Now we are all getting older, some of us married, some of us with children, some of us engaged...and the adventures seem to be ceasing. My heart, however, is not settled down and is still longing for adventure.
I moved out of my house when I was 16 years old and have been uprooted from place to place ever since. My home life wasn't stable by any means, so it wasn't like I was leaving a home. I was just leaving, a place. To go to another place, to shortly leave that place and go to another, etc etc. Now, almost 8 years later, I am still living that way. I think my heart has multiple personalities, or well, maybe 2 distinct ones.
The first: Domestication. I want so badly to be a wife, and to be a mother, and to raise a family, and to glorify God through all of that. I want support and a partnership that makes my calling and my ministry stronger. I want someone to come home to, to talk about my day to, to pray with, to cry with, etc. I don't want to face the trials of this world alone anymore, I am sick of being a survivor! I finally want to relax in my own skin and be comfortable finally having stability.
The second: Gypsy. I have been born to handle not only a lifestyle of moving around, but also am most comfortable in my own self when my spirit is able to be completely free. This lifestyle speaks to the part of my soul that wants to hop in an RV and travel the world, playing music, getting random jobs to support myself, and spreading God's love through every life I encounter. This road is lonely because if dating were even an option he would have to want to live that sort of life with me, and those type of guys are hard to find too.
These two parts of my heart are in a CONSTANT state of battle, and it wears down on me a little each day. Because when I am in a season where I want so much to give someone all the love I have, I find my dating life desolate and lonely. That is where I am at right now, I feel pushed more toward the gypsy part of my life just by association of having no one in my life right now to keep me grounded. Which I guess, is ok.
I am also struggling with feeling like I am special. I have dated some (well, jerks but who hasn't haha but also) AMAZING men who truly feel I am such a prize, and so unique, and so special! I even have just guy friends who tell me this, everyday! So, I find it hard when dating or attempting to date, people who just don't see it. I not only know that I am a princess because the Lord tells me that, but I too feel like I am a kick-butt girlfriend, and would make a guy freaking happy by being a kick-butt wife too! So when I date, mediocre guys, who don't have the passion for love that i have, or the will to put any effort into a relationship I am instantly defeated. I am awesome enough to WANT to text and to WANT to call and to WANT to communicate with, I shouldn't have to chase you down!!! And....I won't do it anymore, not for anyone. Because I am worth the fight, I am worth the chase!
This blog is sort of word-vomit of a bunch of crap I have had to deal with this week, and no I know, it is not as cheerful and Jesus-loving as it usually is, but it is the truth. You, readers, or...reader-whoever you are haha, are bearing witness to my heart of hearts right now. I am facing the facts that I am a survivor through life, and my heart will remain open for whoever wants to test it out...because I can't hide who I am. I have SO much love to give! Whether it be to kiddos I teach or my friends or a dog or the future love of my life!!!! But I will NOT settle for having my heart broken by people who are not even worth it! So, if you get booted out of this gypsy's life then you clearly weren't worth the pain it would've caused me in the long-run!
Tomorrow, I am hopping into my car with one of my besties and we are driving until we run out of road-because that is what gypsy's do! If you pass me along the journey, then be cautious...I may bite ;)
In Him,
Meg
