The actual lesson was something that hit home in a close way in my life. But to understand the neat way God has revealed Himself to me lately you first have to understand the season I have been in recently.
The past few months I have been very, very sad. Nothing has happened to cause this per say (some hardships here and there and some situations that have shaken my stability some, but nothing traumatic or anything harder then the things in my life I have already dealt with). So first and foremost, there is a growing sadness I can not pinpoint. Normally when this happens, it is in the midst of a transition season. My spirit feels sad or anxiety, often from growing pains, or the friction of staying in a place when spiritually I am called to progress. So this time, I chalked it up to just another one of those learning and growing seasons that would soon be over. Imagine my surprise when a month later it is still here, and worse. I took a vacation across country. I changed my prayer life. Immersed myself in the word. Continued to surround myself with my church family and mentors who might could help. And it wouldn't lift.
Now, I know there are mind over matter people in this world who think that a little positive energy can solve anything. I am a HUGE fan of positive energy, don't get me wrong. But throwing philosophy at an issue takes away the compassion of the problem. And isn't throwing a positive demeanor at a hard hitting issue the same as throwing the Bible at non-Christians expecting them to get out of their own rut? I don't think it works that way. With no suffering, how in the world can you ever expect to be like Jesus? We learn in those moments of hard hitting crap and to dismiss it with a philosophy of this, that, or the other, takes away the things in that moment that God is trying to teach you. (Sorry, rant of the day)
So I could not figure out why I was still feeling this way. When I am presented with spiritual warfare (whether it be mine or near me or what have you) I feel it in this very similar way. My chest tightens, I feel silenced, I am anxious and antsy like I can't wait to 'move', etc...so I knew that's what this was, but I could not figure out exactly why or what was going on, or how to be rid of it. Sometimes under that much attack you feel you don't even have the strength to pray out loud. I was not only feeling this battle in my own life but I am very hypersensitive and can feel it when it is around others. Where I work, where I live, people I am around--and it is about the most draining, miserable feeling ever! So everyday deeper and deeper into a slump I fell.
I was house sitting over Thanksgiving and took that as a much needed opportunity to be alone, to reflect, to meditate on my life, to talk to Jesus, and to just BE STILL. Where it made me feel better in the moment, I still felt myself struggling-striving-seeking-wandering. Confused about every next step I make....why am I still here? Where do I go next? Why am I not moving out of this place? When am I going to progress to where I was created to go?
During this time of house sitting I spoke to many mentors of mine, great friends who speak truth and encouragement into my life. On one night I got a word of advice. It involved the story of Joseph. I was reminded how Joseph got a dream/vision/calling, and then got thrown into a pit. After that he ended up in a prison. And then much later in his life he made his way to a palace, and fulfilled his calling and true destiny. This happens to many people in the Word. A calling/vision/dream/etc.....a season of wandering/seeking/striving/confusion/etc.....and then the fulfillment of our destinies/calling (if we hold tight to Truth while we are on the journey in between). It was my first glimmer of hope I had had in months. People who have had visions of my life or who have prophesied over me all tell me "You have a huge calling on your life!" Yea? Hmm...well, ok so a million other people know it but I guess there has got to be a reason that I don't yet right? But I felt hope anyway, because I know the God of Joseph is the SAME God that of TODAY, whom I intimately love and passionately serve! I know He will do a great work in me and with me for His kingdom, and will do it in HIS perfect timing!
After this glimmer of hope I had intended on blogging about my new hope. I went to my Jesus Storybook Bible (the most BEAUTIFUL story ever written) and was going to post the story of Joseph as it appears there and then write about my experience. Well, talking more in depth about it later, I was told of something else that gave me a glimmer of hope. It is the song "Blessings" by Laura Story.
This song is basically about those moments in life where you feel God is hidden, or your heart is aching, or something has happened to you and your struggling to keep your head above water. Or maybe nothing has happened to you at all but you wonder where God is in the moments where you feel so alone, or so sad, or upset, or (fill in the blank). I listened to that song over and over that night, catching things about it I had taken for granted while listening to it on the radio so many times before.
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
So here is where the really cool stuff starts happening. I studied Joseph through the end of the week. I listened to the song all Saturday night. Sunday, of course, was church. I am not going to lie--it has been a long time since I have been MOVED in a lesson at my church. Holy Spirit stirring in the depths of my soul feel Jesus right beside me kind of MOVED. Well, I was MOVED that day. God used my preacher in a BIG way for me (and I know for SO many others that day too). He stands up to start and immediately has us turn in our Bibles to Genesis 37--the story of Joseph. He begins to preach about the times in life we do not feel God near, and how He is working behind the scenes even when we think He is hidden! He mentioned this same journey for Joseph. (At this moment I am in awe! I can not believe that this is happening! How cool!
When I think he is ending the lesson, he surprises us by telling us there is a song that reminds him of this time in our lives, this questioning of our purpose and calling, and our need to feel God in all that is going on-especially the hard stuff. And the song BLESSINGS, by Laura Story, starts playing. At this point I have chill bumps all over, I feel Jesus sitting right beside me holding my hand and whispering "See Meg, I AM still here. I promised you I would never leave you and I won't. Just trust me. I AM in your life-including all that you do not see, or hear, or feel."
I left the service PUMPED, hopeful, energetic, and just AMAZED at God's GOODNESS! Through the next couple of days I continued to try and hang on to that feeling and memory, when I felt my frustration of the unknown creeping up again. On Tuesday of that same week, God popped in again....
I pulled up to Hastings randomly to wait on a friend I was meeting for coffee. I saw a what appeared to be homeless man sitting on the bench outside. I sat in my car a second, wondering what I should do. Well what would so and so do, or how could I make this a not awkward situation for all involved sort of deal? (I do not encounter many homeless folks in my city so it is not something I am familiar doing). So I said hello and went inside, and shopped for a few Christmas presents. I told myself if he was out there when I went back out that I would talk to him. And, of course, he WAS! So I put my stuff in my car and sat down beside him. We struck up convo instantly-not awkward at ALL! We talked about how he earns money (picking up scrap metal in the streets and such). We started talking about school, and it ends up that he graduated from my alma mater which I found super cool! Hmm, what are the odds.... He tells me I look familiar and I tell him my name, and he asked me if I knew a Bill Cremeens. "Yes, that is my grandfather!" ((Then it hit me, oh well all of my dad's family went to Westside I bet he knows some of them)) He says "Bill was my teacher. I knew of the boys, but Steve was the one I had hung around with" THIS RANDOM HOMELESS MAN KNEW MY DAD!! That may not seem like a big deal to you, but my father died 2 years ago in a car accident. And after desperate prayer for months for God to show me not even where He is at work in my life but just that He is here in general, He manages to sit me in front of a homeless man I almost would not talk to and the man ends up being childhood friends with my deceased father. I am sorry but HALLELUJAH our God is so COOL!!!
We ended up going inside and I got him some coffee, and I regret not getting any information of how to contact him again. But I am certain God will put us on the same path again one day.
(Ok last one) A few days after that I ran into a friend of mine, Natalie, at the Christmas Parade downtown. She recently had a baby so it has been a while since I had seen her. With little conversation she looks me in the eye and says "I read a blog recently I feel compelled to share with you. You've been on my heart, I feel like you've been having a hard time lately." I HAVE been having a hard, hard time lately! And for her to know that, and to be faithfully praying (when she is dealing with SO much of her own life stuff as is) and to be bold enough to speak encouragement into my life meant SO MUCH to me. And was just another example of God being present in this season of my life where I don't necessarily feel Him.
I hope if you're reading this, you don't think I am just complaining, and missing all of the blessings in my life I have. That is not the case at all. I am SO SO thankful and know how blessed I am. But imagine if you won a million dollars, and the place you won it from says that you can not have it immediately but that they would let you know when. Imagine everyday the growing anticipation, the anxiety, the plans you try to make (but refrain because in your mind it might still never happen), the waiting, the frustration when you know you're a millionaire but maybe can't pay a few bills or something because you are still waiting to get paid....that is how I have felt lately. I know I have a huge calling. I have committed to surrendering my life up to God and His calling for me. Now, it is a waiting game. Sure, I was without a doubt called to be a wife and mother, but imagine the frustration in not even finding a decent guy to take me on one date. Sure, I feel pulled toward children's/youth ministry, but imagine the confusion in wondering how one might even get to that place. Sure, I am passionate about missions/traveling/helping/loving on orphans/etc....but every path I take where it seems like I am headed that direction, a door gets slammed in my face-so imagine that frustration. In BEGGING God to send me, use me, show me, ANYTHING....and then feeling like I am just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs.
**Now, I know I am making an impact on the people that I am around everyday. And that is such a blessing, I know that. But don't you just ever feel in the depth of your soul that there is MORE out there??
Anyway....I do not know my next step-so I debate daily on taking a step at all, or just waiting in this moment for God to show up and rescue me. The other part of me wants to forge ahead and continue having doors slam in my face until I find one that opens up. Either way, after this week, and this revealing God has done to me in big ways in my life, I feel hopeful that even if I am in this place/season for 20more years, I will end up in that palace like Joseph and will ultimately fulfill the destiny I was created for.
(In the meantime, many prayers are appreciated) :)
In Him,
Meg
