Perspective.

The state of one's ideas. The facts known to one.

I have been thinking recently about this idea of one's perspective. It has been on my mind for a few weeks, and was hit with a quite humorous example tonight while eating with some friends. I was at a downtown restaurant called Godsy's, eating with some members of the Titanic cast and our director and assistant director (whom I had run into earlier in the afternoon at the theater while turning in my scripts).

We had already ordered and just a few minutes later a waiter (who was not ours) brought our table an appetizer. He held it out for what seemed like minutes, with all of us sort of giving him the blank stare, until finally Wendeth (our A.D.)  piped up and said "Um, that's not ours?" He apologized and left with the dish. We then all looked at each other and started laughing so hard! Kristi said 'I thought I wasn't paying attention when someone ordered earlier' and I said 'I just thought they were giving it to us for free!'. Wendeth preceded to point out how you can tell the perspectives in life we must all own that make us think 3 completely different things about the very same exact situation.

Kristi (our director) is a very busy woman and has admitted to me before that when she talks to people, quite frequently her mind is wondering to the 10 other places she should be instead, where other people are waiting on her for something as well. So her perspective in the situation with the appetizer was to assume that she had simply not been paying attention to what was going on because her mind was elsewhere.

My perspective differed from that one in that I assumed someone was giving us free food. First of all, I am ALWAYS somewhere wishing that someone would give me free food. So this was not a far stretch. Secondly, I knew our waitress very well and thought she might be treating us to a free dish. And third of all, my brain is always trying to find the good in people and the situations that I am in. This is the only way I keep form sinking into pits of depression seeing so much sadness and evil in the world. I like to see the positive, the light, and where God is moving in situations. So I sat at that table ready to praise me some Jesus for free food whether it came from the bus boy or dropped down from Heaven itself!

Wendeth is more of a realist. I don't know her extremely well but I know she is intelligent and calls it like she sees it. I have not typically known her to hold back her opinion on a matter or to come at an issue with unrealistic goals for the ending product. So when the food was revealed to the table out of nowhere, she not only was the first and only person to chime in and claim the truth in that it was not ours, but she also probably processed the logistics in her head before she did so--knowing that she heard everyone order and nobody ordered that dish, that people in reality don't typically send over free food to tables (that only happens in movies), and that by the look on our clueless faces none of us were going to say anything.

It's funny how our personalities, our experiences, and our situations shape our perspectives or 'what we see and know to be true'. If you sat a group of 20 kindergartners in a room and spread them out into a big circle, then dropped a 500 plus pound elephant in the room and told them to draw what they saw, there would be many pictures of elephants....but none would (or should) look the same. The kid at the head of the elephant would really only see the head and not much more past that. The kid at the butt would never see the elephant's head, sadly his picture would be a couple of big elephant buttcheeks! How might we change the outcome of the drawing? Well....we could place a smaller elephant in the middle of the room. But if the elephant represents our problems then most often those are not things we can control by making bigger or smaller (at least not willingly). So, to get a more accurate drawing of the elephant we have to back the children up, significantly far away from it so that they can gain a different perspective. The kid who only saw the trunk might now also see the ears and the eyes and front two legs, maybe even some belly hanging on the sides. The kid at the butt would see the back and tail and back legs and maybe sides or even back of the ears or head.

Some perspectives are harder to change. Sometimes it isn't as easy as backing up from the elephant. Sometimes it requires changing our mentality. And our mentality is most often shaped by our experiences in our past and how we respond to those experiences.

I used to be a very very angry person. I had no idea I was like this, but I was. At the core of my being was anger. I would lash out at those I loved, I was disrespectful and very mean. This issue seemed to get worse with time, but I had no one in my life calling me out and telling me I was like this. Then I met a guy who really dissected this behavior.He invested in me and my past experiences to understand what was going on beneath the surface. He knew that my actions were not only detrimental to those around me but to myself as well. So in moments where I was disrespectful to him, or would completely lash out during a disagreement he would call me out. Of course, being called out by those we love the absolute most in this world is NOT fun at ALL! But when I felt the anger and the darkness start lifting off of me and on it's way out of my life, I was so relieved to discover that we can indeed change our behavior. By being just as repetitive in undoing them as we are to develop them, our worst habits can indeed change. I am so thankful for this guy pointing out in me the things I was too angry to see. (And I am sure that all of the relationships in my life since him also thank him too! Ya'll--I am talking HORRIBLY MEAN AND ANGRY PERSON! If you are anyone but my friend Shane or my sister you might not believe I was this way once, but I assure you-before Jesus, I was all kinds of cray cray! haha)

So the Lord has shown me today that perspective matters. He is connecting the dots for me in understanding that perspective can change---with the Holy Spirit. I can't pretend to own a perspective I simply do not have. But the Holy Spirit makes me compassionate for those that I don't understand and advises me to continuously be a person who hopefully is only impacting the people I encounter in positive ways. I want nothing more than to be a builder of people and not someone who breaks others. And God really hit me over the head today with making sure that I am intentional about ALWAYS making sure that what I say and do is building, not breaking. Because we don't always know the perspectives that others share. BUT-the perspective that DOES matter, is truth. And that comes only from the Lord.

I seek and hope to continue to get to know Him on a more intimate level so that I can stand firm in the truths that belong to me because of Him. Only then do our perspectives change to look a lot less like what we see and more like what He wants us to see.

In Him,
Meg

BRAVE

Well, tonight was the night. I FINALLY got to see the movie I have been waiting for! BRAVE!! This movie touched my heart in unexpected ways. The previews do not lead you to believe anything more than a young girl fighting to find her place in this world. And yes, it is about that....but also presented so many more messages. **If you have not seen the movie there are things in this blog that pertain to the movie, but no spoilers as to what happens! Feel free to read on.

On the way home, I was going over in my mind how much I loved the movie. My friend Clay told me (and Pip) afterward, "Hey, she reminded me of the two of you!" And she did! She is free spirited and a dreamer and life-loving! However, on the way home, I thought about the ways that I am not like this new Disney heroine. I am not Brave.

In the movie, there are these things called Wisps (not to be confused with the portable toothbrush/toothpick combo). These Wisps are magical entities that direct those who see them to their fate. On the way home, the Lord showed me how Wisps are like the Holy Spirit--guiding us and directing us to our fate, to the things we were designed to do in this world. Just like Merida! So why could Merida see them? Because she believed in them. And when she believed, they showed up and guided her to where she needed to go. And when those around her who did not believe before but started to later, they also showed up for them as well.

Isn't this like the Holy Spirit? When we are in tune with the Spirit and seeking God's face, really listening to what He is trying to communicate with us-we find at ease our next move and the things He might be doing behind the scenes in our lives. It is when we stop looking for Him, listening to Him, and waiting for Him that we stop seeing our Wisps. And without them, how will we ever be directed to our destiny? To our calling?

When I think about destiny, and fate, and calling-as it pertains not only to Merida in Brave but also to Meagan in real life, I can't help but relate them both to my character in Titanic the Musical, Katherine McGowan. She is a third class passenger who boarded with hopes and dreams of finding a better life in America.

As a dreamer, I am much like my character in this way, but unlike Katherine McGowan (and Merida) I have not done many brave or courageous things to follow my destiny where it may lead. And in my case, maybe lack of bravery simply presents itself in the form of not seeking the Lord constantly so that I might know what He is doing in my life and the things He is trying to tell me and show me, and my fate that He is trying to lead me to.

There is a song we sing in the musical called Lady's Maid. It is Katherine McGowan leading the third class in dreaming up their new lives in America and all of the things they never thought could be true for themselves. This song is so powerful! We are playing REAL characters, who really were on the Titanic, who REALLY were travelling to America to follow their dreams. For some of them, it was their very last hope for their lives! And for many, that dream killed them. But they were BRAVE--and they were following their dream, their destiny. Now, because of documentaries, and books, and musicals, and so much more---their stories will forever be remembered.

I have found a new sense of pride in my character and the words that she sings....'where my dreamin' and my hopin' and my schemin' and my prayin' and my wishin' to be happy will come true'. I also have a new found sense of stirring within the depths of my heart that is LONGING for adventure (something I feel very strongly that we were created for). I long for risk and a journey of potential danger--because wow, what a way to rely only on the Lord when put in a situation where He is your only hope! I long for love, and a mission, and a chance to be......BRAVE!!!!

In Him,
Meg

Happy Father's Day

Father God,

Holy is Your name. Lord, I want to thank You for Your constant protection. For Your love. For Your faithfulness. And so much more.

Blessed be the name of the Lord--in good times, and bad. You are always there.

Lord. I want to ask you to surround those who have lost their earthly fathers on this Father's holiday tomorrow. You are the ultimate Father and wow, how blessed we are that You have chosen us and that we are able to hear Your voice. There is still sadness, though, in missing those who are no longer with us.

There are many in my life right now, who are celebrating this day without a dad, too. And where it is not a fun club to be a part of, it is nice to not be alone.

Father, please be a powerful presence in the lives of my friends tomorrow--and those I don't even know, who have lost a father or maybe never even had one. Show them how much YOU love them. I pray they have a big encounter with the Holy Spirit tomorrow, Lord. 

I ask all of these things in Your Son's Holy name.

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for Jesus.

Happy Father's Day :)

AMEN

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling. PSALM 68:5

Godspeed, Titanic.

I have not blogged in a while it seems. I have been teaching summer camps all day and doing Titanic rehearsal all night so my computer and I have had very little interaction. Last night it hit me that this experience is almost over--and if you have followed my blog throughout this tiny section of my life, you might be wondering how I am feeling about the fast approaching end to this challenging show. I am utterly heart broken. Although truly challenging and at times in the beginning, seemed to be too much to take, it is by far the most amazing show I have ever been a part of. Every rehearsal, every conversation, every ride in my car listening to the soundtrack, every activity with cast members outside the walls of the theater--- is all, MAGICAL.

It started to hit me just a few days ago that we are telling the story of real people, of a real event, and a moment in history that will never be forgotten. I have spent as much time as possible researching passengers aboard the Titanic, learning what life was like for them on the ship, and on that dreadful night when everything they ever knew was forever changed. Upon learning more and appreciating this story even more than I already do, I was inspired by the real people I am surrounded by every single day. The ones walking alongside me being used by God to tell the narratives of the people on the Largest Moving Object in the World.

Pip--Pip stole my heart from the first day I met her at callbacks. She bluntly turned around and asked me what my story was. After further creeping on facebook our next conversation was my asking her if she loves African children (in which she most certainly does)--and our fate as friends was sealed. We have the same brain, and can be completely awkward in front of one another which is a blessing when you are as odd as the two of us. She loves the Lord and it pours out of her with every conversation she has with anyone in the cast.

Caitlyn--She is the final "Kate" in the Kate Trio, and it could NOT have been a trio without her. Her humor and perspective on life are beyond hysterical and refreshing at the same time. She also shares the same odd brain as Pip and myself, so instantly we bonded and wow, what a BLESSING from the LORD!!

Reid--Reid is phenomenal, and he doesn't even know it. He is the kindest human you might ever meet, and always ready and willing to help. He helped us (the Kate's) with our Irish accents from day one and instantly we adopted him into our precious new friendship. This show would not be on the level it's on if her were not a part of this cast. Seriously love me some Reid!

Russ--Praise the Lord for Russ and all that he has done for this show. He has been active in every small detail of getting this show up and going--from casting to set to a sinking ship to helping with accents to stepping into roles and so much more.

Meridith--the wittiest person EVER. the biggest heart EVER. And ALWAYS an absolute JOY to be around. We would all be stressed and moody without her around :)

Will--what I love about Will is he never holds back. Even if he messes up, or knows there's a possibility that he might, Will still goes ALL out, ALWAYS. And it's so admirable looking to him as an example for confidence and joy in the experience.

Phillians--our lovable grizzly bear with a voice like BUTTAH!! We love him SO much and WOW what a wonderful first experience I am having with this guy! Always ready to help and get things done, as well as being just wonderful in his role as a helpless romantic!

Shane--One of my favorite parts of the whole show is getting to stand beside Shane at the very end and listen to him singing "Sail on, Sail On." Melts. My. Heart.

Gary--BLESS HIS HEART!! During the process of this show he has adopted a brand new baby girl and so sadly his mother passed away yesterday I believe. Yet he has been hanging in there, and there would have been absolutely NO ONE better as Mr. Ismay.

Clay--My precious little Clay. Being in another show with him is a BLAST. He is more talented then he might ever know. I can not wait to see what the Lord has in store for this precious bundle of talent!

Matt Norman--amazing in all of the 25 roles he is cast in for this show haha. So glad to finally be in a show with this sweetie pie too. He's my boy! And i love him so much!!

Colten--Always a pleasure being in a show with him. He's got the vocal talent of a 40 year old man, so I am pumped to see how the Lord will use him!

Kane--the perfect voice and the perfect guy for his role as Etches. Literally, watching his flawless performances is so encouraging! Not to mention he is a total sweetheart!

Lance and Becca--No better couple to play the Strausses. Their performance of "Still" will have people crying their eyes out. Two of the most beautiful voices on the ship!

Lorenzo-The funniest human EVER. I seriously don't know how I went 25 years of my life without knowing him!! He is NEVER late to punch a joke, announce a clever moment, or simply just make everyone around him laugh. Love. This. Man!

Maranda and Brandon--SO funny to watch on stage!! You will be rolling in your seat! Love getting to be in a show with you guys.

John Mixon--This man is a HUGE blessing and answered prayer. He stepped in to be my leading man after 2 in that same role quit and left us in a huge bind. Not only did he step in and add a beautiful voice to this wonderful cast of beautiful voices, but he is the PERFECT leading man. He encourages me to be better every time we are on stage.

Anna--Always a BLAST being in a show with my best friend. As if we don't get enough of each other, we absolutely must add acting to our BFF resume! I wouldn't want to share the stage with anyone else my love.

Carly--LOVE our girly chats about boys and such! Seriously so excited to get to know you more!! :)

There are a million people I am forgetting (it's such a huge cast!) but every single person I have had contact with has truly been a blessing in my life! Amy and our photography chats, Cynthia and her constant encouragement, Savannah and her contagious joy!! My sweet Elea Bear, who is the most amazing 15 year old kid I have ever met in my life (are you 15? haha maybe she's 14) regardless--she is a leader, with the biggest heart you'll ever find, and the kind of love for the Lord that is the sort of thing that brings Satan to his knees. Mrs Ruby, Lauria, Abby, Christina, and Mallorie--you guys, it is such a JOY seeing you grow in your passion and welcoming you guys to the FOA family! Andrew--you are SO SO SO great, and I look forward to ever conversation with you to see what will come out of your mouth! Emily and Christie and some of my other FOA girls--ALWAYS a pleasure being part of a wonderful experience with you all! Kasey--I seriously can't WAIT to get to know you more! All of the kiddos--you guys, you are representing REAL children....some who lived and some who unfortunately never made it off of the sinking ship. You are making history in Jonesboro and representing history in a story that will stand the test of time. I am so proud of ALL of you for the hard work you have put in! We could not do this without you. To Cory, our new Caroline replacement, we are SO blessed to have your angelic voice and amazing talent. Praise the LORD you have joined our cast! (Anna G--we are still praying for your recovery and are so sad you can no longer be with us) (If I forgot you then call me out---and I will EDIT and get you in here :) Because I mean it, you are all amazing!!)

We have amazing costumers and tech and tons of other people who have been working for months to make this happen. (Wendeth, Jonathan, Navie, Elizabeth, and so many more!!)

And of course....our director. She has been given an immaculate vision for this story, and she has been fighting long and hard battles to be a force that makes this thing happen--giving ALL glory to God, and humbling herself throughout the entire experience to ensure that this is truly in God's hands. And boy, is it.

After injuries, and people quitting, and the loss of cast member's family, we have little doubt that there is a force in the unseen world that does NOT want this show to continue. But by the power and protection of the Lord Almighty....it IS going to continue. And will be a show you will never ever forget.

Ok, it is late, and I am sweaty and stinky (oh yea, the AC in the theater went out today heehee) so it's bath and nap time. SO BLESSED and LOVING life.

In Him,
Meg

Desperate for the Word

I just finished watching the movie, The Book of Eli with Denzel Washington. This movie has been one of my favorites for many years, although it wasn't until tonight that the Lord imparted some amazing lessons from the movie into my life.

We live in an age where 'Christians' believe they can live out their faith without ever opening the Word of God. I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to not being in the Word like I should be. But more than should be, I want to WANT to be in the Word always. I want to be so hungry and so desperate for the Word of God that days don't pass without ever opening my Bible, but instead minutes pass and I can't wait to open it again.

The movie, The Book of Eli, is set in a post-war world where the Bible was believed to hold such power that those who wanted it for evil and those who sought to protect it were risking their lives to have it, know it, and learn it. They were all desperate for the Word in some sense or another. Eli was sent on a mission from the Lord to get the last remaining copy of the Bible across the country where it would be safe, and reprinted to help start the new civilization. His life consisted of nothing but faith and total surrender in order to complete the task that God had set before Him. And what happens in the end? He dies.

He dies. No glory for Eli. No celebration for the work HE has done. He disappears. His mission was finished. He understood that the bigger picture was not about him at all. He was here for a reason, God gave Him a purpose, and when it was accomplished, he left this world to be with the Creator. When I think back about this concept I think about my own life--and how frustrated I get so often because I don't feel like the Lord has given me some grand "calling". The story of Eli makes me question if my heart is in the right place. If the Lord DID give me some huge important task, would I risk everything I am and everything I have to totally surrender to the call? I would like to think yes....but I don't know if that is true.

There are small areas of my daily life where I fail to surrender to the Lord--so what makes me think I deserve such a huge mission from the Lord? My heart is in that transition of learning 'Yo Meg-it's not about you at all!' And it's not.

What if something happened tomorrow and life as we know it was over. Instead we lived in a post war torn society. There was barely enough food and water to go around, loved ones were lost or dead, and we no longer lived in the society we know and are so familiar with today. What if there were 5 Bibles left on the planet, and 2 were in the hands of people looking to destroy them or use them for evil. Maybe 2 were accessible but in a language that no one could translate. And maybe that last 1, was missing. Somewhere in the world but no one knew where. Would you fight for the Word of God? Would you seek out the evil doers? Would you find a way to translate what seems like the impossible? Or would you set out to find the missing one--only relying on faith and total surrender to the Lord?

How important is the Word of God to you? Right now-as a Christian--do you value God's word like it's meant to be valued? Are you listening for His voice? Learning about His character? If you're not taking advantage of the handful of Bibles I assume are laying around your house and car and church right now....then just imagine for a second what it would be like if you could NEVER open and read a Bible again. Ever.

Would it wreck your world and change your life? Or would things be about the same as they are right....now....

In Him,
Meg

Heart of a Child

WOW. What an interesting journey I have been on the past few weeks. Those of you following my story know it's been filled with some hard times and some AMAZING blessings from the Lord. Sick of feeling and acting so self-involved, today I am sharing a story about someone else and we will see where the Lord takes it.

If you haven't been keeping up, I am in the summer musical, Titanic. The top most amazing thing about this show is the relationships we are all building with one another. Talk about one giant family. We have shared so many laughs about the most random of things, that walking into rehearsals is like being let in on some inside joke the rest of the world doesn't know about. We have shared many victories, too-like the adoption of a sweet baby or the acing of a hard test! We have shared struggles, with the difficulty of the show or the uncertainty of a role. We have shared, even in loss, as a member of our summer family lost her father only a few days ago. We are a family, loving on each other every step of this process. And being a part of that is magical.

While upstairs in the mezzanine a few days ago, I found myself in a conversation with my friend Pip who is my age, and another member of our show family (we will call her Boo since she is underage but looks like Boo from Monster's Inc.) Boo is on the newer side of 5 years old and the most adorable creature you will ever meet in your life. I also had the blessing of teaching her in a drama class last semester and she definitely holds her own in a room full of 7 year olds. Not only is she a wonderful performer, super funny, and a little cutie pie...she also has the biggest heart I might have ever encountered in my life! She was sort of putting on a little show in front of Pip and myself, doing twirls and singing funny songs--when all of a sudden she got still, pensive even. And said...

"I don't know if I believe in Jesus"

Pip and I love Jesus SO much and I am sure she was thinking the same thing I was 'what an interesting conversation we are about to have!'

Boo explained to us how she loves Jesus so much. She sings to him and learns about him, too. But wasn't sure if she believed in Him. Upon further investigation she tells us...

"half of my heart believes in Him and loves Him so much, but the other half of my heart wonders sometimes if he is real and isn't sure if it believes"

Wow. This 5 year old kid nailed some very adult emotions! Unknowingly even, don't we as Christians struggle with this same thing? We love the Lord so much and believe in Him (especially when having faith requires nothing of us)--but when that faith is tested or a hardship arises do we choose the half of our heart that loves and believes? Or do we choose the half that is struggling to trust and surrender all to God?

Boo went on to tell us that she also doesn't know how much God loves her. Especially when she is a bad girl, she wonders how he could ever love her like that? In our best to reassure her of His existence and of His unconditional love for us, we gave her examples from real life 'like when her mommy gets onto her for something but still loves her' and even examples from the Bible 'like how Paul was really bad to Christians and did bad things but God loved Him so much and used him in BIG ways to help us today'. Really though, what I think Boo needed....was to feel these emotions. She was having this conversation out loud-but it truly felt like it wasn't toward Pip and myself. It felt like these emotions were so big in her little body she just had to say it out loud and then once she did, you could tell she was in deep and GIANT thought about them. 

Children do not get a small Holy Spirit simply because they are fun-sized. They get the entire HUGE Holy Spirit, just like adults! And I truly believe I was witnessing the Holy Spirit at work within this child. Maybe even for no other reason than to minister to me and Pip. 

Writing about this now reminds me of the movie Chronicles of Narnia. There is a scene where Edmond comes back (after all but betraying his brothers and sisters) and he and Aslan are having a little chat. Aslan (the symbol for Christ in these stories) tells the others that nothing of the past is to be spoken of henceforth. Later we see the white witch come for her revenge on Edmond as a traitor (and having seen the movie before) I knew Aslan was going to sacrifice himself for the boy. As I was watching (just a few weeks ago) I caught myself thinking "Ugh, why would he do that? Edmond was such a little twit! He does not deserve that kindness. He isn't worth it!" WHOA......light bulb. 

WE are all Edmond's are we not? We are traitors, we are conniving, we are mischievous, we are dishonest, we cause chaos, we are all little TWITS sometimes! And we most certainly don't feel like others are worth the kindness and sacrifice of Christ when they behave this way but looking upon myself, it seems I forget how wretched I can be too! God loves US SOOOOO much that we might NEVER begin to understand the sacrifice He made----whether we are 5 years old like Boo, or almost 25 years old like me. 

There are blessings everyday in your life. The Lord is CONSTANTLY communicating with us, not just his lessons but His LOVE as well. I encourage you to stop after today is over, and recall anything that happened--maybe you had simple chit chat with a stranger in the grocery store, or you had a flat tire fixed, or you watched cartoons with your kiddos---find where the Lord was in those situations. And if you don't know, then ask Him-I promise you He will tell you. Then thank Him for being there and thank Him for loving you. It will open up a whole new world of communication with our Creator.

Hope you enjoyed the sweet story about our precious Boo. Might I also add that during the rehearsing of the sinking scene I found our Boo crying so hard--she was distraught that this story was so real, and that people really lost their loved ones or couldn't get on a boat. My heart broke for her in witnessing the small heart of hers that was being broken right in front of me. Then something else in my spirit took over--the JOY of seeing first hand the heart of the Lord. See, He was heartbroken too when the ship sank and so many lives were lost. He was heartbroken that families were torn apart, that children would grow up without dad's, and life as they knew it would never be the same. He was showing us how He felt too, by using Boo and her big giant wide open heart. Surely the presences of the Lord is in this place :)

In Him,

Meg

Refined for the Role

Knowing who we are and why we are here on this earth is at some point a struggle for every one. If not a struggle, then at least a fleeting question or wonder. When you can find peace in who Christ says you are, then the first question becomes easier to deal with. But the other, the 'why we are here on this earth' thing, is a little more complicated. We have general purposes of course, as well as common purposes we all share like loving our neighbor as ourselves sort of deal. But individually, what is the Lord calling you to do? Some people know from a very young age that they were created to be a doctor or a preacher or a missionary--and they get to spend their entire lives working up to that goal and living out that calling on their lives. They start preparing early and by the time it's all said and done, they are ready--to go out and do the Lord's will.

But what about the other people? The "floaters" as I often call myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just floating. Not that I am not living out the will of the Lord because I know most certainly that I am. There is still that question though of 'what's next? where do I go? what do I do? who am I supposed to be?' God is dealing with me right now on this issue of understanding my role and place, my character if you will, by using (yet again and annoyingly enough) the musical I am in right now.

If you have been following my journey at all the past several weeks you know the Lord has been using this show consistently to refine me and to heal some issues going on in the depths of my heart. This is a very exciting time for me, because I KNOW it's because he is preparing me for what's next in my life. I will not lie though--it pretty much sucks :) I have been working my TAIL off vocally--working with vocal coaches, practicing non-stop in my car and my room and wherever I can get away with singing. I've been in constant prayer doing battle in the spiritual against the darkness that tries to convince me I am not worthy or the things of that realm that try to strangle my confidence. Oh the BLESSINGS that came out of that situation--

People came out of the woodwork to help me and love on me and support me and encourage me. I don't feel much more confident about my voice but I am training it to be doing all of the right things and it's going to get better, I do have confidence about that. And when you're loved for who you are and not because of what you do then things like that stop mattering like they used to. That's how God loves us and that's one of the things he wanted me to take away from that situation. 

The new struggle in front of me is my character. I left another rehearsal last night so defeated because I have absolutely no idea what is expected of me. And sometimes it feels like people think I should know, and I don't. So the questions in my head were first and foremost "who am I?". If I know her (Katherine McGowan) then her words, her movements, her everything make much more sense because there is a reason for them all. It's like this in life a lot isn't it? Understanding the little things because we know the bigger picture? But when we don't see the bigger picture then it's hard to understand or relate the little things. 

I started toying with this idea of knowing my character, and how the director is having to refine me to portray this role. Have you ever gotten a new job and where you might have all of the credentials or qualifications for that job, you still feel completely inadequate? You question why you were hired, or if you will even be able to do all that is asked of you? You fear having to learn new things because you don't know them already-and constantly you wonder if your new boss is wondering why he ever hired you? That's basically how I feel a lot during this process. 

**(This might seem far-fetched but in my own brain it works so just go with me.) The Lord is communicating with us every nano-second of everyday, always telling us something. I believe that is true. However, we rarely receive EVERY message He sends because we are not in tune with Him throughout the day. Things distract us from our communication with Him. And, there are things we simply miss. One of the ways He has chosen to deliver His messages to me, is through this show. I believe that. Because BOY am I getting about a million messages a day from Him all relating to this musical. It's interesting too how He has chosen to communicate with me, in terms of relating the story of theater to the story He has with us, His children. Let's just say directors are God. There is a vision. There is a plan. And it all lies in the head and hands of the director. 

Now to understand why these little minute details matter is to only understand that they do. This is going to be a lesson I deal with for the next couple of weeks I have the feeling so as God reveals more to me, I will share it. And I am only sharing it, because I know that I am not alone in this struggle right now. I am walking away knowing I must learn my character (not just Katherine McGowan, but ME too--and the way to do that is to continue learning the character of the Lord and who HE says I am). If I know my character and what's expected of me I will then start to understand a little better the bigger picture. And where NONE of us can really see that bigger picture (until the DVD comes out or simply until it's all said and done), we will continue to trust the creator of it all. There is one thing I know and it's that we are in good hands!

In Him,

Meg