Parental Guidance Suggested

I commute back and forth from Paragould to Jonesboro almost everyday. Other then the increasing gas prices, this is a great thing for me because I find amazing solace driving in my car, singing at the top of my lungs, window down enjoying the new beautiful weather and having that extra hour a day where I can be alone, and think! Most often, when God presents a vision or idea to me, or when He just wants to chat, it is during one of these times for me.

A few nights ago I was listening to the Glee Volume 5 cd (yes, I am a Gleek, no the cd isn't actually mine...although, I DO have volumes 1-3! haha) and the song "Landslide" came on (per one of Gwyneth Paltrow's numerous cameos on the show. Originally, this song was done by Fleetwood Mac, a band my daddy joked about or referenced many times in the past, so immediately upon hearing the song, I thought of him.

I was not only reminded of my dad generically, but I was also reminded of the many things we shared...and sadly, the many things we never got to share. See, my dad was a coach-he LOVED coaching, any sport he could get his hands on he found a way to ref it or to coach it. My older sister and I started early in life being groomed for a sport's lifestyle. Deep down, it was never really my thing. So, after winning a talent show in 7th grade, we realized I had some vocal talent. So my dad shifted his focus from sports with me, to music-something we both passionately loved and did well.

Softball games turned into gigs at fairs, basketballs turned into guitars, and quality time meant teaching me chords on a guitar! I loved sharing this with my dad. I got the complete music-side of him to myself. My sister got the complete sport-side of him to herself. So we both won!

However, upon getting older, things changed some. I was interested in boys and dating. I was hardly ever home due to my social life. Dad's marriage to my stepmother began (or continued) falling apart so to keep busy and stay away from home he would spend hours and hours at work, til 10pm or later most nights. Our paths, simply never seemed to cross. We did not develop a bad relationship, but we had a distant one. When we were together, he would be drinking or partying with his own friends, and he would want to play and me to sing...but it was different somehow. It was fun quality time with my daddy, I was a monkey with a drum entertaining people on a crowded street. Other times, I simply denied singing with him because I was being stubborn and didn't want to, or because I was embarrassed (like most teenage excuses lead to).
We both missed out on several years of really being able to jam with one another!

A few months before my father died, I called him up and told him I missed playing with him and that if he found an excuse to play and for me to sing that we should do it! A week later he called back, having formed an idea to hold a fundraiser to raise money for the softball team at the school where he taught/coached. We went to work immediately on a song list and copying cd's for the other musicians. He came down to my house and had a couple of acoustic jam sessions with me, and was also working with some musically talented students at his school as well! It was all coming together and the fundraiser was to be scheduled for the end of January mid February.

On a Friday night I called my dad to make sure he was still coming down Saturday afternoon to rehearse with me. He told me he had some errands to run in the morning but would hollar at me when he got into town and we would meet up sometime around lunch. I told him I loved him, and we hung up. The next day, January 17th, 2009, I waited....and waited...and waited. All day I waited. I called. I drove around trying to find something to do. I was getting angry thinking he had forgotten all about me. I went to Hastings to find a dvd, but had no luck. I drove home and found my cousin Kevin, knocking on my front door. He was there to tell me, that my father had been killed in a car accident earlier that morning. It had happened more than 5 hours previous to anyone finding out because the police could not find or get a hold of anyone.

That day, changed my world forever. See, now, when I hear songs like "Landslide" I think, if I just would've sang with him when he wanted me to. If I just would've done the songs he wanted me to do. If it wouldn't have taken so long for me to grow up and realize how much I loved performing with him, then I would not feel that void within me when the music brings him to the forefront of my mind.

We don't always get the chance to tell people we love them, or show them how much we care. But not just that, we don't always get the chance to be selfless and just, indulge someone in something that means SO much to them. Had I not been a selfish brat, a child, so much of the time, I would have a million more memories of spending time with my daddy.

And writing this blog, God is showing me that that is so often what we do to him. See, when I was young I wanted boys and friends and adventures. I wanted to make my own mistakes, not listen to authority. I didn't take good care of my heart at all, and I was disgusted at anyone who tried to tell me what to do. And sometimes, I am still that selfish selfish child. I become impatient almost daily because God has not sent me my future husband-well, maybe He hasn't sent me anyone, because like my earthly father, is trying to just spend time with me. And He wants so badly for me to just be satisfied in that, and stop searching for anything else. Are the boys and friends and adventures that I search for now any different then the ones when I was a teenager? Sure, different scenario, but they are both taking away from time and energy and love that I could be showing my Father. God is telling me "Look Meg, I have let you make your mistakes, but now I want to show you what it's like when you do it MY way, and how infinitely blessed you will be when doing that."

Do we ever listen? Do we ever fully surrender that control? Do we ever relinquish the idea of "You know what Dad? YOU actually DO know better. So ever though it goes against all of my selfish and childish feelings and emotions, I am going to TRUST that You are protecting my heart-the heart You created."? Do we ever get there??

Maybe not. But not getting there, will lead to a life of sad what if's and regrets of great memories that could've been made....and weren't.

In Him,
Meg