Is that....JESUS??

Hey everybody! It has been a while since I have blogged so I thought I would blog (probably significantly) tonight. Hope you can keep up-life is full of drama and since there is no chocolate in my house I thought maybe writing would make me feel better. Lets start off with the topic at hand which is my Russian masseuse. To start off, I was in a car accident in August that has left my spine and neck out of whack. So I started going to a chiropractor recently who referred me to a masseuse last week.

Her name is Tatiana, and she has only been in America 18 years so she speaks with a very thick Russian accent. She is a beautiful, vibrant 50 something year old who believes everybody should "walk like a goddess." "Meagan, do not slump. You are a GODDESS. Walk like you are in the presence of your God!" (if you could hear her thick Russian accent barking that at me everytime she sees me you would die laughing at that sentence.)

The first time I went to her which was last week, my body "spoke" to her. Apparently the big toe on my left foot told her that I am going to need a man who works hard for me (damn straight) and that I let people in who hurt me (which in all actuality is completely true.) She went on to give me her life advice which is that no one can hurt me with God as my protector. Massage and wisdom. Im thinkin, dinner and a show no problem. My left foot also "told" her that I liked to build forts as as child. Pretty sure everybody does but hey she was right so who am I to argue? Then she went on to my right foot. The big toe on my right foot told her that I have an irregular mentstrual cycle and that I am carrying alot of secrets. Hmm....

Anyway, my first experience with her was odd to say the least. So of course, I was skeptical of going back. However, the massaging part of it was so good that I thought to myself SURELY she will shut up the next time. What else could my toes possibly tell her??

I decided to do it. I went back a few days ago. I went back into the little room, undressed like I had done before. Told her my problem spots of the past week. And then *cricket....cricket....cricket* silence. I let out a sigh of relief believing maybe she used the first visit as a get to know you period. Laying on the table face down however, something told me I wasnt out of the clear just yet. You know when people take that little sigh to break the silence before they unload verbally on the stillness? Well, several more times throughout the rest of the massage I would hear that "sighhhh" and next came the "So Meagan (in all her Russianness) tell me about your relationship with your mother, what classes you take next semester, you were in car accident yes?, you enjoy holiday yes?" etc, etc, etc.

When she told me that at the end of the session that day she was leaving the last 5 minutes to try something with me that required my help I instantly got scared. She asked me to turn over on my back, so automatically I awkwardly think she is about to rub my...front? (granted the week before this was my first massage ever in my life anyway!) So Im thinking "is THIS how you lose your massage virginity? You turn over and let an old lady like rub up on your boobies or your face or worse?????!!!!!" However, she went behind me and held my head in her hands and asked me to close my eyes and visualize my neck stretching. So I did. At first I felt nothing, but then I could feel the back of my head heat up as if it was on fire. And then my neck really DID feel like it was stretching....so so so far. I felt like a cartoon with my head all the way up in the clouds. She asked me to then visualize the heat from my head traveling throughout my body. I could feel my whole body heating up. It traveled slowly to my naval aread, sort of hung out there longer then anywhere else. She told me to open up the energy portals and let the heat surround me. I could see (and I say "see" but my eyes were still closed remember this), see orange smokey clouds filling up our massage room. The energy in my body shot from my naval to my left leg, and down to my ankle, then foot. My right leg was lagging, but something happened and it shot through my toes and when it did the whole room was lit as if the room were on fire and i could see it through closed eyes.

She asked me then "do you feel a presence in the room" I said "yes" she said "do you feel what side of the table it is on?" i answered the left, because the smoke was darker in that area and my mind was instantly drawn over to that side. She asked me if I knew if the "entity" was male or female, and I instinctively answered "male". She then said "do you recognize the spirit here with us?" and in my head Im thinking......Jesus? haha then im like HECK YES!! Jesus is in my freaking massage room!! But instead I said "no....?" and she said "Your father". My father died in a car accident at the beginning of this year. And part of me has shut down the spiritual, vulnerable side of myself this year because being close to him like that hurt so much. So when she said that I instantly started sobbing. There were barely any tears but my whole body was shaking in convulsions. She started trying to calm me down, still behind me holding my head mind you, by telling me it was happy he was there, he is watching me, he has never left my side, he wants me to remember that, and all of these other soothing phrases. As she was doing that, my body regained its weight. The smoke cleared from the room as did the spirit, as did the mysticism. My body went back to normal temperature. She let go of my head and I opened my eyes and there she stood. Tatiana, my little Russian freak of a massuese. She was looking at me with new eyes, as if she had never seen anything like me before. She kissed me on the forehead, hugged me, and told me she loved me.

It was the most bizzarre thing I have ever experienced in my whole entire life. She said most people will probably not believe me when I tell them, but that we both know it happened because it happened to both of us. She said that most people do not realize how close the spirit world is to our world and that when all of your energy portals are open like that you are able to see it clearer. She told me she is not supposed to do those things at the office (whoops) because that is the kind of healing she does for people at her home. She is a Healer. My Russian masseuse is a new age Healing machine.

I have researched what she did to me that day, trying to remember the name of it, or pinpoint her method she used on me, but I dont think I have found that exact thing. When I left there I was changed, I smiled bigger, I walked straighter, I was a light, and I saw light everywhere I went. Then, as I got into the world it changed. My light quickly shut off and I was cold. I feel vulnerable and naked now everywhere I go...as if at any moment something could happen. It is a very weird feeling to have felt so protected in that room with her versus leaving and being on my own again, a broken person going through a hard time in a harsh world....and feeling...alone.

She told me I would be forever changed, that I am now a light to everyone and that I should be a light. I have always believed I was put on this earth to change it for the better somehow...and have never known my purpose. I still dont for that matter. I cant decide if what she did to me that day helped me or scared me more. I have gottent he advice to keep going, see what she has to say next. I have gotten the advice to shut it off now, that its dangerous to be that open to other worlds. And I agree-when you are open to the good spirits you are also flirting with opening yourself to the bad ones too. I hope whatever she did that day doesnt end like an Emily Rose situation. If youre reading this....give me some feedback....or pray for me :)

Dream,
Meg

Death Comes In Threes

There is an old saying, that death comes in threes. I don't know if that is true or not because people, animals, plants (any "living" thing counts I guess) are dying everyday, all over the world. Maybe the person who came up with that phrase died right in the middle of the sentence and meant to say "death comes in three...thousands" ??? There's no telling. Anyway, I say that to say this. In my area there have been 3 deaths in a 2 day period. Not old people, walking toward the light after all of their years. But tragic deaths. 2 suicides and 1 car accident. 2 men killed themselves, and 1 mother of 3 was killed in a car accident.

I lost my dad in a car accident 11 months thursday. He died instantly. The accident you ask? Yea...thats the weird part. Caused by a freak DUST storm. A dust storm mind you that probably didnt last an hour. However, that hour was enough to conveniently be the same hour my dad was passing by. Before he died I had 2 dogs die. Now I know what you're thinking, dogs? Really? But yes. One of which I had had for 2 years and she was absolute my very best friend. The other I got a few weeks after the first one died. How did THEY die you ask? Also freak accidents. The first one, a black and white papillion named Lillie, was jumping off of the couch when I wasnt there and slipped a disc in her back. She was paralyzed in her bed by the time I got off of work that day. We had to put her down. The second one, a rescue puppy with no known origin (looked to be a teeny tiny little rat of some sort) named Elphaba (Elphie for short), contracted some illness that made her abdomen disappear in her stomach. Vet said he'd never seen anything like it in his life. Then in January of this year, dad and the freak dust storm.

Maybe death does come in threes, but it is clearly a different 3 for every person. That is alot of death. And it absolutely breaks my heart. The family of one of the men who committed suicide, I have known my whole life. If rumors (and facebook walls) are true, she (his wife) had just found out she was expecting their first child. What a selfish act. The car accident with the mother killed, hurts my heart. No one should have to be at home reading a book, or coloring, or doing homework to get a knock on the door with the bad news that you have lost a loved one. At that moment...the whole entire world suddenly.....stops....

What was the last thing you said to them? The last memory you had of them? Did you tell them you love them? That your world was a better place for having them be a part of it?

Life is TOO short not to tell the people you love exactly what they mean to you. It is TOO short to live mediocre happiness because you feel like youre doing the right thing, when you could be loving someone who is everything to you. Life is too short to take forever to make important decisions. Life is too short to put off til tomorrow what you can do today. Dream as if you'll live forever, but live as if you'll die today.

What do YOU want to do before you die?

Dream,
Meg

Can You Duet.....?

Let me start this post off by saying how completely random it is going to sound (and how in all actuality it is JUST as random in my own head as it is in yours while youre reading it) (like anyone reads it at all but just saying...) Anyway....I have a MILLION things I want to talk about, post about, get feedback about...things like Divine Plan vs. FreeWill (not the whale...oh wow...thats ironic isnt it??????) things like The Power of Positive Energy (firm believer on days where people dont piss me off) and things like The Random Thoughts of Meg (trust me, it gets MUCH more random then what I am about to write about)....So all of these things will be the next upcoming 3 or so blogs. However, I just got off of a mini vacation in Branson (or BransVegas as it SHOULD be called) and do not feel like thinking too deep below the surface because I am fairly worn out. SO, this blog is about a BRILLIANT idea I have for a duet and if ANY of you "followers" or just regular old readers out there in cyberland steal this idea I will go Nature Boy Rick Flare on your asses. ((WHOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOoooooo))

Here's my idea....
I should call up Eddie Vedder *lead singer of Pearl Jam duh* and say to him "Ed, I think it is about time you did a kick butt duet with an up and coming singer." Hopefully by then I will have at least upped and comed (heehee) to doing karaoke bars or SOMETHING.
The song....
The song will be Nothingman, in my opinion it is absolutely their most beautiful song (to which I will copy/paste the lyrics.....now)

Once divided...nothing left to subtract...Some words when spoken...can't be taken back...Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...Future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...Nothingman... Nothingman... Isn't it something? Nothingman...
She once believed...in every story he had to tell...One day she stiffened...took the other side...Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...One just escapes...one's left inside the well...And he who forgets...will be destined to remember...Nothingman... Nothingman... Isn't it something?Nothingman...
Oh, she don't want him...Oh, she won't feed him...after he's flown away...Oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...Burn...burn...Nothingman... Nothingman... Isn't it something?Nothingman...Nothingman...Coulda' been something...Nothingman

It clearly doesnt LOOK as beautiful as it sounds, but if youve never heard the song before you should youtube or download it. The harmony in it is great already but while you are listening to it imagine a guy singing the first vers and chorus (because it's an octave lower than the other verse) then a female doing the second verse (male doing second chorus again though while female harmonizes) and then during the bridge they have simultaneously different singing of the "Oh, Burn Burn Ah Burn...." and on that "Nothingman...." after the bridge is kick ass harmony til the end when the male sings the last line alone.

I know, random and confusing. But driving all day today coming home from Bransvegas I listened to the song a hundred times and got chills everytime I pictured myself singing it (not just with Eddie Vedder although that would be amazing) but anywhere....If anyone is interested then hit me up :)

More random thoughts to come

Dream,
Meg

I Deserve Better....

I deserve better than a love that has limits, than love where I have to beg you to be in it.
Love that revolves around things people do, schedules, appointments, classes, no you.
Love where I look in the mirror each morning, and ask myself why Im still here every night.
Apart we're in love but together we fight.
A love that's so deep that it runs to the core, is the same love thats drowning me because I need more.
Uncommited because of obligation you share, unconditional love even though you're not there
I deserve better then love tossed to the side, pick it up later when you find the time.
Love where I dont need permission to touch, a love where loving me is never too much.
Love where my hand can reach across the bed, and hold onto yours as we sleep through night.
You're the first thing I see with the morning sun's light.
A future, a family, a home to call mine. With every second your waiting is just wasted time.
What are you scared of, why do you run? When you offered me forever were you just having some fun?
I counted on you to be the rock I could lean on, the heart I call home when the going got tough.
But the sum of my pain in my heart everyday, is the emptyness you left me when for you things got rough.
I understand scared, I comprehend fear. But when lives are at stake you have got to be clear.
Where do we go now, what do we do? You've led us this far, well leader, tell me the truth?
Do we have reason to hope or reason to fight? Reason to think we can love one more night?
I deserve better you know, than a love where Im empty. A love I can hold onto for all of my days.
I deserve better than the love you can give me, because all that you're giving me, really, is pain.

Riding in Cars With Boys.....

This movie has nothing to do with the upcoming blog, but clearly they both share the same title.

So tonight, I was refreshed with the oppertunity to spend some time with a good friend of mine. My life has been very hectic, very stressful, and very sad lately and over the past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness. Friends are taking advantage of nights off of school and work to spend time with a significant other. Family is busy getting ready to wind down from school, ballgames, work, and trips. My own school is ending but with that ending comes group projects, extra credit, studying for finals, and getting last minute reassurance of what good greats I can attain this last week. So my life, and my head, are jammed pack full of chaos. Taking a breath is nice, but sometimes even my own breath isnt refreshing. I could be alone meditating and my brain would still be running on empty.

So tonight, seeing this friend, I was refreshed. I was offered new problems to look at (that werent my own-thank God). I was shown a different pattern of living (very different from the monotonous way I have been living this semester). I was able to conversate with someone I havent had a chance to talk to in deep conversation in a while. And the break up in normal, everyday chaos was....nice. Wonderful to be exact. We didnt do anything spectacularly extraordinary but having good company doing something normal is sometimes better then doing something outrageous and being in that moment all by yourself. I have felt by myself in almost everything Ive been doing lately, so sharing a nice meal, a drive, a talk, and a few songs with an old friend is just what the doctor ordered.

We ate delicious hot wings (which I guess I am like addicted to now, thank you Wendys new Bold Boneless Buffalo Wings-hey...dont knock em til you try em). We watched a UFC fight on tv while we were there (which may not sound like loads of fun but again, with the right company it is). We left and took a drive to his new house. The night was so clear and crisp, every star was out shining for two pals to be reaquainted. The air was cold on my nose, but it was so unbelievably refreshing to feel like I could breathe for a change that I didnt mind the cold.

My favorite part was driving around, listening to music. Even through mild conversation, the silence fulfilled me in ways I havent been fulfilled in so very long. That feeling, of not being alone, of not being anxious about what is about to happen, about not having to worry about impatience because there was nothing else outside of the car. We didnt have anywhere to be, anywhere to go, no one to wait on (at that particular moment), no homework that was too important to wait, no one else's schedules we were relying on to dictate our own....we simple just were in the car, in the moment. And that moment was nice.

Little things become special in moments like that. Not knowing which song was about to play from his Ipod, not rushing to get back to anything or anyone, sitting in a seat and feeling comfortable enough to just relax and not worry, finding a safe place to be happy again, to be goofy meg in all her glory. She was back, and it was nice to see her again. Its been a long time.

Maybe with Christmas time things will get easier. Maybe the spirit of others and the spirit of the holiday season in general will lift my heart back up. I have already been graced with a friend (who is usually a complete Scrooge) confess to me that he is in the Christmas spirit, that it has taken over his body, and has asked for help in decorating his Christmas tree (wow). If that isnt something to rest your hat on, I dont know what it.

To the two guys who lifted me up tonight, I thank you.

Dream,

Meg