Desiring God

I make a daily commute from where I live (Paragould) to the town I go to church, work, and visit with family and friends (Jonesboro). It is about a 3o minute drive typically filled with my singing at the top of my lungs until I reach other drivers and become too embarrassed to do so. But today I turned off my pipes and turned on a wonderful sermon from Paul Washer.

In the midst of God using Washer to speak about the complacency of the church, how the Gospel is a scandal, and how in order to teach salvation we must first recognize condemnation-I was struck with the overwhelming and sad revelation that I do not desire God first. Some days I do, and some moments I do, sure, but in my life as a whole....I do not.

In church we sing songs with lyrics like "You alone are my heart's desire and I long to worship You." But do we REALLY, "long to worship" our God? Sometimes with no effort, I wake from a deep slumber with a worship song stuck in my head that apparently gets lodged in my brain overnight while I sleep. But rarely, if never, have I woken up to then fall on my face in joy and ecstasy to worship my amazing Lord. And we certainly don't do/see this in corporate worship. Why? The answer, Washer says, is because we are civilized. And being "civilized" is damning to the church.

So some of you who know me well might be thinking 'aw Meg, you're silly. Of COURSE you desire God!' I have claimed to, yes. And I have believed it, sure. But I don't. And here is how I know.

I do not hate my sin.

When I watch the news and see a broadcast over child molesters or kidnappers, I HATE that sin. When I experience persecution from complacent "Christians", I HATE that sin. When I see the effects of parental abuse or neglect and divorce on children's lives that I come into contact with, I HATE that sin. But sin is separation from receiving God's love. No matter the sin. So why don't I despise my own as much as other's?

The only way to fully desire a RIGHTEOUS God is to HATE our sin, and desire righteousness.

Our sole purpose in existing is to esteem God and to desire to know Him. Yet society places sole emphasis on getting through this life and making it to Heaven, holding low regard to intimately knowing our God. What if Heaven is not streets of gold and gates of pearl? Will you then long to go? What if it is streets of feces and rusted gates....but God is there. Would you then long to be there? Washer points out that eternal life starts now, not when you die. So are we, as Christians, living our lives in a desperate chase to know God? Do we hate our sin and desire righteousness? If the answer to those questions for you personally is no, then my next question is why?

I don't have those answers for your life, but I have some vague ideas of the answers of why when it comes to reflecting on my own life. And through prayer and meditation and reflection of God's Word-I hope to encounter why I don't hate some sins in my life. I hope to encounter what keeps me from falling on my face in pure joy when worshiping my Savior. I hope to face what strongholds keep me from abandoning it all to seeking God's face and knowing His voice so intimately there is no mistaking it from my own or those of my enemies. I desire to desire God, if that makes any sense.

This blog is something heavy on my heart. No answers really, yet, a conversation starter between believers. I hope it finds you where you need to be found at this exact moment. And if you want to talk more about it, pray together, worship in abandon with one another-I encourage all emails, texts, facebook messages. Anything. We are family-so let's learn these lessons together and as one, start DESIRING OUR GOD.

In Him,

Meg

MeaganCremeens@gmail.com

Meagan Alyse Cremeens--Facebook

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

Typically when I blog, I am replaying a message God has put on my heart. Maybe sharing visions he has shown me or elaborating on a word or situation He has given me. And other times, I am simply just talking. As me. Sharing my heart with the world. There is no specific lesson in these soul-bearing moments. Just...word vomit? Anyway, this week I experienced some thing and wanted to be able to share. So here it is:

I am a strong believer in the claim that we as the body of Christ are all given specific spiritual gifts. That we are anointed in something that is intended on aiding the church and progressing the kingdom of Heaven on earth. This is most likely not news to anyone reading this if you have read any of my other blogs. I am uncertain what you would call my gift...discernment maybe? But I am super sensitive to situations of spiritual warfare. I pick up the darkness and evil that surround a person, that surround situations even. I feel in my spirit when there are battles in the spiritual realm near me. I have seen darkness in the spiritual realm as well as feeling it. And it all affects me, pretty horribly usually.

If you have ever had an anxiety attack or panic attack, this is sort of what this spiritual attack (for lack of a better word) can feel like. Shortness of breath, a feeling of utter hopelessness, extremely sick to my stomach, a feeling of no control over my body-basically, NOT FUN.

I entered into a situation on Tuesday, helping out an old friend, where i was surrounded by darkness. This friend has been having a horribly hard time lately, suffering from drug addiction and now the potential loss of her kids and family, as well as some other extremely difficult circumstances. I was helping her watch her kids so we were together all day. Without indulging too much for the sake of this friend, let's just say the entire day was very challenging to me. It was hard to watch her suffer in the moments of breaking down and hard to see the affect it was having on her children. It was clear to see that this role of stay at home mom to a set of 3 year old twins has put her in survival mode. There is no thriving, no growing, no learning. There is survival. Making it from one meal to the nap to to daddy coming home time, with little joy in between. Although I was there to help her, I found myself overwhelmed with the task and commend her (and any stay at home mom) for her effort.

I guess the most heart breaking part was seeing her give up. And feeling in those hard moments that sense of frustration and defeat, and realizing that these negative emotions were probably what led to her turning to drugs instead of to God. Being so sensitive to spiritual warfare, I felt all day the growing darkness and anxiety and hopelessness that surrounded the situation I was in.

When I left, I went to my friend Catherine's house. I was there for about an hour when it all came "tumbling down". I got extremely ill, that same feeling of crashing blood sugar, sweating, horribly nauseous, panicky feeling. And I knew I was under attack. We went into her kitchen and there she attempted to feed me -to aid in what felt like my blood sugar bottoming out. After little progress with that, she placed her hands on me and prayed over my body. As I heaved into sobs feeling overwhelmed with a hopeless never going to feel better feeling, there she was, unwavering and faithfully speaking to God on my behalf. After praying, she opened the Word and started reading scripture out loud to/over me. I could feel the oppression lifting off of me somewhat-enough to finally move after what seemed like hours there. I traveled to my grandmother's house down the street where I got sick one last time and was able to lay on her couch to rest. The time was about 9:30 and I managed to text some of the most wonderful prayer warriors I am blessed to have in my life, knowing they are so faithful in praying for me when these attacks happen. Almost an hour later, I felt that last bit of darkness lift off of me-or maybe it was the end of the battle and the darkness being banished. I don't have special spiritual realm glasses where I can see what is going on, all I (me personally, because I believe some people DO have the gift of seeing) can do in those situations is go on my FEELING. After feeling that last bit of darkness leave, I was able to take my first deep breath in hours. I could feel everything inside of me-veins, organs, cells, etc-stop shaking and settle into a lethargic slumber. I was no longer sick to my stomach, but at complete peace. I closed my eyes and when I finally fell asleep for the night, it was the most PEACEFUL and RESTFUL nights sleep I have had in months.

The next day I felt like a new woman. There was no physical hint of having been in that dark situation the night before, but in my spirit there was a change. A positive change though! I was resound to no longer being a step behind what Satan throws my way, but ready to train for battle and be prepared to fight. Although I entered into the situation Tuesday under MUCH prayer coverage throughout the entire day, there are things missing in my daily walk with God that I am certain will prepare me better to face battles like those. It's a season of exciting movement, understanding where I was and have been and knowing that I don't want to be there again. God is doing so much in me these days and revealing SO much to me about situations like this week, that I can't wait to share.

So maybe this is not a blog about learning something specific or to prove any kind of point. But it is my life-the good and the not so fun. And I pray that it finds you absolutely wherever you need to be found upon reading it. Even though this is not a big fat lesson kind of blog, there is something that I would say as encouragement to anyone reading. And it is that spiritual warfare is real. Spiritual gifts are real. And those are are walking that line of the spiritual and physical are subject to all that I have experienced in this post and much more. But God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power! So there is no reason to be fearful or scared of that is going on in the spiritual realm-but there is a reason to be AWARE of it. So you can learn from what's going on and spread that knowledge to other's fighting battles of their own.

Thanks for listening,

In Him,

Meg

Hearing God's Voice

You know how every now and then, you pick up on a hand full of situations that all seem to be telling you the same general idea? Maybe you've been praying hard about whether to get a new car or not, and weeks go by months maybe, and it's no longer the focal point of your mind, yet there will be a days worth of situations that present overwhelming conviction to make that decision? Or maybe there is nothing you are asking or seeking an answer to, yet there will be several moments that connect a general idea for you-a revealing I like to call it. Something God has been revealing to me lately is that He is consistently trying to reveal things to us. He is always talking to us, showing us things-yet, we don't always hear Him. Why is that I wonder?

I heard once the statistic that a newborn recognizes its' mother's voice upon birth, but it takes 14 days to recognize its' father's. 1 Corinthians 13 says:

¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. ---The Message

When we are babies, we drink milk. We don't do much other than poop, eat (drink), and sleep. If we are still doing only that as adults, then we have a problem right? And at that same notion, if we are adults trying to still survive on our mommy's breast milk, then we have more serious issues, correct? If it takes a newborn 14 days to recognize their father's voice, it makes sense then doesn't it that if we are spiritually still infant's, then we will also not recognize our father's voice?

Notice, too, that I am not saying "hear" our Father's voice. Because we do hear it, don't we? On those random days where things lineup or make sense, the dots are connected, and the general idea is understood. We "get it" then, right? So why not everyday? He is constantly talking to us so why are we not constantly hearing him? Just like the statistic says, we must recognize our Father's voice-and it takes GROWING in order to do so. Without growing, there is no distinguishing what is our voice, what is God's, and what is the voice of the enemy. So how do we grow?

We are constantly in the Word, learning about our Father and following the life of the Son. We are claiming freedom in Jesus Christ against our sins and the lies that bind us to those sins. That in turn allows room for the Holy Spirit to truly move in our lives and tangible ways. We are becoming less and less so that He can become more and more.

Secondly, we need to be getting rid of the distractions. What seems to be true in my own life is that going to church, being in the Word, and prayer only go so far until I completely surrender all that I have up to God. That includes my time, my hobbies, my job, my relationships-all of it. I heard a statistic this past weekend that only 10 percent of the WORLD has hot and cold running water. First of all, I was blown away. I could not believe it. Secondly, it got me to thinking about things we consider to be blessings.

So often, we thank God for things as blessings, when in turn they are actually distractions from hearing Him. For example, having a car. Transportation is a blessing when we need to get from place to place. But if we didn't have a car, there is always the bus, a cab, trains, a bike, or good old fashion walking. Life is not impossible without a car, just a little more challenging. And there is certainly no need to have a car worth half a million dollars. Or even have a hundred thousand dollars. There is no need. Then that "blessing" just turns into a status symbol and greed. Greed is a sin and that separates us from God and recognizing His voice. Another example might be a computer. It can be considered a blessing for work and research and education purposes. However, the tools that seem to set us free can also so easily bind us. The internet is full of traps. Porn, facebook, twitter, Pinterest, itunes, youtube, and the list goes on and on and on. Sure, those are not all horrible things, however, they are all in a capacity distracting us from hearing God because they take time away from the things that allow us to hear Him.

The rest of 1 Corinthians 13 says:

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

There will come a day when there will be nothing that hinders us from hearing and seeing God. But until that day, we are being trained for that time. And in that preparation comes the discipline of hearing our Father. To stop being infants, no longer drinking milk, but instead growing up, and eating meats and other foods that nourish us. Ephesians 4:14 says:

^14-16No prolonged infancies among us, please. We'll not tolerate babes in the woods, small children who are an easy mark for impostors. God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love. ----The Message

So I encourage you, brother and sister, to pray, to fast, to meditate, to be in God's Word, to open your mind and your heart to all He is constantly trying to show us. And to remember, even in those times you feel defeated or are seeking for a purpose through the pain, He is there. God is in the business of turning our mess into something beautiful that will glorify Him. So trust that although we can not understand sometimes, all things will come together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) And most importantly....

Listen. Your Father is talking to you, right now. Are you an infant who doesn't recognize His voice? Or are you ready to grow up, hear God, and most importantly, know Him?

In Him,

Meg

Uh, dude...are you missing a finger?

Sunday I visited a new church with some dear friends of mine. In Sunday school, we talked a little about obedience and surrender-both things that God has been laying on my heart lately. It sparked a random blog-thought in my head about what this surrender might look like in our lives. I think when people hear the word surrender they think about having to give up something. However, I think it means so much more than that. In fact, the giving up of something (or things) most often brings about the getting so much more in return. And surrender doesn't always mean the sacrifice of something you love dearly...sometimes it means the use of the giftings and talents God has given us, in order to bring about change and progression in the kingdom.

One of our wise teachers in the class put it this way (this is paraphrased, and probably badly): Basically that the body of Christ=believers, all serve a function in the body. Some are the eyes that have the gift of seeing people the way God does, or seeing the people and situations that are often overlooked. Some believers are gifted in words and public speaking, and are using those gifts to be the mouth/voice of Christ. Some Christians feel called to missionary, spreading the Good News all over the world-these folks might be like the feet on the body of Christ. (Stay with me on this a minute)...If someone is called to be "the eyes" yet, they do not use their giftings, do not align their passions or careers to God's will, have not tapped into the passions He has put in their heart....then the BODY is walking around with no eyes. (Making sense yet?) Maybe the people gifted in labor or crafting or healing, who are called to serve the purpose of the HANDS of Christ, don't continually seek God's will for their life and are attempting to serve as the FEET....have you ever seen someone walking around on their hands? Not very functional right? This particular teacher said it would be like seeing the body of Christ hopping around on one leg because the folks called in the area of being a leg of Christ just decided to not answer the call and not do the work we as all Christians are called to do.

I have never really thought about the body of Christ in that way before. But it makes sense. Albert Einstein once said "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its' whole live believing that it is stupid." It is SO important, not only as people but as Christians, to know what God has gifted us in, and to find a way to walk in that gifting. Using our talents not only to glorify God, but as tools in order to spread the Good News and bring the kingdom of Heaven on earth. I am wonderfully creative and have the imagination of a 4 year old child. But if you place me behind a desk to do clerical work for 8 hours a day I will suffocate and die. I will become frustrated in what I can't do, the new things my brain won't learn, the boredom, the lack of color and creativity and excitement, the monotony, I mean none of that work sounds appealing. Yet, somebody else is CALLED to do that and it is their passion! The kind of work that excites their heart! Can you imagine how screwed up the world would be if we were all forced to do things we were not good at, not gifted in, or not interested in?

So after Sunday, spiritual gifts was the topic on my mind significantly, as well as the roles of different people chosen to follow Christ. This thought was the transition into my experience Monday with "Dr." Barry Joneshill of Rosebud, Arkansas--a homeopathic health store owner who serves as a sort of "go-between" with you and God in helping to diagnose and then naturally cure people's ailments. I had heard all of these bizarre stories about him "seeing" cancer in people before doctors ever saw it. Stories of him seeing that so and so was about to be a grandmother of twins, or that this man has suffered depression because of the loss of his father, or this lady who has had fill in the blank happen in her childhood that causes failure in her right kidney. And the list goes on and on! So of course, I was curious to go. And on Monday, my aunt, sister, cousin, and myself packed up and made the 2 hour trek to Rosebud.

We had no idea what to expect upon entering, we did not know there was an 'etiquette' to follow in order to be seen. It was bad enough it was snowing like crazy when we went, but luckily nobody else was stupid enough to get out in it so we did not have to wait to be seen. We made the decision in the car on the way up to his health store, Remedies, that we would just give it to him straight what our ailments were. And then shut up so he could do his thing. He started with my little cousin. Asked her name. "Ashley." Then, what's on her mind. She told him about her severe stomach issues, and getting sick after everytime she ate. All the doctors she has seen about this issue have all claimed stress or constipation, prescribe Miralax, and send her on her way. After about 30 seconds of closing his eyes and praying, Dr. Barry came back and told her that she has 5 ulcers in her stomach and 2 are bleeding. He then asked her questions that backed up what he saw or heard from Jesus, and wrote her out a "remedy."

Then it was my sister's turn. Name. "Brittany." Then a, what's on your mind. My sister told Barry her issues and severe pain. He spent some time with Jesus, then came back and told her the issue-which blew us all out of the water. He also "saw" her broken tailbone (which she knew she had but never said it out loud). He wrote her out a remedy and badda bing badda boom. My turn.

Name. "Meagan". What's on your mind. I told him of several things, none of which seemed to be connected at all. I tried to keep it short and simple so I didn't seem like I was complaining too much. So i said "hormonal acne, severe sinus issues the past couple of years, deep pretty severe pain in my right leg and left arm" That's it. All I said. Instead of a few seconds he spent a good couple of minutes in prayer and came back to tell me that I have 2 cysts on my left ovary. He explained that everything that comes in two's on/in our body serve very distinct yet different purposes. He said the left ovary is in charge of child bearing and creativity. And if something was blocking it there would be difficulty conceiving a child as well as feelings of procrastination and hindrance in creative aspects of life. He said the right ovary controls the feelings of joy and emotions of happiness. He asked me questions pertaining to my mood as well as my rapid brain thought at night, how I can't get it to shut off. My (what I thought was) "restless leg syndrome", bad back, and itchy/dry skin. He addressed my unstable weight as well. And contributed all of this to my body is being tricked...into thinking it is pregnant. So it is reacting in a way that a pregnant woman would! Down to even gaining extra lbs around the mid section as to protect a growing child! CRAZYVILLE! He then told me that there is a nerve at the top of our mouths that serves a critical purpose. It tells our brains to tell our digestive organs to digest our food/pills we take and eat. Somehow, whether through bad dental work or a birth defect, I am missing this nerve. So for however long (maybe forever, who knows) my brain has not been telling my digestive organs how to digest my food and medicines properly. This can cause excess weight gain as well. He then gave me my "remedies."

Last was my aunt. She went in, as we ALL did, assuming she might reference these very specific things she struggle with (her head-migraines, and heart) and he instead tells her that she has been living with walking pneumonia for the past 6 years. As well as her struggle to lose a few extra lbs coming from the fact that she is carrying around 8lbs of excess water weight, which explains her swelling legs and feet and hands and fingers!

After checking out (the visit is FREE and the remedies are not mandatory, just recommended) we left for our long peaceful drive back in beautiful falling snow. I had 2 hours plus the rest of the day to meditate on all he said, compare notes with my family, and try to remember the many ways he blew all of our minds during our visit. The thing I kept coming back to dwell on was this sense of GRATITUDE. Not only to God, for giving him this gift, but to him, for allowing himself to be used by the Lord in this way. He has a teaching degree for crying out loud! And did SO much other stuff in his life before he landed where he is now. I am certain he probably thought his life would take a much different route-and now look at him! He surrendered his life and his plans for himself, and he is being used by God in a MIGHTY way! It was as if while closing his eyes the few minutes he took to pray over us, that he traveled to the throne room, shook hands or gave knucks all too familiarly with JC and said "Hey Lord, what's up with this chick down here. What can I tell her?" Jesus then tells him, and then Barry comes back down to us to deliver the message. TALK ABOUT OBEDIENCE! I don't know anyone else who does that but Barry does. And all I can think of is how GRATEFUL I am that as his sister in Christ and part of the same body he is a part of, that he is truly using his anointing to bring glory to God and victory in the kingdom.

Travel back to what we were talking about earlier. About people trying to walk in gifting that isn't theirs, or not using the talents God has given them. Can you imagine if someone like Dr Barry Joneshill decided to be a....travel agent? Or CIA spy? Or kindergarten teacher? SURE-as a believer he would have been used in ANY and ALL of those places, if that's where he was. BUT, it isn't what he was CREATED to do.

I know this blog is all over the place today. But the general idea is this. If you feel a heaviness or an uneasy feeling about your job, your chosen major at school, going to school at all, your current boyfriend, ANYTHING...I would spend some serious time in the Word, and in prayer. The Word so you can learn God's character and use fundamental truths to fight against the deceit of Satan. And Prayer because this is how we communicate with God. There is probably a reason you feel the way that you do. So act on it. If you have a secret desire to be an acrobat in the circus-and it's a longing you have felt your entire life. Maybe you have done some of it in a camp or playing around on a playground and you know you are super talented in it. Don't take for granted these signs God gives us, or the talents and dreams He has placed in our heart. Don't SETTLE for what the WORLD says that you should do. The ONLY one whose opinion matters is GOD's. And if he tells you to quit college, then for Heaven sake-QUIT. If he tells you to move to Africa and open an orphanage-don't hesitate. FIND a way and do it! We are only given so much time on this earth and God is only giving so many directions, whether we are following them or not. MAKE THIS LIFE COUNT!

Do not, in your comfortable complacency, cause the body of Christ to be walking around missing a leg. Find your gifts, and use them to glorify God. Discover your passion, and incorporate them into your daily life. Ask God to show you how to use what He's given to you to use, and after your surrender then when you hear back from Him, OBEY. As Nike says, JUST DO IT!!

In Him,

Meg

NEWS FLASH: It's NOT about YOU!

This past Sunday I blogged a woe-is-me blog about feeling invisible, and constantly searching for that place where I belong. After I wrote the blog (i.e. claimed those feelings as truth) I felt intense spiritual attack. I called on my usual prayer warriors who pray for me in times like those, and I cried out to God all night while listening to His word-via my Bible app on my iPhone. When I awoke Monday morning, I was trying to sort out what had happened. Why this happens often. And what I was to learn from the situation. And plain as day I "heard" God say. NEWS FLASH: It's NOT about YOU!

Whoa.

It isn't?

Not about me...at...all??

I mean, sure, I tell myself it isn't about me. But was I acting that way? Nope. And if it's not about me then who is it about? DING DING DING. You guessed it. God.

So as a single woman in my mid-20's who also feels called to be a wife and a mother, I have sort of been obsessing about that for the past year. Not dating anyone, because Lord knows THAT would be too easy. But studying and observing and praying about being a wife and mom. To the point that (also because I am a teacher) I have spent countless hours pouring over blogs written by mothers who home school. I have spent a large sum of money on children's books I come across, or workbooks that teach kiddos how to read and write. I have taken notes after every child I have babysat, and every mother I have had the blessing to encounter. My life has been eating, sleeping, and breathing learning how to do this thing you all call motherhood. Which, don't get me wrong, I don't think is SUCH a bad thing. However, when I woke up on Monday and realized that this thing called life isn't about ME, I realized that I became arrogant in that if God told me I was to do it, and I studied hard enough, that it would magically happen. I felt...entitled.

Entitled. It's a GREAT word that often sums up how we as humans feel. If not particularly about something specific then just in general in this life. We feel ENTITLED. Entitled to get the best parking spot, to get through the Starbucks line fastest, to get the lowest price on the item we swore was on sale, to have the best vehicle, to have the biggest house, to have the trendiest clothing, and the list goes on and on. SO on and on in fact that we often act like our breathing is a blessing to those around us. It is this American-dream mentality that David Platt talks about in his book, "Radical", where we work so hard to exalt ourselves and how wonderful WE are when in reality, we are created to exalt the almighty Creator of our very existence.

Something shifted in my Spirit over Sunday night and waking up on Monday morning. I suddenly realized that this is NOT about me. My hopes. My dreams. My desires. I've been living life thinking hey, my dreams line up with God's will for me so it's "ok" to feel entitled in making them come true. The mentality behind that statement is wrong in so many ways. First of all it's selfish. It's the American mentality of instant gratification. Hard work equals all our dreams coming through via our own power. Secondly, scripture tells us in Ephesians 3:20 "all glory to God who is able through his mighty power at work within us to accomplish infinitely more than we might as or think." This tells me, that whatever my hopes and dreams for my own life are, that Papa is going to blow those out of the water with what HE actually has in store for me. A thirdly, in order for the secondly statement to happen it means SURRENDER. Surrendering our LIVES to God. Not just attending church, not just reading in the Word, but DAILY dying to ourselves so that Christ may live in us and work on Earth bringing glory to the Father's name.

What I have discovered this week, is to make this possible there must be obedience. Obedience and Surrender go hand in hand. You've heard the scripture in Matthew 6:24 (and again throughout the rest of the Gospels) that you can not serve two Masters. You will hate one and love the other, be devoted to one and despise the other. If you have ever watched Animal Planet you have heard dog trainers say this before. A dog's bad behavior is sometimes the cause of confusion, in who they are supposed to be obeying. Even if a couple jointly owns the dog, there can only be ONE Master. One person the dog listens to, obeys, is disciplined by, etc. The same goes for our relationship with God. You cannot serve God and turn around and bow down to Facebook. You cannot serve God then bow down to your growing wardrobe. And you certainly can't claim to serve God then live your life in a way that only exalts yourself and your own "power". This selfish mentality is where we go wrong in this life. It affects our marriages, our friendships, our productivity at work, our relationships with our children/parents; it poisons all that we touch--especially, our desperate need for a Savior. Why have one if we are all out there "saving ourselves."

The truth is we THINK we can do it on our own. But we can't.

I have no clue where my life is headed. In the least. But I DO know, that this week I have had one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. Serving, being in the Word, intimately seeking God every single day, spreading His love and joy to those I encounter...the Holy Spirit inside of me is transforming my thoughts from thoughts about me and what I want, to thoughts of what God desires for my life so that HIS name be glorified on Earth in all I do.

Being a performer, and teaching other's to perform, it is too easy to get wrapped up in taking compliments and good reviews and turning them into glory that I am actually doing something great. The fact is, I am NOTHING, without my God. I long for every breath I take to truly point towards my amazing, holy, powerful, merciful, loving, jealous, MIGHTY Father and His work in my life. Where I know we must relinquish our control to the Holy Spirit to truly be transformed, I also believe that there are small steps we can take in our lives to focus each day or in each situation that this is NOT about US.

I am going to blog about some of these wild ideas I have later this week. But I hope I am leaving you with some hope or encouragement. Sure, it sounds a little defeating, that wah wah we don't get what we want. But the beauty comes in knowing that we have no control. And where it CAN be a scary thought, it can also be a refreshing one. That the Creator of this universe has a plan for us already, and if we just surrender to His will, we will be taken care of.

In Him,

Meg

Somewhere I Belong....

Inside of us, deep inside, where no one can see and most people can't touch, we carry something. For some of us, it is gaping and open wounds that are desperate for cleansing and healing. For others, those wounds have already turned to scars. Brought to the surface and healed, yet, a reminder of the things that caused them. Whether it be scars or wounds, they both carry a message. A message of what that wound or scar says to you about yourself and the world around you. I battle with knowing which of my scars are scars, and which are still wounds, needing to be brought to the surface and healed. Regardless though, the messages are typically the same. Unwanted. Unloved. Doesn't belong. Doesn't fit in. Not normal. Abandoned. Orphaned. Alone. Lost.

I do not consistently feel any of these. But frequently, things happen in my life, where I remember the scar/wound of one of the words you see above and am reminded of how it got there. Now, I am not going to give you my big sob story-those of you who actually read this already know it. But knowing past the details, and into the pain, might help understand why these words above still ring loud into my heart today. My "checklist testimony" starts off with me saying, product of parents who partied and fought violently (check), adulterous parents (check), mother left (check), and the list seriously goes on and on. But the checklist isn't the important part....the messages behind the situations we deal with are what's important I think. So it's being the little kid who wondered why the other kids had moms who baked them cookies to bring to sleepovers. It's wondering why it hurt to the depths of my soul when a friend's parent forgot to pick me up one morning for a cheerleading competition. Why stray animals shatter my little heart like you wouldn't believe. Those things revolve around a message that I carry. The message in the words above.

This weekend, I have been reminded of that message in several different capacities. Normally I blame it on Satan. But it could SO very well be God bringing these things to the surface of my heart to heal them. (And maybe He will have to continue to do it for the rest of my life, I'm not sure.) I left a Super Bowl party tonight with some amazing "family", and the feeling I felt when I left was lost. Not yet hopeless, but lost nonetheless. Do you ever pray and pray and pray and wish and think and hope that God will just show you the next step you are supposed to take for your life, then you think the plan is sent to you and it turns out not being the step at all? I take these moments in my life particularly hard. I am in reckless abandon to God's will for me. Surrendering all that I am. My hopes, my dreams, my life-simply begging Him what He wants me to do. And I just don't know. I don't know and I don't get it. People NAG me all the time about "oh you're so young stop worrying about it" but this goes far beyond my desire for a husband and a family one day, and is literally stripped down to begging God to USE me.

Yes, I know He is using me where I am now in my life. But what was I designed for? Why did you create me? How do I impact people in a huge way? I seek and desire to be one of many forces I know He has designed to change this world and I feel like all I really do is run around chasing my own tail in circles. Do you ever feel that way? Like there has GOT to be something more out there that you were meant to do and you're not doing it? I feel that way at least every other day and I don't know why!

The title of this blog is "Somewhere I Belong"....I don't know where that somewhere is. Maybe we are never really supposed to "belong" somewhere. Maybe it brings too much comfort and complacency. I am quite happy not belonging somewhere, if God would just show me that whatever I am doing is worth it and making a difference. I don't care to be uncomfortable for Him, live in a box, climb a mountain, ANYTHING---but what am I supposed to do? I don' know....

Sometimes it feels like people forget that I am an individual person, especially surrounded by a group of middle aged married couples (which is where my heart is and where I feel most comfortable, yet not gonna lie, not fun for single young Meg sometimes). This weekend on a few different occasions with a few different people- I was grouped together and "lost in the crowd". And never got the invite or never heard the plan from people who were expected to tell me. Nobody's fault, yet hurtful to me. Because I am a person. And it goes back to these scars...I cried on the way home thinking, don't I deserve a text too telling me what's going on for lunch or inviting me over for the game? Aren't I important enough to be added, just one more name, to that mass texting list? Are we not good friends enough that you would invite me out to dinner too? Why is so and so expected to give me the news when I am a real live human being over here on this side of the world too that you could just as easily reach out to? I promise I am not trying to be a cry baby, but these things HURT scarred little girls like me. Ya know?

And I am certainly not trying to be oh Woe is me, what a hard little life I've had, boooo hooo. That's not me right now in this moment at all. What I am feeling though, is real. And it's simply that on top of feeling so LOST in my life right now, I also feel, ALONE. Not lonely. But ALONE. Invisible sometimes. Regardless if I am in the middle of a crowded room making people laugh, shopping with my very best friend, or eating dinner at home with my beloved family, the little girl inside who was better off invisible her whole life is still deep inside. The little girl who was left behind, who was forgotten, who was unwanted, who nobody made time for, who was often in the way, who didn't quite fit in, and still doesn't feel like she has many places where she belongs....that sad little girl is still inside of me. I hope this revelation this weekend is God's way of bringing this to the surface of my heart once more to heal me. Patch me up again, and send me on my way.

Learning to trust, learning to breathe, and learning to let the Light shine.....

In Him,

Meg

My God Doesn't Live in a Box...does yours?

Everyday God reveals to me in numerous ways how I am to be involved in children's and youth ministry. Sometimes He places people in my life to mentor. Sometimes He assures my gifting through encouragement from someone. Often times He places huge visions in my head for the sorts of things He is going to use me to do (Christian drama, world changing children's curriculum, etc.) Without a doubt I am here for a reason. We all are. So this little rant is only spurred by the fact that I am SO passionate about this subject. It hit me after church tonight and was encouraged by a lyric in a Francesca Batistelli song which I also heard coming home. The lyric is:

You said the foolish
Would shame the wise
To put my faith
In what’s beyond my eyes
And to believe You
I have to come as a child

So help me to rest in the mystery
Of what I can’t understand

"To come as a child"....that is such an important part of that song for me and for my ramblings tonight. Matthew 19:14 says-But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

DON'T STOP THEM! Some translations say DON'T HINDER THEM. For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children. Ok so this rant starts with how AGAINST prayer requests I am. I know this sounds so silly but hear me out. Of course I am a HUGE fan of praying for people. But it bugs me to no end that we teach our children to take 20 plus minutes out of a class time (meant for learning God's word, character, and will for our lives) so that they can make a list of who to pray for. The reason this bugs me is because the intention behind it is who has the most sick friends, how large can we make the list, hey I want to talk out loud so I am going to raise my hand and ask prayer requests for people I don't even know--"my brother's girlfriends dog walker's cousin has the flu" I'm SORRY if I am stepping on toes here, but that is NOT what prayer is about. I repeat, NOT, what prayer is about.

Prayer is INTIMATE time talking to our SAVIOR! A Savior who is not a stinking GENIE!! A Savior who lives and breathes in the same room where we vacantly read names off of a board and make it absolutely NOTHING about Him!! Again, hear me say that I am not against praying for people. But teaching our kids that this is what a prayer life is, IS WRONG. We are teaching them to be robots. They will grow up robots, putting God in a box, and the vicious cycle of a generation of people who do not truly know the Lord will continue. How are we as Christians supposed to bring the kingdom of Heaven on earth if we are only teaching our kids the same CRAP that we learned growing up in church?

I have said this many times, and I will say it again, how often I PRAISE GOD I did not grow up in a church. Sure, there have been many hard times because of it. But one amazing thing that happened was there was absolutely no robotic mindset to get me out of-to tug of war my heart in a million different directions, wasting much valuable life-time which would have taken away from the ways He is using me. I don't at all believe that those who were brought up in church are all putting God in a box and training their kids to be robots, that's not the point here at all.

The point is we who work with or have children have this AMAZING and UNBELIEVABLE opportunity to bring the next generation of Christians up in an environment where they DAILY learn to seek God's face. Where they know that worship goes beyond singing hymnals in beautiful 6 part harmony but that God is breaths away from your face and you are getting to BLESS Him with worship. We get to bring children in from the outer courts of the spiritual tabernacle and into the Holy of Holies where they SEE God!! They get to learn His character, learn to be LIKE God, and most importantly fall in LOVE with our Lord!! This is a goal for me and ANY child's life that I get to encounter, because it's not only POSSIBLE to raise children this way, it is the way we were CREATED to come to God. AS CHILDREN. With the faith and unconditional innocent love of a child! But instead, grownups strip all of that away and raise them to be robots because that is how they were raised. It's time to break the mold. They have the capacity to love God in this way because we were created to come to God LIKE THEM! Isn't that so beautifully refreshing!??

This "rant" isn't out of anger by any means. Maybe righteous passion? Regardless, I know when I have kids I will want SO SO SO much more for their life then the kids I see today. And in order to do that I don't want to be the only person on board with how this should happen. I need their surrounding teachers and friends parents' thinking in this same way! Anyone who has influence over my child will have to have this passion or they won't have access to the heart of my kid. That's just the way it will be. And I hope parents today feel that same way about who is teaching their child and what they are teaching them.

I am sure that being everywhere as a parent is ridiculously hard. I teach in many places and in many forums. Of the say 100 kids I have taught in some avenue or another over the past year, I MAYBE have met and talked to 15 parents who were genuinely concerned with how they were doing, what they were learning, their behavior, etc. That is sad to me. So heartbreakingly sad. GET INVOLVED people. Figure out what you want your kids to learn (about God, the world, love, sex, drugs, rock n roll, the whole dang thing) and PUT people in their lives who are going to be your second and third and fourth voices in sharing those values and ideas. If you don't do it now, then when the day comes they're going to think they have it all figured out. Like how we think we have God all figured out, and that's the way we come to Him and teach our kids to come to Him...? Pretty soon that will not be enough and they will FIND the answers they're looking for....but where?

In Him,

Meg

To Love, or Not to Love....

Some times...people are not very nice. It's just a fact of life. Some times they cut you off in traffic, they talk about you behind your back, they break promises, they call you names, and the list goes on and on and on. There are so many ways that people are not nice to one another. It hurts worse though, when it is someone we love, right?

I have had on my mind recently the notion of loving as God loves. A very big concept huh? To love as God loves. To sacrificially and unconditionally love those around me. I am only human, so I will probably never get this right, but it has been deep in my heart lately to at least try.

Sometimes as the loved one of somebody, you have to put up with a lot. You become the sounding board sometimes, for all things negative going on in their life. Or maybe you are simply not always treated as respectfully as you wish you would be, due to the nature of your relationship with that person. I don't think we, as Christians, are called to only unconditionally and sacrificially love those who have the capacity to do it back. I think we are simply just called to do it. Regardless.

When I think about unconditional love I think about a child. Children throw fits, and temper tantrums, when their BIG HUGE emotions are just too BIG and too HUGE for their little bodies to handle. And it manipulates their behavior in specific ways. When their issue manifests into a fit, who do they typically direct their rage at? Their parents. Why? Because deep inside of us somewhere, we believe the lie that it is "ok" to treat the people who love us the most, the worst. Because they love us no matter what, and will be there before the fit starts, during the fit, and after the fit is over. The practice of loving unconditionally then becomes a discipline that is too much to take on by ourselves. It requires the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, or else it will never genuinely happen.

When I think about sacrificial love I think about those dramatic movies and tv shows where person A takes a bullet or something for person B by pushing them out of the way last second, and jumping in front of the gun themselves...then you see "to be continued" and you find out next season whether person A lives or not. ( I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy by the way haha) Honestly though, sacrificial love can show up in the SMALLEST of ways in our day to day relationships with people. Specifically if you are married to someone, I would think one way to sacrificially love them daily would be to wake up every morning asking the question "what can I do for you today, what do you need out of me today in order to make this relationship function as best it can?" It seems easy enough, yet it's a question that does not get asked near enough. Or maybe for relationships of love such as family or friendships, we "take the bullet"--we remain quiet to avoid conflict, we never defend ourselves to remain classy, we let defensive or hurtful remarks slip through the cracks, we simply do what we have to do in order to remain in peace and harmony within the relationship. And it isn't one sided, there should be times when both parties in the relationship are doing this, it's just the natural ebb and flow of it all.

We are called to love others, the way God loves us. It's hard isn't it? It's hard to offer grace when it's easier to offer judgement. It's hard to remain faithful when we are being cheated out of something ourselves. It's hard to stay, when the other person's treatment of us makes us want to run. But just like a parent with their child, it is so important to try. To stay. To remain faithful. To be there. To LOVE. Because if we, as Christians, aren't showing God's love to others then who in the heck do we suppose is going to?

I think of the book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, based off of the book of Hosea in the Word of God. God shows His love to His people in that story by using a faithful man of God to continuously pursue the heart of a prostitute who keeps running away from him. We do this as children of God, CONSTANTLY. We kick, and scream, throw fits, and after it all, He is faithfully still there and still loving us, as well as chasing us and pursuing our hearts. If we can remember this kind of love, when putting our own love for others under the microscope, I think we can better see how to handle situations and in turn, better know how to LOVE.

From the humble and probably useless ramblings of Me :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

If you read the title of this blog you might be thinking to yourself, "hmm, Meg...you're a little late on the Happy New Year blog." Actually, I had SUCH a busy December I did not get a chance to really have a holiday break. Things were busy, hectic, and crazy until New Years Day. So I decided to give myself an extra week in 2011 mode and wait to celebrate 2012 on January 9th (Monday). This means that I got to pig out all week, do some shopping, do some lots of nothing, hang out with friends, pig out some more, and not let myself stress about planning classes or booking private lessons or scheduling photo shoots or ANYTHING! I got to BREATHE. Resolutions took a backseat and I had space to truly meditate and pray about the things I wanted to truly accomplish over this next year. So this blog is dedicated to my New Year Resolutions. A new year that starts for me soon, and I am very excited for the chance to have deeply thought about them and the break to prepare how I might carry these out (some of which are being carried out without my effort but in large part to being a piece of God's plan for me). So if you care....here they are :)

1. Run a 5k

2. Run a half marathon

3. Read 20 books over the course of the year (and actually finish them)

4. Create daily and weekly schedules for myself (to help with the even larger resolution of better time management)

5. Start following blogs of people I find inspirational. (I have read many blogs of people I find so motivational, but time slips away and I never read them again. People I will follow include singer/songwriter Bethany Dillon, my friend Lindsey Little, continue to follow my friend Katie's blog while she is in Spain, singer/songwriter Francesca Batistelli, and so many more)

6. Carve out a time each week to purposefully listen to more online sermons. (I am needing to be "fed" more in this way and am seeking out minsters like Matt Chandler, John Piper, etc)

7. Keeping a running prayer list and making a point each day to legitimately pray for those on the list, adding to the list each time someone asks for prayers. So often someone says "hey will you pray for me", "sure!" we say as we text them driving down the road or while shopping in the mall, and then we never do it. I will carve out a time to do this DAILY.

8. God has laid many a vision in my heart from things like teenage Christian drama, Christian monologues and short plays, to developing an entire children's ministry curriculum that taps into the creative and performing arts as well as developing an atmosphere where children are hungry to know God. This is something I will work on this year.

9. Create curriculum for the ministry of young girls (developing more my princess curriculum) as well as things like VBS curriculum for childrens ministry. I may not use these things for 10 years or more but God has put them on my heart as crucial things to be done and I will obey.

10. Play guitar more often (and get better!)

11. Save money (I bought a princess piggy bank from Target last night and fully intend on fillin her up!) I am saving to get out of debt, take a trip, and invest in better equipment for my photography business!

12. Grow even closer and more intimate with God by truly learning His character. Having more faith and trust in Him.

13. Save a life.

14. Learn to cook (Anna is teaching me this right now and it is WONDERFUL!) as well as eating better in general-to keep all toxins out of my body!

15. On midnight of New Years Eve I had the pleasure of toasting with 4 amazing women who are devoted followers of God, all who are passionately in love with Him too. We are all single, and laughingly toasted to "Finding a husband!"--but honestly, my calling is to be a wife and a mother. And I know how important the sanctification of marriage is, and although it will be the hardest job I will ever do, it will also be the most important one. And by impacting and affecting the lives of my family I can then in turn help to change the world-which has always been a little dream of mine. So I DO toast to finding a husband. Maybe not this year, maybe not next, I don't know...but I will continue "toasting" and hoping and wishing and praying for him until that moment....we meet :)

One year after New Years my sister, aunt, cousin and I made Vision Boards-cutting out pictures and words from magazines of things we wanted or wanted to accomplish and taping them on a board. After looking at the board everyday for a month we then put the boards away, to then come back to them say 6 months later and find SO much of the board had been accomplished. I will do this again this year with the resolutions above, but I wanted them in writing to encourage you guys as well as to be a constant reminder to myself!

If you have suggestions or encouragement I would LOVE to hear them! Wish me luck!

In Him,

Meg

Catching Up on the Ole Bucket List

For those of you following my blog, a few posts ago you may remember that I put up a winter Bucket List. Upon pondering the holiday this morning I realized that I had a few things to mark off. Some of these were accomplished with knowledge by my own part that it was happening, but others…were a sweet sweet surprise to my soul. Some of them happened exactly how I had imagined, and others were God’s way of giving me patience but still answering the dreams of my heart. I wanted to share with you my progress so far :) so here it goes:

CHECK! 1. I wish to dance in the snow with someone I love. (I got to hold the most precious angel of a baby and dance INSIDE while it was snowing OUTSIDE…I consider this a victory!)

2. I wish to have full days where I do not have to work and all I am responsible for is watching Christmas movies with my sister, drinking hot cocoa, laughing hard, crying some, and loving every minute. (This day might possibly be happening today as it is the first day in months I have had no work, nowhere to go, and nothing specific to do!)

SEMI-CHECK! 3. I wish to shop with my family in the horrific chaos that is Black Friday-for there are no better Christmas memories than tackling this feat! (I went alone to shop on Black Friday and experienced the chaos by myself-but was VERY successful none the less.)

CHECK! 4. I wish to listen to the best Christmas music, while decorating a house/tree, singing at the top of my lungs, and dancing in Christmas pajamas. (My Treece family and I did this a few days before Christmas and it was one of the best memories I will hold near and dear to my heart.)

SEMI-CHECK! 5. I wish to read a Christmas story to a precious child, and watch as the magic I feel for this wonderful time spreads to their heart, too. (I did not read a Christmas story to a child, but my sister made up a Christmas story and told it to me. It was about Bert the Elf who lived in Canada. He wears Doc Martin boots, drives a Prius, and works at Burger King. I was a pretty hysterical story that definitely deserves a check off the ole Bucket List!)

6. I wish to be driving home on a very cold, enchanted winter night, turn on Delilah and hear my favorite Christmas song! (I sadly did not hear my favorite Christmas Song on Delilah. Breath of Heaven (also Mary Did You Know). I find myself constantly connecting with Mary and love so much the songs that talk about her journey, her thoughts, and her heart.)

CHECK! 7. I wish to give a very special and meaningful gift to someone who needs it. (I gave a very special and meaningful gift to someone. I don’t know if they needed it, but they got it. And in return from someone completely different, I also received a very special and meaningful gift!)

CHECK! 8. I wish to sing with my church family at our Southwest Family Christmas and continue spreading the Christmas cheer. (I don’t know about spreading Christmas cheer because that was the night I got the stomach flu, but I DID perform at our SW Family Christmas and had a blast!)

CHECK! 9. I wish to carol beautifully in the downtown park during the Christmas parade, joined by those in the crowd, wishing to send the enchanted melodies high into the crisp night air. (This was a wonderfully enchanted evening.)

CHECK! 10. I wish to have an enchanted experience with community during the community production of "A Christmas Carol"--maybe even getting to share Jesus with people I am serving alongside, who might not truly understand why this holiday is so important. (***It is so special reading this now, because I had forgotten it was on my Bucket List at all. But during lunch between a Saturday matinee and Saturday night show, I got to sit in a circle with about 6 other amazing Christians and share testimonies! Individually we went around the circle and got to share how God has been working in our lives, from ages 13-50. I was AMAZING. After that, in the dressing room while doing vocal warmup, we busted out some Christ Tomlin “How Great is Our God” and it was the most blessed experience. I feel HONORED to have met those wonderful people and to have been a part of that show!)

CHECK! 11. I wish to see someone accept Jesus Christ and take Him on as Lord and Savior. (I got to see a SWEET little angel named Priscilla take on Christ as her Lord and Savior. She radiates God’s love and is so on fire for the Lord. I am very blessed to know her and to be with her during this crucial and amazing time in her life!)

CHECK! 12. I want to witness a God-encounter (whether my own, or someone else's) (** I had the most amazing few days of a God encounter (that is on a previous blog) and was literally touched by His hand and so certain of His presence in my life!)

13. I wish to fall in love...and I wish for the very first time in my life to be truly kissed under a mistletoe, or when the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve.

14. I wish to make snowmen and snow angels with all 3 of my sisters.

15. I wish to drive around looking at Christmas lights with my family, listening to the Veggie Tales Christmas album (because they tell me it's so amazing!)

(I hope this is a work in constant progress) 16. I wish to come out of this holiday season with more patience, more love, more compassion, and more of what will make me more like my Love, Jesus Christ.

17. I truly wish that after the holiday season I will be more at peace accepting the things I do not know, and live each day serving and loving the best I can, while waiting on the Lord to tell me what to do next.

18. I wish to hold hands with the man I know I will spend the rest of my life with.

CHECK! 19. I wish to laugh so hard I cry. (What a WONDERFUL thing!)

20. I wish to ring in the new year in love, with love, and learning learn. For love is the human project, and the ONLY thing in this world that truly matters.

I am certain that the things not checked, will indeed happen. Maybe not this holiday season, maybe not next, but someday. And while I wait for love I will grow in the love I am surrounded by everyday by my family, by my friends, and by my true Love-Jesus Christ. So Bucket List....until we meet again...

In Him,

Meg

If God could TWEET...

Last week during a wonderful lesson at church, I was hit with this thought of instant gratification in prayer. Praying and asking, praying and thanking, or praying and wondering, and then expecting an immediate response...and if not an immediate big booming voice of God right then, we expect or hope for answers pretty quickly at least. That thought led to the instant, if only God could tweet, mentality! We would always know what He is doing, where He is, what is going on in that head of His! TWEETING JESUS! haha If the Lord posted status updates...

The actual lesson was something that hit home in a close way in my life. But to understand the neat way God has revealed Himself to me lately you first have to understand the season I have been in recently.

The past few months I have been very, very sad. Nothing has happened to cause this per say (some hardships here and there and some situations that have shaken my stability some, but nothing traumatic or anything harder then the things in my life I have already dealt with). So first and foremost, there is a growing sadness I can not pinpoint. Normally when this happens, it is in the midst of a transition season. My spirit feels sad or anxiety, often from growing pains, or the friction of staying in a place when spiritually I am called to progress. So this time, I chalked it up to just another one of those learning and growing seasons that would soon be over. Imagine my surprise when a month later it is still here, and worse. I took a vacation across country. I changed my prayer life. Immersed myself in the word. Continued to surround myself with my church family and mentors who might could help. And it wouldn't lift.

Now, I know there are mind over matter people in this world who think that a little positive energy can solve anything. I am a HUGE fan of positive energy, don't get me wrong. But throwing philosophy at an issue takes away the compassion of the problem. And isn't throwing a positive demeanor at a hard hitting issue the same as throwing the Bible at non-Christians expecting them to get out of their own rut? I don't think it works that way. With no suffering, how in the world can you ever expect to be like Jesus? We learn in those moments of hard hitting crap and to dismiss it with a philosophy of this, that, or the other, takes away the things in that moment that God is trying to teach you. (Sorry, rant of the day)

So I could not figure out why I was still feeling this way. When I am presented with spiritual warfare (whether it be mine or near me or what have you) I feel it in this very similar way. My chest tightens, I feel silenced, I am anxious and antsy like I can't wait to 'move', etc...so I knew that's what this was, but I could not figure out exactly why or what was going on, or how to be rid of it. Sometimes under that much attack you feel you don't even have the strength to pray out loud. I was not only feeling this battle in my own life but I am very hypersensitive and can feel it when it is around others. Where I work, where I live, people I am around--and it is about the most draining, miserable feeling ever! So everyday deeper and deeper into a slump I fell.

I was house sitting over Thanksgiving and took that as a much needed opportunity to be alone, to reflect, to meditate on my life, to talk to Jesus, and to just BE STILL. Where it made me feel better in the moment, I still felt myself struggling-striving-seeking-wandering. Confused about every next step I make....why am I still here? Where do I go next? Why am I not moving out of this place? When am I going to progress to where I was created to go?

During this time of house sitting I spoke to many mentors of mine, great friends who speak truth and encouragement into my life. On one night I got a word of advice. It involved the story of Joseph. I was reminded how Joseph got a dream/vision/calling, and then got thrown into a pit. After that he ended up in a prison. And then much later in his life he made his way to a palace, and fulfilled his calling and true destiny. This happens to many people in the Word. A calling/vision/dream/etc.....a season of wandering/seeking/striving/confusion/etc.....and then the fulfillment of our destinies/calling (if we hold tight to Truth while we are on the journey in between). It was my first glimmer of hope I had had in months. People who have had visions of my life or who have prophesied over me all tell me "You have a huge calling on your life!" Yea? Hmm...well, ok so a million other people know it but I guess there has got to be a reason that I don't yet right? But I felt hope anyway, because I know the God of Joseph is the SAME God that of TODAY, whom I intimately love and passionately serve! I know He will do a great work in me and with me for His kingdom, and will do it in HIS perfect timing!

After this glimmer of hope I had intended on blogging about my new hope. I went to my Jesus Storybook Bible (the most BEAUTIFUL story ever written) and was going to post the story of Joseph as it appears there and then write about my experience. Well, talking more in depth about it later, I was told of something else that gave me a glimmer of hope. It is the song "Blessings" by Laura Story.

This song is basically about those moments in life where you feel God is hidden, or your heart is aching, or something has happened to you and your struggling to keep your head above water. Or maybe nothing has happened to you at all but you wonder where God is in the moments where you feel so alone, or so sad, or upset, or (fill in the blank). I listened to that song over and over that night, catching things about it I had taken for granted while listening to it on the radio so many times before.

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Courtesy of lyricshall.com
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

So here is where the really cool stuff starts happening. I studied Joseph through the end of the week. I listened to the song all Saturday night. Sunday, of course, was church. I am not going to lie--it has been a long time since I have been MOVED in a lesson at my church. Holy Spirit stirring in the depths of my soul feel Jesus right beside me kind of MOVED. Well, I was MOVED that day. God used my preacher in a BIG way for me (and I know for SO many others that day too). He stands up to start and immediately has us turn in our Bibles to Genesis 37--the story of Joseph. He begins to preach about the times in life we do not feel God near, and how He is working behind the scenes even when we think He is hidden! He mentioned this same journey for Joseph. (At this moment I am in awe! I can not believe that this is happening! How cool!

When I think he is ending the lesson, he surprises us by telling us there is a song that reminds him of this time in our lives, this questioning of our purpose and calling, and our need to feel God in all that is going on-especially the hard stuff. And the song BLESSINGS, by Laura Story, starts playing. At this point I have chill bumps all over, I feel Jesus sitting right beside me holding my hand and whispering "See Meg, I AM still here. I promised you I would never leave you and I won't. Just trust me. I AM in your life-including all that you do not see, or hear, or feel."

I left the service PUMPED, hopeful, energetic, and just AMAZED at God's GOODNESS! Through the next couple of days I continued to try and hang on to that feeling and memory, when I felt my frustration of the unknown creeping up again. On Tuesday of that same week, God popped in again....

I pulled up to Hastings randomly to wait on a friend I was meeting for coffee. I saw a what appeared to be homeless man sitting on the bench outside. I sat in my car a second, wondering what I should do. Well what would so and so do, or how could I make this a not awkward situation for all involved sort of deal? (I do not encounter many homeless folks in my city so it is not something I am familiar doing). So I said hello and went inside, and shopped for a few Christmas presents. I told myself if he was out there when I went back out that I would talk to him. And, of course, he WAS! So I put my stuff in my car and sat down beside him. We struck up convo instantly-not awkward at ALL! We talked about how he earns money (picking up scrap metal in the streets and such). We started talking about school, and it ends up that he graduated from my alma mater which I found super cool! Hmm, what are the odds.... He tells me I look familiar and I tell him my name, and he asked me if I knew a Bill Cremeens. "Yes, that is my grandfather!" ((Then it hit me, oh well all of my dad's family went to Westside I bet he knows some of them)) He says "Bill was my teacher. I knew of the boys, but Steve was the one I had hung around with" THIS RANDOM HOMELESS MAN KNEW MY DAD!! That may not seem like a big deal to you, but my father died 2 years ago in a car accident. And after desperate prayer for months for God to show me not even where He is at work in my life but just that He is here in general, He manages to sit me in front of a homeless man I almost would not talk to and the man ends up being childhood friends with my deceased father. I am sorry but HALLELUJAH our God is so COOL!!!

We ended up going inside and I got him some coffee, and I regret not getting any information of how to contact him again. But I am certain God will put us on the same path again one day.

(Ok last one) A few days after that I ran into a friend of mine, Natalie, at the Christmas Parade downtown. She recently had a baby so it has been a while since I had seen her. With little conversation she looks me in the eye and says "I read a blog recently I feel compelled to share with you. You've been on my heart, I feel like you've been having a hard time lately." I HAVE been having a hard, hard time lately! And for her to know that, and to be faithfully praying (when she is dealing with SO much of her own life stuff as is) and to be bold enough to speak encouragement into my life meant SO MUCH to me. And was just another example of God being present in this season of my life where I don't necessarily feel Him.

I hope if you're reading this, you don't think I am just complaining, and missing all of the blessings in my life I have. That is not the case at all. I am SO SO thankful and know how blessed I am. But imagine if you won a million dollars, and the place you won it from says that you can not have it immediately but that they would let you know when. Imagine everyday the growing anticipation, the anxiety, the plans you try to make (but refrain because in your mind it might still never happen), the waiting, the frustration when you know you're a millionaire but maybe can't pay a few bills or something because you are still waiting to get paid....that is how I have felt lately. I know I have a huge calling. I have committed to surrendering my life up to God and His calling for me. Now, it is a waiting game. Sure, I was without a doubt called to be a wife and mother, but imagine the frustration in not even finding a decent guy to take me on one date. Sure, I feel pulled toward children's/youth ministry, but imagine the confusion in wondering how one might even get to that place. Sure, I am passionate about missions/traveling/helping/loving on orphans/etc....but every path I take where it seems like I am headed that direction, a door gets slammed in my face-so imagine that frustration. In BEGGING God to send me, use me, show me, ANYTHING....and then feeling like I am just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs.

**Now, I know I am making an impact on the people that I am around everyday. And that is such a blessing, I know that. But don't you just ever feel in the depth of your soul that there is MORE out there??

Anyway....I do not know my next step-so I debate daily on taking a step at all, or just waiting in this moment for God to show up and rescue me. The other part of me wants to forge ahead and continue having doors slam in my face until I find one that opens up. Either way, after this week, and this revealing God has done to me in big ways in my life, I feel hopeful that even if I am in this place/season for 20more years, I will end up in that palace like Joseph and will ultimately fulfill the destiny I was created for.

(In the meantime, many prayers are appreciated) :)

In Him,

Meg