Freedom

For those of you who read my last blog,"You Are For Me", this is sort of a part two (and I am assuming there will be many more as God is doing some intense refining in my life).

God uses my voice to send a message. When I let myself get out of the way these blogs turn completely into something from the Lord to be shared with others. Most often, He uses things He is bringing me through as the subject of the message. Sometimes though, I write with a sense of recovery that maybe I have not experienced yet. This is the case for my last blog. It was logically what I was supposed to say, because God wrote it through me. However, there was little belief behind it that it could apply to me I guess? That sounds bad, but that's basically what it was. Doubt. Sure, God can heal you...and you...and even you. He is a Healer....For YOU.....but do we believe that about our own selves? Not all of the time.

I went to a new church this morning. A church completely unlike my own- that would be considered more...charismatic I guess you could say. There were instruments. People clapping, dancing, and shouting to the Lord. Every human in the room had hands lifted high to Jesus and responded appropriately to the work He was doing in their hearts as we worshiped. There was....FREEDOM. Now, I have been to other churches like this before. I have been to contemporary Christian concerts, like that of Chris Tomlin, and have experienced this type of atmosphere before. In my opinion, we serve such an amazing God how could we NOT jump and shout and praise and cry out and laugh and clap and dance in His presence EVERY time we worship!??

However, today...something held me back. I did not put two and two together at first (after my not so fun and defeated sort of day Saturday). I sang the songs, and lifted my hands like I always do. But there was no feeling. There was caution about blowing my voice out before a rehearsal tomorrow. There was fear, that people were looking at me. There was sadness in not feeling connected to the God I was worshiping. Things were just...a little off.

That feeling followed me the rest of the day. I was low energy and very solemn. I was there (in Little Rock) visiting my best friend Emily. She is one of the most phenomenal musicians and singers I know. Talk about anointed. This girl is. We always chat about longing to get together and sing and play and worship. Finally, we got our chance today. But again, this strange feeling popped up. With my very best friend, who loves me so so much, who I have sang in front of a MILLION times--i could not open my mouth. I couldn't sing. Something held me back. I was so upset and frustrated. And that same feeling of defeat crept up.

We had a long chat about it but nothing would clear my mind of this notion that I am not good enough. This fear of being the best I can be, singing the notes well, hitting everything--you know, all of the technical stuff we let get in the way. It was then that I flashed back to the service this morning at her church, where I was reminded oh so painfully that I am not walking in the freedom that a life in Christ has for me. I couldn't LET GO!

This may seem like a small revelation to you but it was huge for me. Because this has been getting in my way for a LONG time now--and upon this new season where I have felt so disconnected from God, I was so desperately needing to understand what was happening on a spiritual level. I left Emily to make the 2.5 hour drive home to Jonesboro, and the minute I closed the door I lost all control. The tears came. I was spiritually flat on my face in front of the Lord, crying out to Him to make whatever was going on in my heart to just stop. While pouring out my heart and soul to Him, it occurred to me that I haven't intimately talked to Him in weeks. I haven't felt close enough to say anything. I had no energy left for Him. I have been living in a cloud of sadness from what I was missing, but had no idea what that something was.

It's freedom. The root of this problem is freedom. Because at the root of not taking hold of my identity and confidently walking in the gifting the Lord has blessed me with, I am allowing Satan to steal my JOY. I prayed against all attacks of Satan, begging God to take over and to show me how to live a free life. In the midst of realizing that I haven't been living that way, God also revealed to me that I don't even know what that looks like. And things in my life have to change, big time. It could be anything from my friends, my church, the way I worship, taking activities out of my life or adding others in. It could be anything.

I am confident that He will reveal this all to me, and guide me every step of the way until I am living life under His will for me. After praying I instantly felt a HUGE burden release from my shoulders. My God was there, waiting for me to crawl into His lap the whole time. He took my worry and is refining my heart. Things are not magically better, I don't want you to believe that. Because believing that they are instantly healed might have you believing that your issues can magically dissolve too...and I don't think God works that way. He is bigger than my problem-he has been the whole time I have been struggling with it. But in His perfect timing He sent me to a city where I came face to face with this fear-this lack of freedom-this lack of confidence....He put prayer warriors in my life and people who speak encouragement into it as well....He allowed for these circumstances to line up the day after I feel I am at the end of my rope with this particular issue and situation....and as I am lying on the floor of the throne room I look up and there He is, waiting with His arms stretched out, asking me to crawl up in His lap. And as I do, He tells me (because now my eyes and ears are open-desperate for His love and guidance) what has been happening to my heart. He also tells me not to worry, because He is in the business of fixing damaged hearts.

When I shared this revelation with a friend of mine tonight she sent me this song to listen to....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCEUvY2bCDA

It seriously inspired me to dance and sing and shout and worship DEEPER, because I am FREE! Isn't that the appropriate response to a God so amazing? So why don't you do it? Because people are looking? Because the other adults in church will laugh or whisper? Because you don't "get into" the music in that way? There are SOOOOO many excuses the enemy is whispering into your ear in order to keep you bound by your fear. That's not living in freedom, church. Don't you want more for your life? I know I do!

Praise God for His perfect timing. For His unconditional love. For His ever present guidance. For FREEDOM! Is there something holding you back??

In Him,
Meg