Out of Focus

Do you ever feel like something is just...off? It's hard to pinpoint but somehow you feel off balance, or out of sync with your body, or maybe you are having moments where your brain is taking longer than normal to pick up on certain things. There are many ways to feel "off" I guess.

Yesterday was an off day for me. My entire day felt both physically and spiritually out of focus. Through my regular human eyes, every image felt out of focus. I was having a super hard time seeing things clearly. No matter how hard I would squint or unsquint or rub or move or blink, I could not get things to focus clearly yesterday. It honestly felt like I had my contacts in the wrong eyes all day long (and knowing me that is definitely a possibility! haha) But this out of focus blurry and annoying feeling in my eye was relating to how I also felt spiritually. And for days now.

I think the eye issue was as annoying as it was because I already felt out of sync with God and disconnected from Him. So now, I was feeling that way spiritually and then truly feeling hindered in my ability to focus because of my jacked up eyeballs. Needless to say I felt frustrated and annoyed all day long. I had a ton to do and couldn't seem to do any of it with the kind of heart I know God wishes I would have had yesterday. Some of my plans I even cancelled because of this focusing and irritating issue.

The simple part about yesterday was that there was a solution to the problem with my regular eyes. One of my contacts really was messed up (and both probably overdo for the garbage can). Once out of my eyes and in the trash I slipped on my glasses and felt just fine. The not so simple part about yesterday or the days before is that I don't know if there is that simple of a fix for feeling out of focus with God. I have talked to many a people, most of whom confirmed having felt the same way or feeling the same way now. Where that was refreshing in a sense (to know I am not alone), it also left me feeling just as hopeless because there is no quick fix.

My constant human silly issue (among the MANY that I have) is I like to fix things. When there is a problem, I like to find out why and then fix it. I go into fix it mode with people and friends and situations and myself all the time. So I can't wrap my baby brain around the fact that maybe sometimes there is not a problem. Maybe there is and there is no solution. I know God will never leave me, never forsake me. So all day I kept beating myself up about the things in my life I am doing to keep from feeling Him as near as I did say just a few weeks ago. In the best way I know how to sum up what my little spirit is feeling it would be worn out. I know this sounds AWFUL but yesterday even praying out loud required too much energy. All I really wanted to do was cry, and curl up in God's lap to sleep and find peace in the rest I know only He can provide.

I am not sure if there is a solution. I am not sure if there is even a problem. I do know that Jesus himself said we can not stay at the top of the mountain forever. So maybe I am walking off the mountain and into a new season of my life. What I do know is regardless where I go, He is there. In fact, (I hope), He is leading me wherever I am going.

Maybe you are in the same boat I am or have been there before. If neither are true then be prepared as a devout and radical follower of Jesus, rest assured you will not always be at the top of a mountain (and consider it a blessing when you're experiencing the lows too!). Here is what I have done today--
I gave myself a time out. I had work to get done of course, but I let my brain rest as much as it could. I listened to worship music every chance that I got. And i rejoiced in the moments where I had energy enough to do so.

This song was on replay almost the entire afternoon. I hope it finds you where you need to be found and loved on today. What Love Is This? Kari Jobe

In Him,
Meg