Is that....JESUS??

Hey everybody! It has been a while since I have blogged so I thought I would blog (probably significantly) tonight. Hope you can keep up-life is full of drama and since there is no chocolate in my house I thought maybe writing would make me feel better. Lets start off with the topic at hand which is my Russian masseuse. To start off, I was in a car accident in August that has left my spine and neck out of whack. So I started going to a chiropractor recently who referred me to a masseuse last week.

Her name is Tatiana, and she has only been in America 18 years so she speaks with a very thick Russian accent. She is a beautiful, vibrant 50 something year old who believes everybody should "walk like a goddess." "Meagan, do not slump. You are a GODDESS. Walk like you are in the presence of your God!" (if you could hear her thick Russian accent barking that at me everytime she sees me you would die laughing at that sentence.)

The first time I went to her which was last week, my body "spoke" to her. Apparently the big toe on my left foot told her that I am going to need a man who works hard for me (damn straight) and that I let people in who hurt me (which in all actuality is completely true.) She went on to give me her life advice which is that no one can hurt me with God as my protector. Massage and wisdom. Im thinkin, dinner and a show no problem. My left foot also "told" her that I liked to build forts as as child. Pretty sure everybody does but hey she was right so who am I to argue? Then she went on to my right foot. The big toe on my right foot told her that I have an irregular mentstrual cycle and that I am carrying alot of secrets. Hmm....

Anyway, my first experience with her was odd to say the least. So of course, I was skeptical of going back. However, the massaging part of it was so good that I thought to myself SURELY she will shut up the next time. What else could my toes possibly tell her??

I decided to do it. I went back a few days ago. I went back into the little room, undressed like I had done before. Told her my problem spots of the past week. And then *cricket....cricket....cricket* silence. I let out a sigh of relief believing maybe she used the first visit as a get to know you period. Laying on the table face down however, something told me I wasnt out of the clear just yet. You know when people take that little sigh to break the silence before they unload verbally on the stillness? Well, several more times throughout the rest of the massage I would hear that "sighhhh" and next came the "So Meagan (in all her Russianness) tell me about your relationship with your mother, what classes you take next semester, you were in car accident yes?, you enjoy holiday yes?" etc, etc, etc.

When she told me that at the end of the session that day she was leaving the last 5 minutes to try something with me that required my help I instantly got scared. She asked me to turn over on my back, so automatically I awkwardly think she is about to rub my...front? (granted the week before this was my first massage ever in my life anyway!) So Im thinking "is THIS how you lose your massage virginity? You turn over and let an old lady like rub up on your boobies or your face or worse?????!!!!!" However, she went behind me and held my head in her hands and asked me to close my eyes and visualize my neck stretching. So I did. At first I felt nothing, but then I could feel the back of my head heat up as if it was on fire. And then my neck really DID feel like it was stretching....so so so far. I felt like a cartoon with my head all the way up in the clouds. She asked me to then visualize the heat from my head traveling throughout my body. I could feel my whole body heating up. It traveled slowly to my naval aread, sort of hung out there longer then anywhere else. She told me to open up the energy portals and let the heat surround me. I could see (and I say "see" but my eyes were still closed remember this), see orange smokey clouds filling up our massage room. The energy in my body shot from my naval to my left leg, and down to my ankle, then foot. My right leg was lagging, but something happened and it shot through my toes and when it did the whole room was lit as if the room were on fire and i could see it through closed eyes.

She asked me then "do you feel a presence in the room" I said "yes" she said "do you feel what side of the table it is on?" i answered the left, because the smoke was darker in that area and my mind was instantly drawn over to that side. She asked me if I knew if the "entity" was male or female, and I instinctively answered "male". She then said "do you recognize the spirit here with us?" and in my head Im thinking......Jesus? haha then im like HECK YES!! Jesus is in my freaking massage room!! But instead I said "no....?" and she said "Your father". My father died in a car accident at the beginning of this year. And part of me has shut down the spiritual, vulnerable side of myself this year because being close to him like that hurt so much. So when she said that I instantly started sobbing. There were barely any tears but my whole body was shaking in convulsions. She started trying to calm me down, still behind me holding my head mind you, by telling me it was happy he was there, he is watching me, he has never left my side, he wants me to remember that, and all of these other soothing phrases. As she was doing that, my body regained its weight. The smoke cleared from the room as did the spirit, as did the mysticism. My body went back to normal temperature. She let go of my head and I opened my eyes and there she stood. Tatiana, my little Russian freak of a massuese. She was looking at me with new eyes, as if she had never seen anything like me before. She kissed me on the forehead, hugged me, and told me she loved me.

It was the most bizzarre thing I have ever experienced in my whole entire life. She said most people will probably not believe me when I tell them, but that we both know it happened because it happened to both of us. She said that most people do not realize how close the spirit world is to our world and that when all of your energy portals are open like that you are able to see it clearer. She told me she is not supposed to do those things at the office (whoops) because that is the kind of healing she does for people at her home. She is a Healer. My Russian masseuse is a new age Healing machine.

I have researched what she did to me that day, trying to remember the name of it, or pinpoint her method she used on me, but I dont think I have found that exact thing. When I left there I was changed, I smiled bigger, I walked straighter, I was a light, and I saw light everywhere I went. Then, as I got into the world it changed. My light quickly shut off and I was cold. I feel vulnerable and naked now everywhere I go...as if at any moment something could happen. It is a very weird feeling to have felt so protected in that room with her versus leaving and being on my own again, a broken person going through a hard time in a harsh world....and feeling...alone.

She told me I would be forever changed, that I am now a light to everyone and that I should be a light. I have always believed I was put on this earth to change it for the better somehow...and have never known my purpose. I still dont for that matter. I cant decide if what she did to me that day helped me or scared me more. I have gottent he advice to keep going, see what she has to say next. I have gotten the advice to shut it off now, that its dangerous to be that open to other worlds. And I agree-when you are open to the good spirits you are also flirting with opening yourself to the bad ones too. I hope whatever she did that day doesnt end like an Emily Rose situation. If youre reading this....give me some feedback....or pray for me :)

Dream,
Meg

Death Comes In Threes

There is an old saying, that death comes in threes. I don't know if that is true or not because people, animals, plants (any "living" thing counts I guess) are dying everyday, all over the world. Maybe the person who came up with that phrase died right in the middle of the sentence and meant to say "death comes in three...thousands" ??? There's no telling. Anyway, I say that to say this. In my area there have been 3 deaths in a 2 day period. Not old people, walking toward the light after all of their years. But tragic deaths. 2 suicides and 1 car accident. 2 men killed themselves, and 1 mother of 3 was killed in a car accident.

I lost my dad in a car accident 11 months thursday. He died instantly. The accident you ask? Yea...thats the weird part. Caused by a freak DUST storm. A dust storm mind you that probably didnt last an hour. However, that hour was enough to conveniently be the same hour my dad was passing by. Before he died I had 2 dogs die. Now I know what you're thinking, dogs? Really? But yes. One of which I had had for 2 years and she was absolute my very best friend. The other I got a few weeks after the first one died. How did THEY die you ask? Also freak accidents. The first one, a black and white papillion named Lillie, was jumping off of the couch when I wasnt there and slipped a disc in her back. She was paralyzed in her bed by the time I got off of work that day. We had to put her down. The second one, a rescue puppy with no known origin (looked to be a teeny tiny little rat of some sort) named Elphaba (Elphie for short), contracted some illness that made her abdomen disappear in her stomach. Vet said he'd never seen anything like it in his life. Then in January of this year, dad and the freak dust storm.

Maybe death does come in threes, but it is clearly a different 3 for every person. That is alot of death. And it absolutely breaks my heart. The family of one of the men who committed suicide, I have known my whole life. If rumors (and facebook walls) are true, she (his wife) had just found out she was expecting their first child. What a selfish act. The car accident with the mother killed, hurts my heart. No one should have to be at home reading a book, or coloring, or doing homework to get a knock on the door with the bad news that you have lost a loved one. At that moment...the whole entire world suddenly.....stops....

What was the last thing you said to them? The last memory you had of them? Did you tell them you love them? That your world was a better place for having them be a part of it?

Life is TOO short not to tell the people you love exactly what they mean to you. It is TOO short to live mediocre happiness because you feel like youre doing the right thing, when you could be loving someone who is everything to you. Life is too short to take forever to make important decisions. Life is too short to put off til tomorrow what you can do today. Dream as if you'll live forever, but live as if you'll die today.

What do YOU want to do before you die?

Dream,
Meg

Can You Duet.....?

Let me start this post off by saying how completely random it is going to sound (and how in all actuality it is JUST as random in my own head as it is in yours while youre reading it) (like anyone reads it at all but just saying...) Anyway....I have a MILLION things I want to talk about, post about, get feedback about...things like Divine Plan vs. FreeWill (not the whale...oh wow...thats ironic isnt it??????) things like The Power of Positive Energy (firm believer on days where people dont piss me off) and things like The Random Thoughts of Meg (trust me, it gets MUCH more random then what I am about to write about)....So all of these things will be the next upcoming 3 or so blogs. However, I just got off of a mini vacation in Branson (or BransVegas as it SHOULD be called) and do not feel like thinking too deep below the surface because I am fairly worn out. SO, this blog is about a BRILLIANT idea I have for a duet and if ANY of you "followers" or just regular old readers out there in cyberland steal this idea I will go Nature Boy Rick Flare on your asses. ((WHOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOoooooo))

Here's my idea....
I should call up Eddie Vedder *lead singer of Pearl Jam duh* and say to him "Ed, I think it is about time you did a kick butt duet with an up and coming singer." Hopefully by then I will have at least upped and comed (heehee) to doing karaoke bars or SOMETHING.
The song....
The song will be Nothingman, in my opinion it is absolutely their most beautiful song (to which I will copy/paste the lyrics.....now)

Once divided...nothing left to subtract...Some words when spoken...can't be taken back...Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...Future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...Nothingman... Nothingman... Isn't it something? Nothingman...
She once believed...in every story he had to tell...One day she stiffened...took the other side...Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...One just escapes...one's left inside the well...And he who forgets...will be destined to remember...Nothingman... Nothingman... Isn't it something?Nothingman...
Oh, she don't want him...Oh, she won't feed him...after he's flown away...Oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...Burn...burn...Nothingman... Nothingman... Isn't it something?Nothingman...Nothingman...Coulda' been something...Nothingman

It clearly doesnt LOOK as beautiful as it sounds, but if youve never heard the song before you should youtube or download it. The harmony in it is great already but while you are listening to it imagine a guy singing the first vers and chorus (because it's an octave lower than the other verse) then a female doing the second verse (male doing second chorus again though while female harmonizes) and then during the bridge they have simultaneously different singing of the "Oh, Burn Burn Ah Burn...." and on that "Nothingman...." after the bridge is kick ass harmony til the end when the male sings the last line alone.

I know, random and confusing. But driving all day today coming home from Bransvegas I listened to the song a hundred times and got chills everytime I pictured myself singing it (not just with Eddie Vedder although that would be amazing) but anywhere....If anyone is interested then hit me up :)

More random thoughts to come

Dream,
Meg

I Deserve Better....

I deserve better than a love that has limits, than love where I have to beg you to be in it.
Love that revolves around things people do, schedules, appointments, classes, no you.
Love where I look in the mirror each morning, and ask myself why Im still here every night.
Apart we're in love but together we fight.
A love that's so deep that it runs to the core, is the same love thats drowning me because I need more.
Uncommited because of obligation you share, unconditional love even though you're not there
I deserve better then love tossed to the side, pick it up later when you find the time.
Love where I dont need permission to touch, a love where loving me is never too much.
Love where my hand can reach across the bed, and hold onto yours as we sleep through night.
You're the first thing I see with the morning sun's light.
A future, a family, a home to call mine. With every second your waiting is just wasted time.
What are you scared of, why do you run? When you offered me forever were you just having some fun?
I counted on you to be the rock I could lean on, the heart I call home when the going got tough.
But the sum of my pain in my heart everyday, is the emptyness you left me when for you things got rough.
I understand scared, I comprehend fear. But when lives are at stake you have got to be clear.
Where do we go now, what do we do? You've led us this far, well leader, tell me the truth?
Do we have reason to hope or reason to fight? Reason to think we can love one more night?
I deserve better you know, than a love where Im empty. A love I can hold onto for all of my days.
I deserve better than the love you can give me, because all that you're giving me, really, is pain.

Riding in Cars With Boys.....

This movie has nothing to do with the upcoming blog, but clearly they both share the same title.

So tonight, I was refreshed with the oppertunity to spend some time with a good friend of mine. My life has been very hectic, very stressful, and very sad lately and over the past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness. Friends are taking advantage of nights off of school and work to spend time with a significant other. Family is busy getting ready to wind down from school, ballgames, work, and trips. My own school is ending but with that ending comes group projects, extra credit, studying for finals, and getting last minute reassurance of what good greats I can attain this last week. So my life, and my head, are jammed pack full of chaos. Taking a breath is nice, but sometimes even my own breath isnt refreshing. I could be alone meditating and my brain would still be running on empty.

So tonight, seeing this friend, I was refreshed. I was offered new problems to look at (that werent my own-thank God). I was shown a different pattern of living (very different from the monotonous way I have been living this semester). I was able to conversate with someone I havent had a chance to talk to in deep conversation in a while. And the break up in normal, everyday chaos was....nice. Wonderful to be exact. We didnt do anything spectacularly extraordinary but having good company doing something normal is sometimes better then doing something outrageous and being in that moment all by yourself. I have felt by myself in almost everything Ive been doing lately, so sharing a nice meal, a drive, a talk, and a few songs with an old friend is just what the doctor ordered.

We ate delicious hot wings (which I guess I am like addicted to now, thank you Wendys new Bold Boneless Buffalo Wings-hey...dont knock em til you try em). We watched a UFC fight on tv while we were there (which may not sound like loads of fun but again, with the right company it is). We left and took a drive to his new house. The night was so clear and crisp, every star was out shining for two pals to be reaquainted. The air was cold on my nose, but it was so unbelievably refreshing to feel like I could breathe for a change that I didnt mind the cold.

My favorite part was driving around, listening to music. Even through mild conversation, the silence fulfilled me in ways I havent been fulfilled in so very long. That feeling, of not being alone, of not being anxious about what is about to happen, about not having to worry about impatience because there was nothing else outside of the car. We didnt have anywhere to be, anywhere to go, no one to wait on (at that particular moment), no homework that was too important to wait, no one else's schedules we were relying on to dictate our own....we simple just were in the car, in the moment. And that moment was nice.

Little things become special in moments like that. Not knowing which song was about to play from his Ipod, not rushing to get back to anything or anyone, sitting in a seat and feeling comfortable enough to just relax and not worry, finding a safe place to be happy again, to be goofy meg in all her glory. She was back, and it was nice to see her again. Its been a long time.

Maybe with Christmas time things will get easier. Maybe the spirit of others and the spirit of the holiday season in general will lift my heart back up. I have already been graced with a friend (who is usually a complete Scrooge) confess to me that he is in the Christmas spirit, that it has taken over his body, and has asked for help in decorating his Christmas tree (wow). If that isnt something to rest your hat on, I dont know what it.

To the two guys who lifted me up tonight, I thank you.

Dream,

Meg

Give Me Somethin' to Believe In....

I was in my Philiosophy class this afternoon and as usual with this particular class I was daydreaming, except this time I was dreaming about what we were actually talking about in class. We have been in a 2 week long discussion about Darwin's Evolution Theory and Natural selection. Today, we furthered our critical thinking by adding into our discussion some theories about Creationism. According to one particular theory, every living thing on this earth was designed by a divine creator. They were all put here at the same time. The earth is 6,000 years old (up to 20,000 but not more for certain). And no new species were created, however some species could have died off since the beginning of time. This supports microevolution. Another statement, or way to explain this particular notion is that some huge natural disaster (floood) caused all of the unexplainable things that come with believing in this theory. For example, continents drifting, grand canyon, rock sediment and fossils dating farther then the existence of the earth. All of which have some explantion.

In having studied Darwinian Evolutionary Theory, Natural Selection, I noticed (obviously) that there are many contradictions to what even I myself have believed in these past 22 years of living, and now having briefly touched upon Creationism (being taught from an educational perspective and not from a Sunday School Bible class teacher) I am challanged with things I was always expected to believe, and what I in turn actually believe for myself.

Some humans do not have the capacity in their brain to fathom a God, a Divine Creator. Some humans find it very hard to argue scientific facts. Some people trust not in their own understanding but what they have faith in....faith, hope, seeing the un-seeable, believing in the unbelievable. That was what I was daydreaming about in class today. Faith.

In numerous ways this year, my religious upbringing and unfaltering faith have been tested. I have been challenged through school, challenged through society, and challenged through personal experiences. I am a firm believer in God, I am saved through the blood of Jesus Christ, and at one point was a very active member in my youth group and in my college ministry. Listening to the lecture in class today did not change my beliefs, yet in some way, challenged my beliefs enough so that I may become stronger in my faith. Faith is a funny thing. With those people who believe in creationism down to the nitty gritty, ignoring scientific evidence to prove some of their beliefs to be wrong or outdated, those people have outstanding faith in something. They have faith enough to believe that just because society may disagree, just because some facts prove otherwise, or just because they cant see something, doesnt mean there isnt something to believe in.

I think the problem with mankind today is that not enough people have something to believe in. I dont necessarily even mean God, Allah, Yaweh, Jehovah, or whatever you call the Divine Creator. I feel that having something to have faith in at all is beneficial. Its Christmas time now so think about children who believe in Santa Clause. Having a reason to be "nice" all year as opposed to "naughty" gives children incentive to act morally, kindly, and obey their authorities. It also gives them hope that if they do what is right in the end they will be rewarded for it. In retrospect, is the hope and faith children have for a jolly fat man in a red suit much different from the faith we seek in a God? We hope that behaving morally, kindly, and obeying rules will in the end reward us with eternity in Heaven with our Father. We in turn seek to live better lives which results in beneficial and more productive lifestyles. It seems simple enough...it is better to have something to believe in then something to not believe in.

So what is my point in all of this spiritual ranting? Sitting in class today I was challenged with scientific facts, unexplained phenomena, and several other things that challenged my faith in God. And I think that is ok. I feel it is ok with God if our faith is challenged, because the problem with religion and faith and church and all of the politics of God these days is that at a young age children are being forcefed. The beliefs of other people are shoved down your throat at such a young age that sometimes it is refreshing to be challenged with something that doesnt fit the mold of what you were taught because then, and only then, are you able to figure out the answers for yourself.

I look forward to learning more about Creationism and the theories and theorists behind it. I also look forward to doing more outside research on theories that challenge creationism. I am thrilled with the oppertunity to figure out what I believe, and why I believe it. That way if I am ever in a spirtual debate with someone I do not have to rely on knowledge I have been forcefed my entire life. I can rely on what I truly believe in.

And at the moment, what I TRULY believe in is that maybe it doesnt matter.(And following that statement I use the word "maybe" not necessarily because that is how I feel, or what I believe, but because I myself do not know all of the answers either and I am trying to touch on some of the things many people may or may not believe in) Maybe a bunch of men wrote the Bible so the world would stop wreaking havoc on one another. Maybe Jesus was just a nice Jewish kid who came into the world at a time where society needed something to believe in. Maybe a piece of antimatter or random blobs of energy is what created everything on earth. There is no way to know for sure, so maybe it doesnt matter. Maybe what matters is believing in something. Believing that there has GOT to be better out there, there has GOT to be hope of a better life, there has GOT to be good in everyone.

Faith. Seeing the unseen. Believing in the unbelievable.

Dream,
Meg

Going....Going....

Gone

Christmas is Coming and We are Getting Fat

There is no topic for this blog except, My Life.

Today was such a relaxing day. I got to eat lunch with my best friend, and have amazing conversation. We talked for hours about the future, our dreams, our goals, and it was nice to be able to say them out loud to someone who will understand them. Saying them outloud is enough to get that weight off of your chest, the weight that comes with trying to make it all happen. Then I drove around town wondering what to do, I just knew it was going to be one of those dull days where the whole day seems to last forever and you have absolutely nothing to do, nowhere to go, and nothing to look forward to. So I found a movie I wanted to see, had an hour to kill, and went to Books A Million to do some Christmas shopping (yes I know, it's a bit early, but my aunt and cousin got our tree up this morning and it was nakey on bottom). They were having an amazing sale, 1dollar books, 5dollar games, and some things were 10-30% off. I wiped out one side of my family in that one hour visit. My favorite thing in the world to do (other then shopping for myself) is picking our the perfect presents for people. It gives me a high that I cant even begin to explain. It feels like the whole world falls into place, I dont have a care in the world, and my insides are at complete 100% peace....(hey....Ill take it). I decided against the movie after all the shopping so headed home. My aunt, uncle, and cousin had been decorating for Christmas all morning while I was gone (so coming home with Christmas presents, to a festive house sent my holiday spirits soaring). I grabbed up my cousin and took off to walmart to get bags, wrapping paper, Christmas butter cookies, the works!! (yes, we were there for gift wrapping items...yes, the buttercookies jumped into our cart without our knowledge and totally ended up coming home with us...whoops). By the time we got home from Wal-Mart, it was dark, and our Christmas lights were shining from a mile away. It was beautiful, and instantly put us both in the mood for Christmas to get here. My aunt and uncle had some people over so we cooked tons of good food, drank some wine, and watched Christmas movies. At the end of the night I layed in bed with my cousin and made out our lists of presents to buy everyone. We are chompin at the bit for this weekends extravaganza to make its way into our schedules (and wallets). For it's official....Christmas Time is Here.

Dream,

Meg

Its Early, Its Mean, Its VICIOUS...its...BLACK FRIDAY!!

As you are well aware, Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means good food, time with family, rounds of "thankyous" and....Black Friday! Yes ladies, the most gloriously dreaded day of shopping out of all 365 days in the year yet we all still partake in the viciousness and bitchery that is the Bargain Shopper. Since I am a professional shopper I feel it is my duty to share with all of you in cyberland how to get the most bang for your buck, and the most joy to your heart during this black day of all days.

1st The Early Bird Blues-It is true that at alot of stores (especially larger department stores) there is an "early bird special" ...however, alot of stores offer the same exact sale again, or often times offer the sale the weekend before black friday as well. My tip would be to go the weekend or couple of weekends before black friday and ask the stores you know you will be shopping at what kind of sales they will be offering on black friday, then use that to compare to their current sale or sales of other stores on black friday.

2nd The Brainfart Gift-If you are dead set on shopping during black friday but had no time to make a list of presents, there are some essentials that are very universal and also usually always on sale during black friday. Bath and Body works always has an amazing sell on their signature lotion and their antibacterial stuff. Lotion makes for a great stocking stuffer or even last minute gift for someone who bought you something and whoops, didnt get them anything. BOOM!!!! Warm Vanilla Sugar body lotion. Merry Christmas. Other great universal gifts include calenders, gift cards, and Hallmark knick-knacks.

3rd So much stuff, so little time!!!-Again, these sales seem great because they are new, but in all actuality most of black fridays morning sales not only last all day but all weekend as well. And during the holiday season retail stores are not about to let one day go by without having some kind of something on sale. So be patient. If you spend 9 hours at the mall on Black Friday and only got half of your list done, dont worry. There is still time, and still great sales to be had.

4th Know Who Youre Buying For-Crowds are so much easier to fight if you are on a mission. So on Black Friday, do not dilly dally around every store until a brilliant gift idea hits you, know what you need to get and get in and get out. This not only makes shopping easier and more enjoyable for you but also for the 8billion women who are surrounding you also trying to get to the size 6 jean rack at Sears. No time to sit and ponder lady, you will probably get beat down!

5th Only the Must Haves-All sales will be posted in the paper or catalog or magazine, so dont go to the mall on Black Friday to get your childrens picture made with Santa Clause. Dont go into the Buckle when everything you already know you need is in Hollister. Make a checklist of item and store (if you know the information) and once your Must Haves are gotten you will have more of your day left over for creativity and gift-brainstorming (preferrably in the food court and not in front of that mean old lady at Sears waiting to get to the jean rack)

6 Boys will be Boys-Most men wait until the very last second to do gifts. Too bad usually by then what you want is already out of stock. A clever way to get around this is to a.take your guy shopping and be sure to point out everything that you want to him "Oh honey look at that necklace isnt it beautiful?" "Oh babe you see that red sweater? I have been wanting one for weeks I cant believe it is on sale for only today!" If he doesnt get the hintsssss (or would drop dead before going shopping with you) then use your black friday shopping time to gather a small, simple list of what you want and where you want it. Give him the list and tell him there is no excuses this year :) then smile and kiss him atop the nose for being such a wonderful boyfriend. Lastly, something that never runs out of stock is giftcards. If you see several things in Journeys you would love, just tell him to get you a gift card for there. If you see things in every store you want then tell him to get you a mall giftcard.

Remember, holiday sales do not just last during Black Friday-so dont freak out. Also, just because a store is having a sale doesnt mean you have to get all of you stuff there (or any of your stuff if you genuinely dont need it). And making a list (and checking it twice) is a sure fire way to get the most bang out of your buck, and put the most joy into your heart this Black Friday. Join me next time for some serious holiday styling tips.
Happy Shopping,
Meg

Anxiety is for the birds...and apparently me

First your heart starts speeding up as if your jogging, even though youre standing still. Your hands and forehead start sweating as if you just stepped into the bathroom after somone has taken a long hot shower. Your heart gets faster, and faster until your mind can no longer keep up with its' beat. Your words start trembling like you are nervous, only, to your own knowledge you are perfectly fine. Your legs are shaking as if at any minute they will betray your steady stance. Breathing becomes difficult as you try and grab onto every breath just a little bit longer. The oxygen shortage to your brain causes you get dizzy, and just as everything starts going black you realize you are having a panic attack.

Panic attacks are brought on by stress and anxiety. If you have never had one before, then consider yourself lucky. I started getting them my junior year in high school. They have been few and far between until this past year. Things have been so hectic and chaotic lately that I find myself having them all too often. After one, it is almost hard to regain your composure. You cant go back to just drawing, writing, painting, singing...anything you were doing before the attack is lost. Your mind shuts down as if searching for a quiet place to run to, just to get away from all the silent noise. In some cases, my own included, being hugged is a faster way to rid an attack rather then just waiting it out. However, panic attacks do not always pop up when you conveniently are around people. There have been several times that I have had them in public, like bookstores, Wal-Mart, the mall, school. And fewer times where I have had them with people nearby.

What causes anxiety is different for every person. And more often then not, to a normal person the reasoning seems a little absurd. Ive known people who have bad anxiety for the most irrational of reasons: people not washing their hands, having clutter on their desk, people excessively texting them, quirks that other people have...things like that. Personally, my anxiety is caused by high emotion to situations, and impatience.

High emotion: I am for the most part, a very happy person. My nature is to be spirited if attainable. However, I am also probably somewhat bipolar in that I have really high highs, and really low lows. I don't have alot of the in between moments. I get anxiety from high amounts of emotion, whether it be highs OR lows. If I am excited about something, sad/mad about something, or stressed to the max about school, work, family, or love then I am at high risk for panic attacks because of the anxiety those situations bring.

Impatience: I HATE waiting. Waiting is my absolute number one anxiety-causer (for lack of a better, or even real, word). If I am waiting for a date to show up at my door, if I am waiting for a concert that is 2 weeks away, if I am waiting for a teacher to hand back tests that were taken days before, if I am on the other line listening to the phone ring 4 times WAITING for the other person to finally pickup, if I am physically parked somewhere waiting on someone to show up, if I am waiting on a decision to be made that is going to affect me in some way, if I am waiting for a response to a text message...all of these things absolutely send me over the edge. The first paragraph that I wrote up there, well times that by 10 and when I have to WAIT on one of these things that is exactly how I am feeling. It is the absolute worst feeling in the entire world. And I am open for suggestions if ANY one knows how to stop it.

Sometimes it feels like it is controlling my life, like I am in a dark hole waiting for someone to pull me out. Actually, it feels more like I am drowning, and am waiting to come above water so I can take a giant breath of fresh air and just RELAX. I don't feel I choose to be this way,if I honestly felt I had the choice to not have anxiety I would do whatever it takes. However, I feel like my body is programmed to run this way physically without an ounce of knowledge from my brain. Literally, sometimes I am walking along during a beautiful day, humming a great song and BOOM panic attack. So see, for those of you who think it is a choice or a reaction, I think you are wrong. Why would anyone CHOOSE to feel this way everyday?

Life After 2012

So I just got back from watching the movie 2012 (and if you havent seen it then continue reading no further). This movie blew my mind...and now, 2 hours after its over, at 2am, I am STILL thinking about it. But I am not thinking about the actual movie persay, I am more thinking about what life would be like after the world ends.

In the movie they build these indestructable ark/submarine deals to protect people from the end of the world, which it inevitably does. On the ship they brought precious artifacts and one of a kind works of art (i.e. Mona Lisa), they brought 2 by 2 of animals (you know how that one goes), and then there were tons of people-people of all ages, all origins, all walks of life. Some of the worlds richest billionaires were on the ark, as well as royalty (i.e. the Queen of England). There were nobodys on there like the chinese workers who helped construct the arks. Some of the worlds smartes scientists and the worlds greatest leaders were aboard the ship. Apparently, at the end of the movie the Cape of Good Hope at the tip of Africa was not under water, and thats where the captain was sailing the ark.

The end....Um...ok? So where does that leave my imagination? Running wild (as usual). So picture me this:

It is clearly a whole new world, no business, no homes, no society, nothing. Except these people have something the first pioneers of the world didnt...wisdom. They know the ins and outs of technology, as well as society, economy, government, EVERYTHING! They get a second chance to do it right this time. I would like to see the world leaders come together and decide mutually how a government should be set up. No corruption, no secrets, nothing to be scared of, simply a set of people governing rules for a new world. I would like to see the Queen of England still have power as honorary chair of this new cabinet of leadership. They would all pull together the best parts of their working government to create an unstoppable system.

The new people of this society would be wiped clean of the past, for they literally did survive the ending of the world. They are whats left, and it would be nice for them to see collectively that they should make the most of this second chance. They could come together and as a unit create a new society. Where those who are good at mechanics do mechanics, those who are teachers open a school, those who are doctors open hospitals, those who are artists create forums to do art. They can do anything and be anything they want to be because everyone is alike in that they are starting from the ground up. There are no institutions to follow, no set religions, no rules on how to behave in a classroom, no way to fail because there is no such thing as "wrong"...everyone has the chance to do right.

I would like to see everyone get the chance to build their dream home, and it might not be much at first but it would be theirs and it would be free, everything would be because there would be no money (assuming it was all destroyed). So no one is better then another because of money because there IS no money. Those who brought diamonds or jewels on the ark wont even be able to trade them in because there is nothing to get out of them. Instead, the will donate them to the new government to set up a money system or currency for this new society. Everyone will bring their own culture and heritage into this new mixing pot of people. If a chinese boy wants to learn Arabic he can because his new best friend will teach him. If a German doctor wants to learn Russian she can because her new scrub nurse is from Russia. The sky is the limit...

Things that failed the first time have the chance of succeeding this time. Inventions that can be improved get the chance to be. History gets to be re-written and not only that, but gets to start with day 1 of month 1 of year 0001. It isnt often people get to see history in the making but this group of people gets to be the ones making the history theyve only read about in past history books.

For the animals, new breeding, new population, new species of all kinds is possible because they will be set free into this new land and will never be held captive again. They survive with us side by side and are no longer here to amuse and entertain humans but here to remind us of the beauty that once was and can be again.

I think life after the end of the world can be a beautiful, wonderful place.

So this is Christmas...

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun....

I am getting ready to go to my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary party right now (party meaning reception of course, clearly my 80 year old grandparents don't throw keggers...anymore) and while Ive been putting on my makeup I have been listening to Christmas music. Isnt it amazing how Christmas music, this time of year, and just the spirit of the holidays takes over your body and soul in different ways, and at random times? All I have been thinking about all morning is helping people more, so Ive been researching ways and places to volunteer here in my town. I have been thinking about being in love, and how love can absolutely alter your routine in life, your beliefs, and often times your sanity. I have been thinking about my family, how I miss my dad so much, I dont have a mom, but how appreciative I am of the family I DO have. My bones are telling me to run out and buy Christmas presents for everyone in my life who means something to me or has helped me out during this rough year of my life (and a TON of people have helped....I would definitely be broke). So if I can't lavish all of the well deserving people in my life with the greatest of presents, what can I do?
Lightbulb....
I can help the people who ARENT being helped like I have been (Pay it Forward and all that.) I have had complete strangers take me into their homes to live when I had no where else to go. I have had the most amazing friends offer me food and shelter when I was down on my luck. I have had family who refused to give up on my sister and I and always be there when weve needed a shoulder. I have people inspiring me to do something with my talents, pushing me to be a better person, and motivating me to exemplify love through all of my actions. To all of these people I am so blessed to know you or to have ever known you.
It's hard to find love in the world today, especially a love (like my grandparents) that lasts for 60 years or more. The only other love like this is the love of Christ I imagine. He loved me when I was an idea, loved me before I was conceived, and I imagine that long after I am gone he will continue to love me then too. Pretty great huh? No one should be lonely on Christmas (or any holiday) when you know that someone out there is loving you, and when it feels like nobody is...then youre wrong.

Jesus, The Beatles, and Me...

I think Jesus was a hippie. He wore awesome rope sandals, had long hair, and turned water into wine (not money, food, or the cure for diseases that didnt exist yet). If he had an ipod I bet Jesus would listen to ballin music like Citizen Cope, OAR, Corey Smith, and Ray Lamontagne.He would go to music festivals, hold a lighter above his head during Freebird, and dance all night long. More than likely, the worlds first hippie could have very well been Jesus Christ...and that is alright by me. "And the greatest of these is love..." right? Which goes amazingly hand in hand with another favorite quote of mine "All you need is love." Food for thought...

I woke up this morning with a familiar Beatles song in my head...

"Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right..."

I have come to the conclusion that if you keep a built-in Ipod of happy music inside of your head at all times, that it is almost impossible to be in a bad mood. I had the most amazing morning this morning, eating breakfast with a dear friend, seeing the sunshine bright and early, and realizing that this feeling of change, something new, or something big on the horizon of my life, isn't fading fast like it usually does. With a new mindset of not waiting for an opportunity to enter my life, but realizing that life IS my opportunity and to seize that with every fiber of my being, I feel instantly more complete. I also feel completely out of control but maybe the giving up of control is what in all actuality is what hands us the reigns.

I used the beautiful day to play guitar some, work on some songs I have been writing, visit with family and friends, make a christmas wreath (for the first time ever), and help a friend in need. Granted, it was not a big day. It was not a busy day. But it was a productive day...it was the kind of day where you wake up and instantly know it will be a good day. Yes, I feel a change on the horizon of my life. Something new. Something big. But is it up to me to make it happen?
Meg

Fresh New Start

I have always been interested in this blogging world that has caught on so fast. I am a bit technology retarted and decided to leave myself out of a world of passwords, links, and reminding myself daily to let total strangers know whats going on in my life. However, my passion is writing and in order to make a living doing that I thought hey, I should probably start oh I don't know...writing? So that is what I am doing. I don't know if I have the motivation or the self-discipline to do it everyday but I am definitely going to try.

I am not going to spill my guts about my life in this first blog, because as I write I am sure whoever is reading this in Cyberland will get to know me little by little. For this first section I would just like to say that as a junior majoring in Communications Studies (and having no idea what I want to do with my life after college) I have come to some conclusions in the past, oh...30 minutes or so.

1. I want to do something I love. What I love is writing, photography, singing, dancing, acting, teaching children, painting, yoga, nature, rain, art...every bone in my body is screaming "YOU MUST DO THESE THINGS TO BE HAPPY" ...so that is the plan:to be happy (well, isn't it everyone's plan to be happy?)
2. I want to contribute to society or impact at least one persons life in some way. I am young, but have felt from a very young age that I was invented in order to change the world...I dont know how, I dont know in what way or even when but if I surround myself with things that have a positive impact on myself and my own life then maybe I could be a light for others as well.
3. I want to START my life. I feel like it is dangling before me and I am wasting everyday, every breath I am not living up to my fullest potential. I need (and want) to start volunteering more, get involved more in the community, and create time to incorporate my passions now into my daily life so that I have a head start when I graduate and won't be standing there with a diploma in my hand scratching my head saying "Derr.....now what??"

Hope you enjoyed the first one. They will all be random like this but for the most part very insightful (depending on my mood).

Dream,
Meg