Whoa.
It isn't?
Not about me...at...all??
I mean, sure, I tell myself it isn't about me. But was I acting that way? Nope. And if it's not about me then who is it about? DING DING DING. You guessed it. God.
So as a single woman in my mid-20's who also feels called to be a wife and a mother, I have sort of been obsessing about that for the past year. Not dating anyone, because Lord knows THAT would be too easy. But studying and observing and praying about being a wife and mom. To the point that (also because I am a teacher) I have spent countless hours pouring over blogs written by mothers who home school. I have spent a large sum of money on children's books I come across, or workbooks that teach kiddos how to read and write. I have taken notes after every child I have babysat, and every mother I have had the blessing to encounter. My life has been eating, sleeping, and breathing learning how to do this thing you all call motherhood. Which, don't get me wrong, I don't think is SUCH a bad thing. However, when I woke up on Monday and realized that this thing called life isn't about ME, I realized that I became arrogant in that if God told me I was to do it, and I studied hard enough, that it would magically happen. I felt...entitled.
Entitled. It's a GREAT word that often sums up how we as humans feel. If not particularly about something specific then just in general in this life. We feel ENTITLED. Entitled to get the best parking spot, to get through the Starbucks line fastest, to get the lowest price on the item we swore was on sale, to have the best vehicle, to have the biggest house, to have the trendiest clothing, and the list goes on and on. SO on and on in fact that we often act like our breathing is a blessing to those around us. It is this American-dream mentality that David Platt talks about in his book, "Radical", where we work so hard to exalt ourselves and how wonderful WE are when in reality, we are created to exalt the almighty Creator of our very existence.
Something shifted in my Spirit over Sunday night and waking up on Monday morning. I suddenly realized that this is NOT about me. My hopes. My dreams. My desires. I've been living life thinking hey, my dreams line up with God's will for me so it's "ok" to feel entitled in making them come true. The mentality behind that statement is wrong in so many ways. First of all it's selfish. It's the American mentality of instant gratification. Hard work equals all our dreams coming through via our own power. Secondly, scripture tells us in Ephesians 3:20 "all glory to God who is able through his mighty power at work within us to accomplish infinitely more than we might as or think." This tells me, that whatever my hopes and dreams for my own life are, that Papa is going to blow those out of the water with what HE actually has in store for me. A thirdly, in order for the secondly statement to happen it means SURRENDER. Surrendering our LIVES to God. Not just attending church, not just reading in the Word, but DAILY dying to ourselves so that Christ may live in us and work on Earth bringing glory to the Father's name.
What I have discovered this week, is to make this possible there must be obedience. Obedience and Surrender go hand in hand. You've heard the scripture in Matthew 6:24 (and again throughout the rest of the Gospels) that you can not serve two Masters. You will hate one and love the other, be devoted to one and despise the other. If you have ever watched Animal Planet you have heard dog trainers say this before. A dog's bad behavior is sometimes the cause of confusion, in who they are supposed to be obeying. Even if a couple jointly owns the dog, there can only be ONE Master. One person the dog listens to, obeys, is disciplined by, etc. The same goes for our relationship with God. You cannot serve God and turn around and bow down to Facebook. You cannot serve God then bow down to your growing wardrobe. And you certainly can't claim to serve God then live your life in a way that only exalts yourself and your own "power". This selfish mentality is where we go wrong in this life. It affects our marriages, our friendships, our productivity at work, our relationships with our children/parents; it poisons all that we touch--especially, our desperate need for a Savior. Why have one if we are all out there "saving ourselves."
The truth is we THINK we can do it on our own. But we can't.
I have no clue where my life is headed. In the least. But I DO know, that this week I have had one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. Serving, being in the Word, intimately seeking God every single day, spreading His love and joy to those I encounter...the Holy Spirit inside of me is transforming my thoughts from thoughts about me and what I want, to thoughts of what God desires for my life so that HIS name be glorified on Earth in all I do.
Being a performer, and teaching other's to perform, it is too easy to get wrapped up in taking compliments and good reviews and turning them into glory that I am actually doing something great. The fact is, I am NOTHING, without my God. I long for every breath I take to truly point towards my amazing, holy, powerful, merciful, loving, jealous, MIGHTY Father and His work in my life. Where I know we must relinquish our control to the Holy Spirit to truly be transformed, I also believe that there are small steps we can take in our lives to focus each day or in each situation that this is NOT about US.
I am going to blog about some of these wild ideas I have later this week. But I hope I am leaving you with some hope or encouragement. Sure, it sounds a little defeating, that wah wah we don't get what we want. But the beauty comes in knowing that we have no control. And where it CAN be a scary thought, it can also be a refreshing one. That the Creator of this universe has a plan for us already, and if we just surrender to His will, we will be taken care of.
In Him,
Meg
