But what about the other people? The "floaters" as I often call myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just floating. Not that I am not living out the will of the Lord because I know most certainly that I am. There is still that question though of 'what's next? where do I go? what do I do? who am I supposed to be?' God is dealing with me right now on this issue of understanding my role and place, my character if you will, by using (yet again and annoyingly enough) the musical I am in right now.
If you have been following my journey at all the past several weeks you know the Lord has been using this show consistently to refine me and to heal some issues going on in the depths of my heart. This is a very exciting time for me, because I KNOW it's because he is preparing me for what's next in my life. I will not lie though--it pretty much sucks :) I have been working my TAIL off vocally--working with vocal coaches, practicing non-stop in my car and my room and wherever I can get away with singing. I've been in constant prayer doing battle in the spiritual against the darkness that tries to convince me I am not worthy or the things of that realm that try to strangle my confidence. Oh the BLESSINGS that came out of that situation--
People came out of the woodwork to help me and love on me and support me and encourage me. I don't feel much more confident about my voice but I am training it to be doing all of the right things and it's going to get better, I do have confidence about that. And when you're loved for who you are and not because of what you do then things like that stop mattering like they used to. That's how God loves us and that's one of the things he wanted me to take away from that situation.
The new struggle in front of me is my character. I left another rehearsal last night so defeated because I have absolutely no idea what is expected of me. And sometimes it feels like people think I should know, and I don't. So the questions in my head were first and foremost "who am I?". If I know her (Katherine McGowan) then her words, her movements, her everything make much more sense because there is a reason for them all. It's like this in life a lot isn't it? Understanding the little things because we know the bigger picture? But when we don't see the bigger picture then it's hard to understand or relate the little things.
I started toying with this idea of knowing my character, and how the director is having to refine me to portray this role. Have you ever gotten a new job and where you might have all of the credentials or qualifications for that job, you still feel completely inadequate? You question why you were hired, or if you will even be able to do all that is asked of you? You fear having to learn new things because you don't know them already-and constantly you wonder if your new boss is wondering why he ever hired you? That's basically how I feel a lot during this process.
**(This might seem far-fetched but in my own brain it works so just go with me.) The Lord is communicating with us every nano-second of everyday, always telling us something. I believe that is true. However, we rarely receive EVERY message He sends because we are not in tune with Him throughout the day. Things distract us from our communication with Him. And, there are things we simply miss. One of the ways He has chosen to deliver His messages to me, is through this show. I believe that. Because BOY am I getting about a million messages a day from Him all relating to this musical. It's interesting too how He has chosen to communicate with me, in terms of relating the story of theater to the story He has with us, His children. Let's just say directors are God. There is a vision. There is a plan. And it all lies in the head and hands of the director.
Now to understand why these little minute details matter is to only understand that they do. This is going to be a lesson I deal with for the next couple of weeks I have the feeling so as God reveals more to me, I will share it. And I am only sharing it, because I know that I am not alone in this struggle right now. I am walking away knowing I must learn my character (not just Katherine McGowan, but ME too--and the way to do that is to continue learning the character of the Lord and who HE says I am). If I know my character and what's expected of me I will then start to understand a little better the bigger picture. And where NONE of us can really see that bigger picture (until the DVD comes out or simply until it's all said and done), we will continue to trust the creator of it all. There is one thing I know and it's that we are in good hands!
In Him,
Meg
