Humble yourself. Exalt the Lord.

If you have been following my previous two blogs you will see that I have had a rough weekend. God is really bringing some issues to the surface of my heart, in order to heal me of some things as well as preparing me for the future endeavors He will call me to do. This process is never fun. Do you remember learning to ride a bike for the first time? Or multiplication tables? Do you remember your first big test you ever took in school? There are people that invested their life into yours, teaching and preparing you to do certain things, so that they could send you off to do those things on your own. Now, we all know that God will never leave us, but He is our Teacher...Father....Counselor. He is teaching us and preparing us now so that there will be a strong foundation on which to build on for other things He has planned for our lives. I am living in one of those seasons right now.

The issue can be interpreted so many ways too. Sure, I may never be a worship leader or a recording artist, or what have you. And maybe this current issue of learning proper vocal technique will not directly apply to what God has in store for me. But there is always more layers to what is going on then what appears to be going on. Behind this vocal strengthening and training layer is a layer of self-confidence. Behind that layer is identity and self-worth. Behind that is freedom to walk in those truths. Behind even that is the desire to know God's truths. And it really could go on and on. It's like when you finally learn those multiplication tables, and if you're anything like me you say "I will never have to use this in my life!"--and sure, it's not often that I do. But it is helpful in your life to have that groundwork laid! Had I never learned math I wouldn't know how to budget money, I wouldn't know how to travel to new cities, I wouldn't know how to equally cut a pizza so that everybody gets a slice-I mean, these are VERY important things to know.

So God is working on me, multi-levally. (I totally think I just made that word up! heehee). And he is using some amazing warriors of the kingdom to do so. Today I met with my worship minister at church, to gain some insight on this issue of worship vs performance, and asking the question when is the technical stuff supposed to fade away and the joy and freedom come back into play? (I actually had a whole ton more of questions and ideas and such for him but this was the basis of where the other stuff came from.)

It was so helpful talking to him because as a worship minister he is called to lead people to the throne room of the Lord every time we are in His presence as a body of believers. As a child of God I am sure that there are times he wants to just relax and to bask in the glory of the Lord himself. And as a fellow performer in the arts, he has to battle that genuine vs non-genuine question that pops up from time to time. So during my chat with the Lord yesterday, He was very clear I needed some advice from someone who has walked this similar road before.

My worship leader gave me a great analogy about finger painting to start our conversation today. He said it's like you're a kindergarten teacher, and you tell the class, ok it's time to fingerpaint! You direct them to paints and the canvas, then zero in on your own fingerpainting masterpiece. Maybe you close your eyes or you intently study your own work. And when you look up, the kids have fingerpainted, that's for sure---but all over the walls, and their faces, and your desk, and it's a huge mess. Not that the Lord doesn't love a good mess, He is in the business of taking messes and creating something beautiful. But what if that chaos and that mess and that lack of guidance didn't teach the kids anything at all? Or they never could connect with the art project because they didn't know what to do or how to do it, or even what finger painting looked like?

So leading worship is like this. And even though I am no worship leader, I am on a sound enhancing team of people expected to help fellow believers press in to what the Lord is offering during corporate worship. And sometimes that means making sure ducks are in a row first-sound check, blending, evening the tone of your voice, not pulling sharp or flat, making sure the bass section isn't to loud or the sopranos too airy or the tenors too soft, making sure music is in order, words are correct, taglines are put in place, scripture matches up with the song, the song matches the correct mood, there aren't too many clappy songs, there aren't too many draggy songs....and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on. And it's overwhelming. It's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of expectation. And sometimes, it isn't fun.

I half expected to walk into his office today to tell him that I needed to not sing on the team for a while, until I could figure this all out. But I know my heart, and singing is something God has given me for a reason, and I know I would miss being able to do that and being able to do it with the specific people I sing with now. But what I got out of the meeting was a ton of encouragement, that these feelings are so normal and it's a struggle for most performers. That aspect of comparing ourselves to others. Pushing our limits to get a part or to be better than so and so. Wanting to nail something perfect so that other's see us as valuable or talented or good enough.

But God tells us that we are good enough.  I just too often, don't hear Him, because I am so busy judging myself. My minister today put it a very good way, in that when we judge-even ourselves-we are putting ourselves in a place we were never created to be. God is the ultimate Judge-and when we judge, no matter what the context, we are ultimately sitting in His judges seat....and then get to awkwardly move when He comes to confront us on this issue. Uh...sorry Lord...I'll just be...leaving (backs out of room sheepishly). But it's SO easy to judge isn't it? The world has created this atmosphere where we can be judges any time we want to be. Look at shows like American Idol, America's Got Talent, The X Factor, Duets, The Voice, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, Skating with the Stars, and the list seriously could go on forever. These, what seem to be good-natured, harmless television shows tell us that we can be the judge of someone! I watch those shows and never hesitate on saying things like "oh well she was super flat on that ending" "he makes weird faces when he sings" "her tone is not as good as so and so"....these are PEOPLE. Real life human people. Children of God. They have feelings too, and are a product of the SAME Creator as I am. What gives me the right to judge them? I certainly wouldn't want them coming into my shower or car or other random places where I sing and vocally expressing their opinions about it.

After my meeting today with my worship minister I met with the vocal coach for our musical. She loves the Lord, which already was super encouraging because I needed someone who could understand this battle for me in the spiritual realm as well as here in the physical. She gave me some great tips and really encouraged the hope in my learning and enjoyment of my voice. (It never hurts to hear someone tell you that you have a beautiful voice, that's for sure!) And I left there feeling confident. She reminded me, like my worship leader, that it isn't easy. Singing well is not easy work and neither is being refined. But God would not have given me this talent, or be putting me in this season, if He didn't believe in me. And He doesn't believe in me because of ME, which is the amazing part. He knows I can do it because He is doing it through me. This is what I was created to do.

Maybe not singing professionally. Being some big actress on Broadway. Starring in a hit movie. Nothing like that. But He designed me to sing, and to give Him the glory while I do it. He created me to have a passion for the arts because sometime in my life He will reveal to me a much bigger plan for myself then I could have ever dreamt.

I was listening to KLOVE today and the Casting Crowns, "Voice of Truth" song came on. It is the epitome of what I am going through right now. And what I know I will face my whole life. I encourage you to listen to this song, and understand that the voice of Truth tells you that you are worth it, that you were made for such a time as this. If you are hearing different, then you are choosing to listen to the voice of the enemy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y

In Him,
Meg