I am not bipolar....

Let me start this off by saying, I am not bi-polar...so I don't think. If you've been following my journey this past week, you are probably thinking I am a little nutty, and that's ok. All I am really trying to do is be honest with you guys about what is going on in my heart, and sharing what God is doing to refine me right now. Within the past few days, I feel like I have gone through MONTHS of a tough season. God is bringing so much to surface right now, and of course with every step He is doing what He's doing, satan is in the other corner trying to unravel all of the Lord's work.

If you haven't been keeping up, my struggle lately is CONFIDENCE. Particularly in this show I am in, Titanic the Musical, the issue rears its' ugly head but this is just the avenue where God brought the subject to surface...because down in the depths of my heart, in many other situations over the past 6 months, this has been a very relevant problem. Those of you who know of me or know me well, are probably thinking I am REALLY nutty at this point. I thrive on being on stage. I love to perform. I love to use the talents God has given me to bring Glory to HIS name and I LOVE my job, which is teaching kiddos and other performers and artists how to do that too! I am most comfortable on stage in front of hundreds or in a room full of people entertaining. But lately, lately I can't even make sound come out of my mouth in front of other people...because something inside of me is telling me I am not good enough.

After every encouraging chat or meeting I've had this week I have blogged about a changed heart...but really, nothing has changed. It wasn't that I was lying...it was that, I logically believed everything God told me (that I then turned around to tell you). However, I believed it more for YOU than for me, I guess. Someone told me once that....If a 12 year old little girl came up to you after church one Sunday and asked you the same problem/questions you're talking to me about--what would you tell HER to do? (and then whatever that is, YOU go do it!)

The problem for me in that scenario was, what am I really telling/asking you myself? So I had to narrow that down. And I am going to say that if the 12 year old little girl were speaking for me she would say....

"Meagan. lately I feel like I am not good enough. I have felt it for a long time, but I got rid of that feeling by taking myself out of the spotlight, by hiding in the background, by trying to convince myself that it was ok not to be good so that there was no pressure to learn or grow or be a better singer. I feel like a failure when I don't get something right and I leave rehearsal every night crying. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how not to."

Narrowed down, that is a pretty good idea of what I guess has been going on with me. So, now what? What do I tell her? If she were not me, and just another young girl whose life I get the blessing to encounter and hopefully encourage I would tell her this.....

"Honey, do you know why you are beautiful? Because you were made in God's image-and He doesn't make mistakes. He gave you the fingers you have, the color eyes you have, the talents you have, the voice you have, ALL of it....for a reason. And that reason is to glorify Him. Which means, to tell the world how Great and Wonderful your Creator is. When we look in a mirror, or listen to ourselves sing, or see ourselves in pictures (like girls so often do), and we criticize ourselves and what we see or hear....we are telling God that He did something WRONG. I don't know about you, but I do not want to be on the other end of THAT conversation. You have the choice, not only every day but every minute within every single situation you encounter, you have the choice of whose voice you are going to listen to. Are you going to listen to the enemy? (He tells us that we are not good enough, that we've got a long way to go, that we are not as talented as so and so, that the director made a mistake, that we are only getting worse....etc) OR are you going to listen to the voice of the Lord? (Who every second is trying to find ways to tell us how amazing we are, how much he LOVES us-not because of what we do or how we sing but because of WHO WE ARE!)  In the GRANDE scheme of things, hear me say, that it DOES NOT MATTER. If you can't hit a note, WHO CARES? If your voice cracks, WHO CARES? If you mess up, WHO CARES? We were put here to worship our Lord, to spread the Good News of Christ, and to make disciples of all the nations. We are not called to BE PERFECT! If we were perfect, we would have never needed Christ to come and rescue us from the bondage of sin. And that's what this is...it is BONDAGE. You are getting lost in the little things that don't matter, the lies of the enemy, and the things that you can not control, and are forgetting that the Lord's eyes are all that matter. And what you are doing to be a woman of God will always and forever, eternally, far outweigh ANY thing else you do on this planet. So it should take some pressure off. HAVE FUN!! Praise God for the victories AND in times of defeat. Because when you give into defeat, then Satan has you exactly where he wants you!"

WOW---those are wonderful words of encouragement huh?

Now....how do I CONVINCE myself, not 12 year old pretend girl, to actually live this way.

A few years ago I learned the motto...."fake it til ya make it"....but what happens when you get to the end of that road, and you can't fake it any longer. Then what do you do?

Open to any and all advice and encouragement....and especially PRAYER!
In Him,
Meg