I do not consistently feel any of these. But frequently, things happen in my life, where I remember the scar/wound of one of the words you see above and am reminded of how it got there. Now, I am not going to give you my big sob story-those of you who actually read this already know it. But knowing past the details, and into the pain, might help understand why these words above still ring loud into my heart today. My "checklist testimony" starts off with me saying, product of parents who partied and fought violently (check), adulterous parents (check), mother left (check), and the list seriously goes on and on. But the checklist isn't the important part....the messages behind the situations we deal with are what's important I think. So it's being the little kid who wondered why the other kids had moms who baked them cookies to bring to sleepovers. It's wondering why it hurt to the depths of my soul when a friend's parent forgot to pick me up one morning for a cheerleading competition. Why stray animals shatter my little heart like you wouldn't believe. Those things revolve around a message that I carry. The message in the words above.
This weekend, I have been reminded of that message in several different capacities. Normally I blame it on Satan. But it could SO very well be God bringing these things to the surface of my heart to heal them. (And maybe He will have to continue to do it for the rest of my life, I'm not sure.) I left a Super Bowl party tonight with some amazing "family", and the feeling I felt when I left was lost. Not yet hopeless, but lost nonetheless. Do you ever pray and pray and pray and wish and think and hope that God will just show you the next step you are supposed to take for your life, then you think the plan is sent to you and it turns out not being the step at all? I take these moments in my life particularly hard. I am in reckless abandon to God's will for me. Surrendering all that I am. My hopes, my dreams, my life-simply begging Him what He wants me to do. And I just don't know. I don't know and I don't get it. People NAG me all the time about "oh you're so young stop worrying about it" but this goes far beyond my desire for a husband and a family one day, and is literally stripped down to begging God to USE me.
Yes, I know He is using me where I am now in my life. But what was I designed for? Why did you create me? How do I impact people in a huge way? I seek and desire to be one of many forces I know He has designed to change this world and I feel like all I really do is run around chasing my own tail in circles. Do you ever feel that way? Like there has GOT to be something more out there that you were meant to do and you're not doing it? I feel that way at least every other day and I don't know why!
The title of this blog is "Somewhere I Belong"....I don't know where that somewhere is. Maybe we are never really supposed to "belong" somewhere. Maybe it brings too much comfort and complacency. I am quite happy not belonging somewhere, if God would just show me that whatever I am doing is worth it and making a difference. I don't care to be uncomfortable for Him, live in a box, climb a mountain, ANYTHING---but what am I supposed to do? I don' know....
Sometimes it feels like people forget that I am an individual person, especially surrounded by a group of middle aged married couples (which is where my heart is and where I feel most comfortable, yet not gonna lie, not fun for single young Meg sometimes). This weekend on a few different occasions with a few different people- I was grouped together and "lost in the crowd". And never got the invite or never heard the plan from people who were expected to tell me. Nobody's fault, yet hurtful to me. Because I am a person. And it goes back to these scars...I cried on the way home thinking, don't I deserve a text too telling me what's going on for lunch or inviting me over for the game? Aren't I important enough to be added, just one more name, to that mass texting list? Are we not good friends enough that you would invite me out to dinner too? Why is so and so expected to give me the news when I am a real live human being over here on this side of the world too that you could just as easily reach out to? I promise I am not trying to be a cry baby, but these things HURT scarred little girls like me. Ya know?
And I am certainly not trying to be oh Woe is me, what a hard little life I've had, boooo hooo. That's not me right now in this moment at all. What I am feeling though, is real. And it's simply that on top of feeling so LOST in my life right now, I also feel, ALONE. Not lonely. But ALONE. Invisible sometimes. Regardless if I am in the middle of a crowded room making people laugh, shopping with my very best friend, or eating dinner at home with my beloved family, the little girl inside who was better off invisible her whole life is still deep inside. The little girl who was left behind, who was forgotten, who was unwanted, who nobody made time for, who was often in the way, who didn't quite fit in, and still doesn't feel like she has many places where she belongs....that sad little girl is still inside of me. I hope this revelation this weekend is God's way of bringing this to the surface of my heart once more to heal me. Patch me up again, and send me on my way.
Learning to trust, learning to breathe, and learning to let the Light shine.....
In Him,
Meg
