Today I wanted to talk about being silenced. Last year, when I was still very new in my faith and new to my church, my friend Courtney mentioned to me that she was going through a season where she felt like she just needed to shut up. Looking back at the conversation now, having no real experience as a Christian then and having a poor memory now, I can't quite remember what she meant by that. I don't feel I ever did quite understand. Like any good friend I remember saying something along the lines of "girl we are not called to shut up as Christians, people like me need you to be outspoken or verbal with what's going on inside so we can understand" (obviously that's paraphrasing but hey I give myself credit for being a good friend then even if I actually said something like "yea.....you might just need to do that" haha-just kidding Court!)
Anyway, I have really really REALLY been struggling this week about feeling like I need to just keep my mouth shut. Like I have said to much, or my opinion isn't wanted, or maybe what I have to say isn't important at all. Inwardly there is a small little girl, who very often gets her feelings hurt by the world, but faithfully ALWAYS picks herself up, dusts the dirt off of her dress, and keeps on going-forcing a smile for anyone who might be watching. Well, this time that young little girl wants to just hang her head, and shut up.
When I was in high school, my friends and I would have the absolute funniest conversations at the lunch table, I mean, writer's in Hollywood couldn't have written ANYTHING quite as clever as we were spouting off to one another over mystery meat and teeny tiny chocolate milks. CLASSIC! We would always talk about how funny it probably was to the other tables around us to watch us "fighting" for each other's attention! And it wasn't actual fighting, it was things like trying to be louder than the person you are trying to interrupt, trying to have the bigger better story than the person whose story you are trying to outdo, and trying to be funnier than the person who just said the last witty remark in that conversation. Looking back, that table was my fondest memories of that whole entire time in my life. I mention the table because it presents a very good picture of church-not just my church but all churches. In theory, throughout our week we are gathering around the large table of Christ, sharing our lives together, eating together, having coffee together, serving alongside one another, working together, being married to one another, experiencing new babies or grief or victories with one another. (These things shouldn't just be talked about and experienced together on Sunday mornings--but throughout your week and lives.....but that is a whole different blog!) Anyway, just like with friends around a lunch table, or family around a dinner table, the body of Christ is seated at a big (giant) theoretical table. And at that table there is sometimes drama, there is fighting to tell the best story, trying to show off the better talents, attempting to be bigger better louder faster funnier than the person sitting next to you, and there is always the everyone sitting around looking at each other talking and laughing and smiling and loving and thinking to themselves "where do I fit in, in this conversation that's going on?"
Let that sit just a minute. "Where do I fit in, in this conversation that's going on?" Maybe it's because I am a 'writer' (HA!) or people watcher or observer...but I remember being VERY aware at the lunch table in high school that there were always going to be conversations happening amongst my group of friends, and in order to feel welcome or like you belong or like you are even important at all, an asset to your circle of amigas, you HAD to chime in! You couldn't get by sitting there like a bump on a log-that is how you got left out of the inside jokes, how you miss the funny stories and incidents, and eventually that turns into isolating yourselves from your friends lives altogether (not joining their birthday parties or movie nights or what have you). I am not saying this happened to me, although sometimes it did-when I wasn't an active part of the conversation--but I am saying this happens in life, at this big giant table we are all sitting at together. If you do not chime in, do no speak, do not make yourself known...you get swept away, lost in the cracks, LEFT OUT.
Now, is this the fault of the person being left behind? I am going to say no. But, it is not really the fault of those carrying on with their lives either. You see, we are people. And people are imperfect. (If you are scratching your head and thinking "really? we are?" then that is a WHOLE different blog for you too my friend!) Imperfect people get caught up in their own lives, are selfish, forget to love on others, forget to include others, don't genuinely care sometimes whether you are having a good day or not, and the list goes on and on and on and on and ON about what imperfect people do (or do not do). One important thing we imperfect people do is not inviting those on the outskirts of our already happening conversations, IN-to the INSIDE of what's going on.
Most humans operate like this. I want to belong, I need to be a part of this. But I don't know anyone and I am all alone so no way can I enter into this ongoing conversation.
OR
Please please please, invite me! Love me! Want me around! Notice how valuable I am and ask for my opinion!
OR
I have been so abused and so mistreated throughout my life emotionally that I am going to put up a hard exterior and pretend like I don't give a poop what others think about me when really I am dying inside to belong somewhere and would melt if one person at this "table" would just invite me to join in.
We as Christians are not only expected and asked to invite those on the outskirts of the dinner conversation in, but those who are already sitting at the table as well.
Let that sink in a second will ya?
I have struggled all year at feeling like I have a voice in my church. When you go to a church of over 1000 people it is easy to get lost in the crowd. All I wanted was to FEEL important, to FEEL wanted, to FEEL loved, to FEEL invited. I call it my Principle Series (and I will get to in a second how this series is the wrong way of thinking.) Imagine you are that teenage girl crying because you were left out of a lunchroom conversation where everyone was talking about a party they went to (except for you of course) and you had to sit there and listen to them go on and on and on and on about the food they ate, the cute boys they saw, the games they played, the fun they had, etc etc etc. Then you go home and cry to your mom, who then says "but honey, we were out of town that weekend anyway so you wouldn't have gotten to go." Then what do YOU say? Figure it out yet? "But its the principle behind it!" (which, you probably didn't say this as a teenager because you probably didn't know what it meant-but you would've said more simple "But I still wanted to be INVITED!")
Being on the outskirts of an already happening conversation is not a fun deal. Because of the way I grew up and the things that happened to me when I was little, I am wounded now to always be seeking somewhere that I feel of value to the people and conversations happening there. I want to be invited. I want to be wanted. I want to be missed when I am not there. I want to belong. This is often, a heavy heavy cross I carry, because humans are imperfect. I am that girl, who makes sure that when people are walking in a group on the sidewalk towards a common destination, that no one gets left behind--so I will go walk with that person. I am that girl, who notices someone missing out of a class or group I am in, and will call or facebook them to make sure they are ok and tell them they were missed. I am that girl, who sees a teenager sitting alone in a room full of people, and I go sit with them. My sister still makes fun of me because I always picked the ugly Barbies when we would play together, the ones with Crayon all over their face or the ones we had shaved their hair off-because I felt SORRY for them. They were my Pity Toys as she still says. But what it really is, is that I NOTICE people, and I seek to make them feel like they belong.
I do this, because when I was growing up, nobody did this for me. I had divorced parents, a hellish nightmare of a home, and tons more baggage that was thrust upon me before I had a chance to make a mess of my own life (not saying I would've but saying here that all of that was out of my control) so I was left out of the normalcy of childhood, and when you enter into your teenage years as having been an abnormal child, you aren't exactly the first one invited to the party. And to make it worse, I had very popular friends. Good life long friends who were cheerleaders and very easy to talk to and laugh with, they are still some of my best friends today. But growing up with them wasn't easy I would say. If I didn't call and ask what was going on on a Friday night, I didn't get invited. If I wasn't CONSTANTLY checking in, inviting myself, making myself vulnerable and open to them, then I was left out. It felt like I was drowning and always fighting to keep my head above water. So when I started seeing that this is what was happening, I turned to the other extreme. Remember, the bitter hard exterior that had to pretend like I didn't give a poop if I was invited or not? And i isolated myself from them so it didn't hurt so bad when they forgot me. ***Sometimes I read my blogs and thing, "really God?" you are baring this much of my heart and soul?" haha but whatever, I obey faithfully as literally my mind is not thinking and the Holy Spirit is revealing this to you guys using me***
So basically what I am saying, is that in life there is always a table people are gathering to, and a conversation happening at that table, that other people want to be invited to. This week has been particularly hard for me, because it has been one of the first times (during this year that I have been struggling at my church) that I felt like "Wow, I finally have a voice here!" I felt like I had people fighting on my behalf (I even blogged about this last week) and that people really cared! Which they do, of course they do! But the devil is the devil, and after any victory you can almost always expect him to be lurking around to screw it up. In this case it was feeling like I don't quite have everyone on board and feeling the animosity of momentarily having a voice that maybe didn't match the voice of those carrying on their conversations around me (whether I am speaking or not)--does that make sense? I am trying here to be as vague as I possibly can because as I am writing this I can feel the darkness lifting off of me and God revealing and healing and it's getting to that point where I feel Meg entering the picture again thinking, is this something I should even share with the world? Well, I am going to, because I think it is a good learning experience.
For those at the table, having conversations, who have been at the table a LONG time and who are used to having the louder voice, the funnier stories, the whatever-TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU, and realize that the person sitting on your right who never speaks, is DYING to say something but needs to be asked "Hey, what do you think? Do you have an opinion here?" and the person to your left has been trying to talk for the past 20 minutes but every time she opens her mouth someone interrupts her to tell the table something that (in her mind) must be bigger or better or more valuable than ANYTHING she could possibly say or contribute to the conversation.
We are broken, sinning, imperfect people. And we don't all come from the background I came from. Part of what I went through as a child is so I could be the adult that blogs before you today who notices the unnoticed, loves on the unloved, and invites the uninvited. YOU reader, went through completely different experiences in life as I have, but are STILL at this table with me. Figure out what your gifts are, and use those to the best of your ability to make this an enjoyable conversation for all of us here. Does that make sense? Maybe your wounds didn't mark you to have pity toys like me, and maybe you are the kid at the table dominating the conversation with your awesomeness, but look around you brother....we are all important and have something to say, so give us a chance. And for the kid like me, who feels unimportant or who thinks that you don't have anything valuable to add to the conversation==YOU DO! You are worthy because you are HIS. Don't seek your identity from those around you but let God show you how beautiful, wonderful, important, and valuable you truly are! Even if others don't see it, then believe that it's true because our faithful Father in Heaven says so. And while you are reminding yourself of that each day, know that there are many others out there like you (me included) that have to stop and remind ourselves too.
We are human. We are imperfect. But there is Grace for times we keep failing and for things we can not seem to change. And there is Love and Acceptance when we can't quite seem to find our place in this world....
In Him,
Meg
