They say "sticks and stones can break my bones but words may never hurt me"...."THEY"...were WRONG. Words can hurt. Very much.
"Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you. Counting my footsteps, praying the floor won't fall through...Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone. Don't ya think I was too young to be messed with the girl in the dress cried the whole way home....I should have known."
(TAYLOR SWIFT)
So then why do we do it? Say mean words? Repeat mean words? Say things we don't mean? Break promises we never intended to keep? Write notes to our friends that would hurt others feelings if they read it? Keep a diary full of hateful words we would be grounded for if our parents ever found? Why do we let words hurt us at all?
"Each time you'd pull down the driveway I wasn't sure when I would see you again. Yours was a twisted blind-sided highway, no matter which road you took then. Oh you set up your place in my thoughts, moved in and made my thinking crowded. Now we're out in the back with the barking dogs, my heart the red sun, your heart the moon clouded." (INDIGO GIRLS)
It isn't very often that I allow myself to listen to secular music. Not because I think there is particularly anything so wrong with it, but simply because...it hurts. But, today was a random day where kLove just wasn't cutting it for me, I was tired of my Francesca Batistelli cd, and I wanted something to JAM to, something to SING with, and something to FEEL! So, I popped in the A Fine Frenzy cd. Her music is very, very exceptional. But at the same token, very, very heartbreaking. I immediately found myself glued to the same 3 songs I used to always listen to so many years ago, and sucked back into a memory I did not wish to be a part of. I was there, in that moment a few years ago, after having just been dumped, driving around at midnight, listening to heartbreaking music and crying (hopefully to all of my many readers, it will come as no surprise that girls do this sometimes when we have been dumped....or at least, I do this after being dumped!) I shook the memory out of my head, focusing back on the reality at hand which was that I was driving through town in the middle of the day, not particularly upset about anything, and definitely not remembering a breakup with whats his face several years ago. And immediately...God spoke to me.
I believe after a breakup, there is an instinct need for (women anyway) to wallow in self-pity, drowning our sorrows in mint-chocolate chip ice cream, and driving around with our girlfriends listening to breakup songs and crying. No, not the most productive way to rid a broken heart but what is one night going to hurt?.....Right? Well, I am not so sure any more. See, I will admit to the world (because I am betting I am not alone in this) that I do this once after a breakup, sure. But you will undoubtedly find me doing this, periodically, and sometimes months or years later. Still "healing" from the same breakup? Well, probably not. But still listening to the same music, and experiencing the same feelings as if I am. Does this, then, leave room for God to heal my wounds and my broken heart? If I so easily will be sucked back into the past as if He had never rescued and healed me to begin with?
I think that is what we do sometimes when we revisit old wounds that way. And I used music as an example, because that is what most often does it for me. Sure, there are guys I have dated that I need no physical reminder that he was once there because I remember it every second of the day, and every second of the day am trying to forget it. To this day, there are still bands and songs I can not listen to because it physically hurts my heart too much. There are places I can not go. Things I can not eat. I am not free.... and today I heard God whispering to me "let me free you"
But how? Well, He asked me to write this blog. Talking about the difference between the need to wallow in self pity for a little while versus acts of self-destruction that disable us from healing properly. So in my example with music, listening to this old music did several things: 1. attempted to reverse a program in my heart/brain that God is trying to run now (Satan. Damn you.) 2. tempted me to text or call old boyfriends whom I know I should not try and contact (Satan, you little rascal!) and 3. killed my perfectly joyous mood I have just by being in love with my God and brought me to surface with "the woes of the world" (OOOoooh he is sneaky!). See, satan doesn't want us to heal. So he is going to make this music so enticing, that even those few times we decide to pop it in every now and then, he has done his part, and the memories will take care of themselves: leaving us fragile women (and men in some cases) balled up on the floor, a disheveled mess, wondering (when the song is over) why we are so upset?
Again, do not hear me say that this is strictly music. Because it can be anything. Looking through old photo albums, going through home videos, smelling a particular scent, going to familiar places....all good ways to wallow over the past, a past that God is trying to HEAL you from and satan is trying to REMIND you of.
So what do we do about this? We fight back. In the case with my music....I know I am not strong enough alone to get rid of these songs that hurt me so so badly. (because I am a music LOVER and this is some GOOD music) BUT-I love God MORE than this music, and even more than I love Him and my music...is how much HE loves me. And how SO BADLY He doesn't want me to hurt, or suffer from what others have done to me. He does not want me crying over my broken heart because every second of every day He is working to mend it back together in a way that only HE can. And when He does, it will never be broken like that again. So in my case...I pray. Pray for strength.
Let's examine the Truth here. Which one helps more. This:
"I wrote a couple notes, one in love, one in anger. They're lyin' there dying in the dresser drawer. Lived louder than my voice, struggled through a stranger. He loved me til I loved you even more...Now I can't laugh, can't cry. And I can't run, can't hide. What do I gotta do? What do I gotta do to keep you? What do I gotta do to keep you...from doing this to me?" (SUGARLAND)
OR This:
"Your name is JESUS. Your name is JESUS. You're the Wonderful, Counselor, my Friend. You're what I hold onto, I know that You've brought me through, all the days of loss...to the cross You knew...that I'd need a SAVIOR." (AMONG THE THIRSTY)
Like I said before, God asked me to share this message, and I write it to whoever out there is reading to convict you just as much if not more to me, to convict myself of my own actions as well. It is alot easier said than done, not just giving God your heart now but giving Him your past too...so that He can heal every ounce of you. That is what He LONGS to do for you, beloved. Yes, we have a Creator who loves us THAT much. So believe it.
"But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry to Him reached His ears." Psalm 18:6
What are you holding onto today that God is asking you to let go, so that He can truly heal your broken heart? Are you willing to give it up? To trust that no man, no song, no memory could EVER amount to the Love of our Savior?
In Him,
Meg
