The Lion King

I have been told that my blogs are like books. Well....get ready :)

Tonight, in 3D, I got to experience one of my favorite childhood movies. Yes, I am talking about The Lion King! As a child, i enjoyed the bright colors, the funny characters, and the AMAZING soundtrack (I was that elementary kid on the playground singing "I just can't wait to be King" with my friends and telling them how off-key or flat they were....which, if you know me, is not far from how I sing with friends today! haha) But now, as an adult, there are completely different things that I love about the movie-still the funny characters and the amazing soundtrack, but most importantly I LOVE how the movie mirrors our relationship with God and His love for us! Through the whole movie, I annoyingly whipped out my phone every few minutes to jot down notes for tonight's blog, so it is going to be a long one, as I go through the movie sort of explicating from it our relationship with God. I honestly, think it will be so worth it for you to read, as it was for me to listen to as God nudged my Spirit towards this new discovery. So bare with me and let's get started.

Right off the bat, I will mention "The Circle of Life" song. What is happening during this song is Simba's birth. (Now, if you are unfamiliar with the movie BLASPHEMERS then I will explain what I can, but it might get redundant for those of you very familiar with the movie) Simba is yes, you guessed it, a lion. The king? Not yet. He is the son of Mufasa-who is the actual king. So during this song, simba has been born and all of the animals in the kingdom have shown up to see him! Rafiki (crazy baboon "medicine man" figure in the animal kingdom) is like, anointing him and preparing him for his first public appearance I assume (I mean I don't really know what goes on except for what I see on Animal Planet!) At the end of the song, Rafiki takes Simba and holds him high in the air for all to see, at which point all animals bow down to one knee, honoring the new prince. This small scene, which happens the first 2 minutes of the movie, gave me chills. I kept thinking, this is what it feels like to witness all creation bowing down to the King. "Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess." It was a beautiful scene!

Simba grows up to be a young and very curious lion cub, always testing limits and asking questions-just like new Christians when growing in their faith. Mufasa takes Simba out to show him the kingdom and tells him that all of it will be his, "everything the light touches." Which not only foreshadows spiritual warfare between the two kingdoms (light and dark, good and evil) but also shows us the relationship between the King (a Father) and the prince (his son). Mufasa takes his time to teach Simba the things he is going to need to know later in life not only in order to survive, but in order to rule as future king.

Scar, the brother of Mufasa and the villain of the movie, would have inherited the throne and been the next King but Simba was born and threw a wrench into his plan. Meaning, of course in Disney fashion, he was out to kill both Mufasa and Simba in order to be king. He plants the idea to Simba of going to the elephant graveyard, a place the light most certainly does not touch, in hopes that his hyena menions will kill him. Being the curious cub that he is, he goes, placing both he and his friends who are with him in danger of being killed. But like a good and faithful father, Mufasa shows up to rescue Simba-just like our good and faithful Heavenly Father shows up without fail when we need to be rescued.

After Mufasa defeats the evil hyenas he tells the others to leave so he can then discipline his son-another vital part to Christian growth. Our Papa in Heaven gently (and not so gently) disciplines us out of love, in order to protect us from harming ourselves and destroying our lives. As Simba walks up to his father, preparing for that discipline, he steps in his dad's giant paw print. What an awesome way to not only symbolize how we are to walk in Christ's footsteps but also that they are mighty large "paws" to fill-our little paws are still learning and growing, and always going to need our Father's footsteps to follow.

During this father and son moment that we get to witness between Mufasa and Simba, we hear Mufasa tell his eager son that he is only brave when he has to be, that he doesn't go out looking for trouble. He gently reprimands his young son, correcting his behavior as a way to teach him to better his life. He then playfully reminds Simba that "nobody messes with your dad!" (which is also a wonderful way to look at God, because even when we are spiritually attacked-we should not fear, because God has already won the battle over evil for us!) As they play in the grass, and wrestle around, I was reminded of something I heard from a friend in my Life Group--about how important it is for a father and son to play in that manner, not only because it sets the son straight on who the boss of this relationship is, but also because it reminds the son that 'my dad is big and will protect me' sort of deal.

Due to Scar's manipulation (like that of the devil), Simba ended up in another dangerous situation, where he winds up in the middle of a deadly stampede. Faithfully, his father comes to his rescue again, only this time ultimately leading to Mufasa's death. Like the devil, Scar goes to Simba feeding him lies like "if it weren't for you, he would still be alive" making Simba fear going back home or reaching out to friends and family for comfort, because he blamed himself and believed others would too. With Mufasa gone, Simba could not find or hear the truth and so easily believed the lies the enemy told him. As we mature is Christians, this is a constant struggle. Keeping God and His Word close at hand and buried in our hearts so that we are living our lives on a foundation of Truth, setting apart the lies we hear from the devil.

So Simba runs away, like we all do at different stages in our lives, and essentially becomes just a big hippie. A big lion hippie who, instead of taking responsibility for his life and living out his true identity, runs away and says things like "Hakunah Matata" (meaning, "it means no worries" for all of you Lion King newbies out there.) After reuniting with his friend Nala, who challenges Simba to live out his rightful place as King, he runs away again (sound familiar? We? People? Great runners.) Then the most critical and important scene in the whole movie happens....Simba's encounter with Rafiki.

Simba is seeking and questioning, and ultimately, just LOST and he yells up to the sky "you said you'd always be there for me....but you're not!" which is about the time crazy Rafiki enters. I will do my best to sketchily transcribe their conversation, as it is the most vital part of being a Christian today, finding our identity in Christ.

Rafiki chants.

Simba Creepy monkey. Will you cut it out? Who are you?

Rafiki The question is...who....are you?

Simba I thought I knew....now I'm not so sure.

Rafiki Well I know who you are, shh, come here it's a secret. (Starts crazily chanting again)

Simba What is that supposed to mean?

Rafiki It means you are a baboon...and I am not.

Simba Uh, I think you're a little confused.

Rafiki Wrong! I am not the one who's confused, you don't even know who you are!

Simba Oh and I suppose you know.

Rafiki Sure do. You're Mufasa's boy.....BYE (runs away)

**First, let me make the connection here and unpack to you what I am thinking and meditating on this part of the scene. When asked who he is Mufasa doesn't know, because he has forgotten WHOSE he is. Until Rafiki makes the connection. He doesn't answer the question of who Simba is by saying "lion, animal, Simba, Disney character, etc" He answers by stating WHOSE Simba is, who is Father is defines who Simba is.

Simba Wait! You knew my father?

Rafiki Correction. I know your father.

Simba I hate to tell you this, but...he died. A long time ago.

Rafiki NOPE! Wrong again! He's alive! And I show him to you! You follow Rafiki he knows the way!

**PAUSE. What happens here is Simba, so desperate to see his father, trusts Rafiki and decides to follow him. The run through a thicket of thorns and branches and obstacles and darkness (often like we feel sometimes) in order to get to where they are going, which is a body of water.

Rafiki Stop! Shh...look down there (points to water)

Simba carefully and cautiously looks out over the water, hopeless as he only sees his own reflection. (**Sometimes we live our lives in a way that does not reflect who we belong to, who lives inside of us. And when faced with our own reflection, only find ourselves.)

Simba That's not my father. It's just my reflection.

Rafiki No. Look....harder.

As Rafiki touches the water, Simba's reflection turns into Mufasa's image.

Rafiki You see...he lives in YOU!

(**Sometimes it takes someone pointing out the error of our ways for us to regain focus, and see the reflection of the One whose image we were created in.)

Then from the rolling thunderous clouds, Mufasa appears in the sky.
Simba Father? (questioning, out of disbelief and possibly from detached reality in the sense of having not seen his father in so long he wonders if it is truly him)

Mufasa Simba, you have forgotten me.

Simba No! How could I?

Mufasa You have forgotten who you are, and so, forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba, you are MORE than what you have become! (**PAUSE** Ouch, gentle reprimand from our Father? Anyone recognize this?) You must take your place in the circle of life.

Simba How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.

Mufasa Remember who you are. You are MY son, and the one true king. Remember, who you are.

Mufasa fades away as Simba runs after the rolling clouds, begging him to stay. This section of the scene makes me teary eyed listening to it even the millionth time. When I was a teenager, learning how to drive and starting to venture out into the world on my own, everytime I would leave the house my daddy would say "Remember who you are!" I never understood it then, but oh how I understand now. He didn't just mean remember your name, or remember where you live, remember your job. He meant, remember your identity. Remember WHOSE you are. Not just his daughter, but God's daughter, a representation of Christ every time I walked out the door (although, I was not what you would call a true Christian at that age.)

Rafiki comes back into the picture

Rafiki What was THAT!? The weather. Very peculiar. Don't you think?

Simba Yea...looks like the winds are changing.

Rafiki Ah, change is good...

Simba Yea but it's not easy. I know what I have to do but going back means I'll have to face my pas. I've been running from it for so long.

**Rafiki whacks him over the head with a stick

Simba Ow! What was that for?

Rafiki It doesn't matter, it's in the past!

Simba Yea but it still hurts

Rafiki Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or...LEARN from it.

Simba then makes the decision, to 'go back.' The past definitely can hurt. But, it's when you revisit the trials of your past are you able to start learning from your mistakes. We all have things in our past we are ashamed of, but it's in those mistakes that God's glory is known. We must pray for freedom and seek healing from the situations of our past, in order to share our testimonies with others-testimonies that tell of God's love and grace and mercy and power and GLORY! That is ultimately what we seek to do as Christians in this journey of bringing the kingdom of Heaven on earth.

After Simba goes home, instead of finding his lush green alive and thriving kingdom, he finds Pride Rock to be the complete opposite-desolate, dead, evil, and dark. This mirrors what life looks like with a King...and, without our King Jesus, present. And can mirror that of Simba's life and journey as well.

As Simba's mother, Sarabi-the Queen, is called to the presence of evil (Scar-the new king), she walks through the rows of evil hyenas, hitting her, laughing, and calling her name. Yet, she hold her head up high. She is royalty. She knows who she is and knows WHOSE she is. And no one can make her feel any differently because she knows where she belongs.

After the battle between Scar and Simba, where Simba wins of course (because good will always triumph evil) Simba takes his rightful place on the "throne", as the true king, resting in the peace of his true identity. All is restored in Pride Rock as we see the appearance of animals, and grass, and flowers, and a blue sky. Alive. Thriving. Beauty.

And the movie ends, with Simba and Nala's cub being raised in front of the kingdom, announcing the new Princess and next heir to the throne, thus symbolizing our place as the sons and daughters of Christ, joining our place in the Kingdom.

I know this was a novel of a blog, and for those of you who finished I commend you. And I encourage you, to go watch this movie (not necessarily in 3D but just in general.) I am so thankful for a Father who fights on my behalf, who is constantly pursuing my heart, who sends people/angels (like crazy Rafiki) to comfort me in my time of need and sending the Holy Spirit (also a Rafiki type character) to gently nudge me back on the path I was created to follow. I am so thankful that my Father's spirit dwells deep inside of me, always with me, reminding me who I am and whose I am. What an amazing Father we have, can I get an AMEN!?

In Him,

Meg

LOST

This week was fair week in Northeast Arkansas. A week of games, rides, food, friends, singing, laughing, dancing, spinning, twirling, hurling, winning, losing, AHH! It's a teeny tiny Disney World right here in our large small town (minus the cleanliness, Princesses, castle, and well....just about everything really! Ok, ok, so it's not Disney World!) But, people young and small look forward to this week every year. I had not been to the fair since I was a young child, but since this is the last year for the fair to be on the historic fairgrounds I decided to go!

I wasn't looking forward to anything specific, really, just the experience in itself. Where I had fun riding rides and playing games and eating junk food, I could not help but notice this strange and completely foreign world I had entered into. I imagine that the Northeast Arkansas District Fair might be what hell is like.

Tonight I noticed teenage and preteen girls wearing shorts so short you could almost see, well....things not only I didn't want to see, but things I did not want the 10 and 12 year old boys I was with to see either. Those same, and even different, short wearing girls covered in eye makeup so thick you'd think they were in some sort of theatrical production. As I stood in line for the Predator, I caught conversation from the group of very young teenagers in front of me who continuously used the F word, D word, S word, and any other word you can imagine! I thought to myself "what in the world do these kids parents' think about this sort of behavior" and no sooner had I thought that, I got my answer. One of their mothers walked over to her daughter and started the conversation normally, yet ending it with "and you better answer your d*m* phone when I text you." Oh! Their parents won't care......they're the ones who TAUGHT them that behavior in the first place! As I was walking past the lemonade stand, between the games and the carousel I caught site of a no more than 10 year old little boy.....SMOKING A CIGARETTE! I was APPALLED. My heart broke almost around every single corner I turned tonight. I felt like a raft floating on a sea of lost, LOST people...sinking in their own demise, so far down that some of them might not have seen me at all!

I don't know much about hell, but tonight, on those fairgrounds, I was certain those people were living in it. Not because they are damned to hell, I am not saying that at all. But to me, hell is the absence of God. Being separated by our loving Father, our Savior, and the Creator of our hearts is hell....the absolute heartbreak of it in itself is hell. And by the way most of the people I saw tonight behaved, it seems they are living in that heartbreak every single day. It hurts my soul to even think about it.

Now, I know that the majority of people who read my blogs are Christians....so this would probably be a useless place to rant about all of the things I want to rant about: like broken children coming from brokenness, the results a parents behavior has on a kids life, teenage girls and the gabillion topics I could go into there....but I will refrain. Because instead, it seems like we should come together as a community of Christians and ask "What can we do to help this situation?"

If we as Christians are told to bring the kingdom of Heaven on earth then the NEA Fair has been a huge flashing neon sign of how we are FAILING at our task. So what do we do? Well, I struck up a conversation with an 8 year old girl while waiting in line for the Cliff Hanger ride who inspired me some to help answer that question for my own life. The Cliff Hanger is a ride where you "hang glide" in the air. 3 people can fit on one hang glider but on ours (mine and the little girl-her name was Kiera) it was just the two of us. All through the line I felt a sense of protectiveness over this young child, who was a complete stranger to me, yet she was all alone, just like I was, in line. So when we went to get on the ride, instead of opting to "fly" with the two people I was there with (who joined me in line later) I chose to ride with Kiera. She had ridden it several times already and was giving me all the ins and outs. Including, when I went to lay down on the glider we were directed to go to....and she said "You should lay on that side" (she was in the middle) "Oh?" I said. "How come?" "Because if you lay on the inside and it's just the two of us then I will go too high.

She confidently told me how to protect her on that ride. And children will go to extreme lengths to all but beg for our protection. Think about it....most of the "rebellious" things kids do is all for a reason, a deeper purpose. Up into adulthood, we have set behaviors that come out of needing something. When a baby cries it needs food or a diaper change. When toddlers throw fits they need a nap or some attention. When teenagers disobey and break rules they are searching for boundaries, needing love through discipline. And the list goes on and on. I felt the need to protect Kiera, as with every single broken, lonely, and LOST child I encountered this weekend at the fair.

And the same goes for adults to. Where some of them I wanted to punch in the face (the ones smoking around small children, cussing at their teenage daughters, or the unpresent ones who owned the smoking cussing CHILDREN), others, I also wanted to protect. To hold. To love on. As Christians, I feel it is just our duty to do that. And where it might be awkward or weird or out of our comfort zone, they are depending on us don't you think?

What things are you doing in your daily life to ensure bringing the kingdom of Heaven on earth? What are things you can do in the relationships around you to love on people who are broken and so lost, living in a desolate hell far away from the heart of God and life that He wants for them? These are definitely things I will be thinking about in my own life.....

In Him,

Meg

The Essence of McDonald's

Don't you just love how GOOD and how FAITHFUL our Heavenly Father is? Sometimes, when I am not even thinking about a particular issue or question, he swoops in to answer it or clarify regardless. That happened to me this morning, while I was doing my devotional. But first, let me back up and tell you about the essence of McDonald's.

Over the course of my life, even before having become a Christian, I have felt subtle stirrings inside of my spirit. These stirrings would often leave me anxious, antsy, waiting, looking. Anxious about the future, antsy about the present, waiting for what's to come, and looking around every corner and under every rock for that "next step." What was I waiting and looking for you ask? I have never really had any idea! (Until today.) I just settled for knowing those feelings would pop up every so often, and faithfully, they have. Throughout almost my entire life.

I have specifically felt those stirrings within me, this year. I tried to describe this feeling to Mark and Anna, the wonderful people I live with, saying "It's like this. You are not even hungry, maybe you are, doesn't really matter, and you think, maybe I will make some veggies or salad when I get home later. Not really that much on your mind or urgent To DO list. But THEN, you drive by McDonald's and you SMELL McDonald's food. It stirs something inside of you that ten minutes ago wasn't even thinking about McDonald's. You drive down the road and you STILL want McDonald's. It's the essence of McDonald's lingering around your nose and taunting your taste buds with the memory of those hot french fries and yummy big mac. Sometimes you give in, turn around, and get you some of that yummyness! But more often than not, you keep driving. And eventually....the essence of McDonald's fades until you no longer even remember that you wanted it."

What a wacky way to try and describe those anxious moments in our lives where we feel in our spirit that there is something MORE out there. Sometimes, like with McDonald's, we can satisfy that urge. Spiritually maybe it is reading more in the word, adding another ministry to volunteer/work for, worshiping in the car, etc etc. But sometimes, it is (for lack of a better phrase) that itch we just can't seem to scratch! So what did God show me today? you might be wondering.... The reason (and a MUCH better way to describe it than the essence of McDonald's) found in Romans 8:20-25ish.

"Everything in creation is more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only AROUND us, it's WITHIN us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within, We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." (The Message)

WOW! Now I get it! The reason we feel those urges and stirrings and anxiousness and antsy feelings is because we, like the rest of creation, are experiencing a type of labor pang. Mother's experience it while waiting the long 9months for a child to arrive. But then once the infant is here, it is pure joy! In life, we as Christians, should I believe, experience those same pangs (I know I do!) in order to be reminded not only that more awaits us, but to get excited at the joy of being reunited with our Heavenly Father!

This devotional and word of scripture could not have come at a better time in my life, literally down to the very morning I opened it, because just last night I was chatting with a young girl who has found herself in a very frustrated state of her life, unsure of where to go and what to do and desperately seeking a sign on which way to go in her life. I was that girl the past year. I experience the "labor pangs" spiritually as well as physically in my everyday life, knowing there was something more or different I was supposed to be doing but wasn't doing it. It was when I tapped into recognizing the voice of God from the voice of the world when all of that started to change for me. I became less obsessed with "figuring it all out" and more in tune with growing deeper and more intimate in Christ. And after a long agonizing year of praying about my calling, begging God to show me something in my life, seeking mentors to tell me why I am here, what I am to do.....I subtly stopped worrying about it, and started enjoying life more. Creating the avenue for myself to do the things God has gifted me in. I started trying to become the best version of myself for all relationships I was a part of. I really sought more to understand who God is so I could then understand His will for me.

And one day, driving down the road listening to talk radio, without a care in the world, I heard "You will be a wife and mother" WHAT? God, is that-and no sooner could I finish my thought in my own head, I was wrapped in a peace like I had never felt before. You see, I stopped obsessing about the things I need not worry about, and started focusing on the things that were important. You know how when you are single (which I am) and all of the married or settled women in your life try and be encouraging by saying "when you stop looking for your husband he will drop in your lap when you least expect it" (Well, I don't know if that is true of husbands because trust me I have done my fair share of waiting for one to drop in my lap!) But I DO think it is true spiritually. Because when I least expected it, yet in God's perfect timing, He assured me of what I was called to do. And sure, there are tons of things I am talented in and passionate about. But I know out of all of those I am to get right the being a wife and mother part :)

Back to the essence of McDonald's. If you as a Christian are experiencing that arousing feeling in your spirit where something more is out there and you are wanting a taste of that, as frustrating sometimes as it can be and as antsy as it makes your spirit, I am convinced that that is a GREAT thing for believers to feel. There is MUCH joy to come at the end of this life when we meet God face to face. And those labor pangs are reminding us that we, like all of creation, are waiting for that moment when God holds us in His arms and the waiting is over and replaced with pure JOY!

In Him,

Meg

Sharing God's Love

I love babies. I love kids. Babies, babies, babies! Kids, kids, kids! Those of you who know me are probably laughing and nodding your head in agreement as you read this. I am the crazy lady in Wal Mart who comes up to you and your infant child, and starts up a conversation....with the infant. I am that girl in line at Starbucks asking your 5 year old daughter about her favorite Disney Princess (and then preceding to tell her all about mine too, of course!) I am definitely that weirdo in church, making silly faces at your baby in the middle of the sermon, blowing on her belly making her laugh during the prayer, and patty caking with her in one hand while drinking communion with the other! I AM THAT GIRL. I claim it and know it's true. (This has a point, soon, just trust me.)

So, the other day I heard that Books A Million was closing. Beyond being the girl that talks to and plays with your kid in random places, I am also the girl who technology has certainly passed. I LOVE a good book. A flip the pages, smell the printed ink, underline words, draw in the margins, dog eared, raggedy old BOOK! I love books. And I LOVE book stores. I want to walk into a book store and see books, not kindles, not nooks, not COMPUTERS that I can't love on and smell and carelessly toss in my purse, and display on a shelf. Hello, my name is Meagan (Hi Meagan) and I am addicted to BOOKS. That rant has nothing to do with this blog except for the fact that I was in Books A Million the other day, very heartbroken that they lost the battle to technology while still taking complete advantage of their going out of business sale!

I was doing some early Christmas and birthday shopping and ended up in a section of Christian books which, coincidentally was located in the same aisle as the New Age material. I found this very odd as I entered into it. To my right was tarot readings, ghost hunting, spirit guides, horoscopes, astral projection, and the list goes on and on. And to my left was devotionals for teenagers, Bibles dedicated to helping kids learn who Jesus really is, picture books for small children telling stories about Jonah and Moses and Adam and Eve, and the list goes on and on. I was looking at the children's books, for no particular reason really except that when I got there I thought "I am not sure why I ended up over here but maybe there is a hidden Christmas present in here for say my little sisters, or cousin, or whoever." And not minutes later, I was joined in the aisle by a mother and her very young daughter.

Except, they were looking on the "OTHER SIDE" of the aisle (said in a dark and creepy way of course as I chuckle out loud at my own humor). I could not see (without having rudely turned around and stared her down) what book the mother had picked up, but I intently listened to their conversation as we mingled in this very small, convenient world. The mother was very nice to her daughter, said kind things to her. And the daughter ADORED her mommy. She said things like "Mommy I just love you so much!" and "Mommy will I be just like you when I grow up?" "Mommy, I want to be JUST like you!" She kept hugging and kissing her mommy and where part of me was so happy to see such a beautiful relationship, the other part of me was sad.

The young girl kept bouncing between the two sides of the aisle, as if bouncing on an invisible line between Heaven and hell, Salvation and waste, Light and dark....(On a side note, do NOT hear me saying that this little girl is going to hell because her mom had her in the new age aisle. Clearly I am whipping out what little writing skills I have to attempt to prove a point very metaphorically.) She kept getting closer and closer to the books I was looking at, the books that would draw any young child near, with bright colors and big pictures, who wouldn't want to pick up a book like that. Every step she took near me I would prepare to say something to her, like I would any other precious child of God that I come into contact with (remember, I am crazy baby lady!) but as quick as I would open my mouth she would dart back to the other side. Then back again and this time closer, and I knew I needed to say SOMETHING, then back again, me with my mouth half open.

I was thinking of all the things I could even say to her, things like "Hi little Princess, do you know who this man is? (point to Jesus) It's God and He loves you SO SO MUCH!" (what? a little much for a first impression?) Well anyway, next time she darted over she grabbed a book beside me and immediately took it back to her mom. "Mommy, mommy I want THIS book!"

"Well honey," she said kindly "that is not our religion. It's not what we believe in."

"But look at the pictures mommy! They're so pretty!"

"They are very pretty baby, now put the book back please."

As she came back over to put the book on the shelf, I silently started praying for her and for me, for strength to talk to this child! Why was it so hard? It's something I do with ease every other single place on the planet that I go but why here and why now was I silent? Why could I not find even a "HELLO" on the tip of my tongue? She grabbed another book and took it to her mom and said, "Mommy this is God!" "No honey, that isn't God" the mother replied.

My heart sunk. I could feel it breaking into. Sure, the picture wasn't God but yes the story is ABOUT God. And strangers! He loves you so much and has not forgotten about you in whatever you might be going through! And little girl, He is the best Daddy a girl could ever ask for! There was so much I wanted to say, so much I needed to say, so much I think God would have wanted me to say....but I froze. Placed in the midst of a spiritual battle and I chickened out. The lines of spiritual warfare were never so clear as they were in that aisle at Books A Million. And as that little girl flirted back and forth between the two worlds, were there angels and demons above us...cheering her on, or pushing her back?

We as Christians are supposed to share God and His love with all that we encounter. And I didn't do it in that store. I smiled sure, and chuckled as the little girl wondered my way, but that wasn't LOVING her like a Christian should. Love in the Christian way often times mean putting yourself outside of your comfort zone to spread the Good News to all you encounter. If I ran across that little girl 20 years from now and her life is in shambles and she doesn't even believe in God, and she really is in some messy situations-I would regret never having told her of God's love when I ran into her the first time in the aisle of a bookstore.

This is our duty. And sure, it is much easier to talk about Jesus with people who already know and love Him, but what about those who NEED to know and love Him. Why is it so hard then? Of course, human arrogance comes into play. "Well, her mom might have punched me in the face or caused a scene in the middle of the store." WELL SO WHAT!! We are supposed to be persecuted for our faith and so WHAT if we get punched in the face or someone causes a 'scene' in public!? If we were in another country we would be worshiping underground and fighting for our lives to even read the Bible and share God's love at ALL! If we were in the Bible we would be in prison or killed for doing the same things! So who cares! Why did I care? Why did I not say something?

If I sound like I am being too hard on myself, I am not. I am being just, I think. And I take this as a lesson learned. I feel for next time I will be better prepared, having a failed battle under my belt I know the war has already been won. So we'll get em next time. But I wanted to share this story because sometimes we walk away from situations like that, never ever thinking twice about them. But I will continue to think about and pray for that little girl and her family, people I may never encounter again my entire life! Sitting here thinking back, I was trying to remember if I even heard the girl's name, and I did. Several times.

Her name, is Angel.

(seriously, that is not dramatic effect. Her name really is Angel!)

In Him,

Meg

Full Moon Brings out the Craziness!

Papa....

I come to you humbly seeking truth. I feel persecuted for my faith and for the decision I have made to not only "follow" You in theory but to genuinely and actively follow You. I make the decision everyday to seek Your face and everyday You show it to me, guiding me and teaching me in new ways constantly. Where some may say I am "immature in faith" I know the Truth, and that Truth is that I have intimately grown closer to You and more in love with You than most "Christians" ever will-and for that I pray. I pray thanks, for revealing Yourself to me when I ask and for rescuing me when I call. And I pray for them, pray that You break their heart dear Lord to what is TRUE and what is of YOU. Guard them from the lies and the drama of the enemy, God-for we know that he will go to all necessary measures to ensure the breaking of a family and the breaking of relationships. I pray for protection over them God as they willingly choose to listen to and believe the lies of the enemy. I pray for strength for us all as we combat the evil one and his deceit. May we all as Christians recognize the difference in following our feelings versus following our faith and see that often times when we think we are following faith it is in turn our emotions, emotions which are unguarded to the devil who uses our fleshly nature to trick us and manipulate us into turning against what we KNOW is right. God this gossip and drama and back stabbing and manipulation is not only ruining our families but ruining our churches and I pray for those groups of people as well. I lift them up to You my God and ask for Peace, for any and all who might be involved in the splitting up of a church or who has ever been a part of the splitting up of a church. I have seen the product of this in an ugly and unholy way God and I beg for protection over those who are victims in any wrong-doing and I beg for the eyes and hearts and minds of those in charge of the wrong-doing to be opened. Let them see that when we attack other Christians we are ultimately attacking You. I heard a statistic tonight that 80 percent of Americans call themselves "Christians" and Lord, for the oh 50 plus percent of those claiming that right as truth I beg that you break their hearts. Break their hearts Papa so they see that being a Christian goes above and beyond owning a Bible or attending church. It should reach far beyond the boarder of our churches and far beyond the boarder of our homes. Being a Christian is constantly seeking Truth and looking for ways to bring the kingdom of Heaven on earth. It isn't getting baptized as a transaction so you won't go to hell-it is knowing that you are saved by the blood of the most precious Lamb and recognizing what that truly means. And God I want that so bad for those who don't know it or don't see it. I want that so badly for those who claim it but aren't living it. This world is hard enough as it is, but to turn around and be crucified by those who are supposed to love you is not fun. Tonight I was called a liar, over something I did not lie about. And it hurt very, very badly. All we have and leave in this world is our name, and when our name is tainted by lies and false accusations....it sucks. God I cry out to You now, like I have all night, and ask you to reveal the TRUTH in not only my situation but in situations like mine that are happening all over the world right now. You have already won this battle, the battle of good and evil, for us, so I ask You tonight as my Prince and as the Rescuer of my soul, please show up for me and fight tonight. Send Your heavenly armies to protect those being manipulated by evil and FIGHT. I love you so much God, and am beyond thankful for Your mercy which is new every single morning I wake up. I am so thankful for Your love, which is unlike any other Love I have EVER known. And I am thankful for your FAITHFULNESS. I know that You hear my prayer and will respond. Please forgive me for where I have failed You, and thank you for revealing to me constantly where I fall short in Your sight. It's hard sometimes to get reprimanded but without discipline there is no learning, and without learning there is nothing but a world full of broken angry sinners repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I love you so much Papa and it's in Your Precious Son's name that I pray

AMEN

Hero

Today is September 11, 2011....exactly ten years after our nation was brutally attacked by terrorists, killing almost 3,000 people. Fathers, wives, daughters, husbands, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, sons, grandfathers, cousins, aunts, uncles, gone....forever. This day has brought reflection for many. Sympathy for those who are still grieving the loss of loved ones. Praise for those who survived. And compassion as the world relives the moment in our history when time stood still.

My reflection today came while listening to a song called "Heaven" which played multiple times on many radio stations. Over the song lyrics is a young girl talking to her daddy, telling him the things she has learned over the past year that he has been gone. Asking him if he can see her in all that she's doing in her life. And telling him how much she misses him. The middle of the song is that girl, but older, telling her daddy that 5 years has passed and what all she has learned. What she is doing in her life. Asking if he can see her in all that she does. And telling him how much she misses him. And the end of the song, is the same girl, this year-10 years later since she lost her father- crying so hard, telling him how much she still misses him. She tells him how she is in high school and thinking about college, asking her dad if he thinks she could be a doctor. She asks if he can see her while she's playing during her soccer games, and then finally she tells him she knows he will be there as she walks down the aisle one day.....

And that's where I lose it. See, I know what it is like to have to think about walking down the aisle alone one day. But more so than dwelling on the sadness in that, God brought to the surface of my mind His faithfulness and presence in that situation. I am FAR from walking down any aisle, but God showed me today that when I do, the church will be FULL of "heroes" in my life, all there to essentially "give me away."

See, I have had MANY heroes in my life. Angels, who have shown up when I had nowhere to live, had no one to turn to, had no one to love me or fight for my safety, and when God just knew I needed someone to make me smile. These heroes and angels in my life have come in all shapes and sizes with the most colorful packaging any angel or hero could ever have. From women who took me in my senior year in high school when I had no where else to go. To my sister who raised me and taught me most of what I know now when our mom left. From minsters at church who insisted on inviting me and welcoming me and loving me and putting me in serving positions until I gave up and declared a church home (and am so happy I did). To the amazing family I live with now who teaches me everyday that no marriage or family is perfect, but that LOVE seriously can get you though just about anything (that and a little hard work). From my sisters, my life long and loved long best friends, who have seen me through every dark day I have ever had...including the loss of one of my heroes, my dad.

I will never forget the day of the Westside Middle School shooting. I will never forget because my sister was at the school, and I was just yards away at the elementary. That moment, like today, time stood still for our community. Agonizing cries went out over our intercom for first aid supplies and help, while we 4th graders wondered what was going on. When we were finally told, I remember going to my desk and drawing a picture of my sister (as best a 10 year old could) and prayed over it, begging God not to take my sister from me. She was all I ever had. It seemed like hours and hours and hours had passed before parents started arriving to pick children up. I don't even remember today being called down to the office, but I vividly remember that in one of the scariest moments of my life as a small child, having no clue what was going on or what was going to happen, I look up in a crowd of concerned and heartbroken parents to see my DADDY. My hero. When my mom left my dad stepped up to the plate and raised my sister and I on his own, and he became a bigger part of my life then, more than he had been up until that point. Over the years him, my sister, and I became best friends, and then on that gloomy Tuesday in March, he became my HERO. Rescuing me, like any good daddy will.

So today, while listening to this young girl read a letter to her daddy who is no longer on this earth, I was reminded to thank God for giving me a hero in my own dad. Even though he is no longer here, he saved me many times. And for that I am forever grateful and so blessed to have once called him mine.

And to the room full of people who will be there on my wedding day, I hope when the preacher asks "Who gives this bride to be wed to this man" I hope you ALL stand up, and claim me as your own. Because I am part yours. You helped raise me into the woman I am today. And without a very large portion of you there is no telling if I would even be here today at all. I don't have a daddy to walk me down the aisle, and that's hard because that will be a very long walk without one heck of a dad like I had. But I have something that comes in close second to a dad. I have more people then I could EVER imagine who have all had a hand in getting me to this point in my life. Who love me more than I will ever know. And who in a second would stand up there beside me and get me down the aisle to the poor sap waiting at the other end :) (And maybe I will just let you ALL, who knows! haha)

To those who have lost loved ones this day ten years ago, or ever really...we are all a part of a very un-fun club to be a part of. But prayers are going out for you every second by someone on this planet, those angels and heroes who are playing a part in your lives and you may not even know their name. But for those whose names you DO know....thank them...while they are still here with you, thank them for all that they have done.

To all of my heroes and angels...you know who you are....THANK YOU.

In Him,

Meg

WAITING.....here for You

In many regards, you might call me impatient. In some regards, you might call me controlling. And sometimes, I appear OCD about things like time, organization, and...time. I am not a perfect person, please hear me say that first and foremost. The reason I am impatient, controlling at times, and almost always OCD about something is because I am an imperfect human being.

However, I feel that people are flawed for many reasons....and sometimes those reasons are not their own fault. I have very severe anxiety over very particular situations. In some situations, it is my own fault-because I let satan and his menions get the better of me, allowing my own self to remain in his stronghold. But in the other situations, there is a factor that is beyond my control.

I am the product of abandonment. It is no longer my identity, for I now know my identity which is given to me by Jesus Christ. However, the feelings associated with having been abandoned my entire life appear much too often. It is a vicious reoccuring theme in my life.

See, when I was younger, less than 8 or 9 to be semi-exact, my mother left our family for another man. A man who did not live in the same state as us. So not only was my family torn apart emotionally but physically as well. I was a kid...a kid who wondered every single night before bedtime when mommy was coming home. And although now, as an adult, I recognize that situations in my "family" home were nothing short of a hellish nightmare, I also can not heal the scars she left behind.

Pre-teen years are the worst aren't they? When you're a kid, you don't notice that you're broken....you just realize that you're sad. But when you start entering your teen years, you notice that you are...different. Not because you wear glasses, or have freckles, or smell bad (although, this definitely makes you FEEL different then all of the other glasses wearing-freckle faced-stinky middle schoolers) but different because you only have one parent. One parent who works all the time to maintain money and status. Being a full-time boss leaves not much room to be a full time parent. So the second stage of abandonment entered into my life...the kid who other kids didn't want to be friends with, because their parents were always giving me rides and having to shuttle me everywhere. What was even worse, then finding out my closest friends resented me for being parentless, was being left behind by THEIR parents too. All too often I waited in my kitchen, looking out the window leading out to my driveway, watching for my friends and their parents to arrive. Most of the time, when they showed up, I silently rejoiced in my head-because of the warm fuzzies I felt in my heart having been remembered and "loved enough" by someone. But the times they forgot me, the times I was left standing in my kitchen, looking out of that same window and crying because I had been forgotten, those times scarred me.

The theme of waiting causing anxiety due to abandonment issues has followed me everywhere I have ever gone. Sure, I pray for peace, and sure I know my identity in Christ as well as knowing that God will NEVER leave me. But there is this thing in our brains, where we can remember images of memories...and there is another one where when we regress back to a time in our past we actually feel those EXACT same emotions all over again as if they were really happening. I don't know how to turn that thing off, but if I ever could....I probably wouldn't cry so much haha.

This anxiety reared its ugly head on one of the darkest days of my life. On Saturday January 17, 2009 I wokeup excited because that day I was rehearsing music with my daddy, in preperation of a show were doing in late February. I waited, and waited, and waited and waited....all day I waited. And the clock seemed to only be getting slower. He lived in another town more than an hour away so I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt....but having been let down by him time upon time upon time I gave up. I figured he blew me off. So I went into town to kill time. It was more than 5 hours that I had waited on him at home so I thought doing something semi-productive would help kill the time. When I arrived home, I was met by my cousin who informed me that my dad had been killed in a car accident at 9am that morning on his way into Jonesboro...to see me.

Tonight, I babysat two wonderful kids for a good friend of mine. I was told they would be home at 10:30, and instead they came home at midnight. During that simple hour and a half wait, I experienced every single solitary emotion I had ever felt being abandoned my whole life. From the time my mom left and I waited everyday for her to come home, to my friends parents' forgetting to come pick me up, to dates who would be a few minutes late and I would be such a wreck I would have to cancel because I would make myself sick from waiting, to the OCD of having to be early everywhere I go, all leading up to waiting on my dad all day while he was dying......every single time I wait, I feel these emotions. And trust me, it is un-fun (I bet you're thinking, "man, she needs therapy!" haha--trust me I KNOW!!) Am I mad at this friend for making me wait? Absolutely not. Did I cry my eyes out all the way home? Absolutely! :)

There is no moral to this story. There is no "lesson" to be learned like some of my past blogs. Why do I write it you ask? I feel like when we learn each other's stories, instead of being strangers who walk amongst each other, we start becoming accountable to our brother's and sister's in Christ. Had my friend's parents, my dates, and even my friend tonight, known to the extent of how severe my "abandoned anxiety" is, I would like to think they would have all made an effort to ensure that I was ok...that I was taken care of....or assured me that, they were ok. Does that make sense? It's like, if I know your story and know you are an ex-alcoholic who struggles with addiction demons everyday I am not going to invite you out to the bar to have a drink. If I know that you were beaten as a child I am not going to show you youtube videos or news clips where children are getting beaten by crazy nannies. ((I hope this is all sinking in because I am running out of examples....the two I had weren'te great as it is!))

I don't know much about how to be HEALED except that God is doing a work in me that is beyond amazing.....and my healing can only come from HIM. I don't know when it will be, if ever completely....but I do know that He promises me this

"When your father and mother abandon you, the Lord will hold you near" (Psalms)
And that is a promise I can hang my hat on.

In Him,
Meg

Persecution....

"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom." (Matthew 5:10, Message)





I never understood this verse, not really. I easily read it, and new what all the words meant, but I could never really fathom "persecution." I thought persecution (at least in America) was something that didn't happen anymore. A year ago when running across this same verse, I prayed for persecution thinking that it would really challenge me to grow in my faith and strengthen my relationship and dependency on God....but did I know what I was really looking for to happen? No. Until today.

Persecution doesn't always come in the form of beatings and abuse. It doesn't always come in the form of getting thrown into prison or having to hide underground and have secret meetings to escape death. Sometimes, persecution comes through criticism. Through judgement. Through abandonement. And through many other things, that people say and do, whether it be family, friends, or complete strangers, when they see you doing things most would consider "radical" in order to help be a factor in bringing the kingdom of Heaven on earth.

I had an encounter today, with a very close friend of mine, who had more than a few choice words about some decisions I have been praying about and contemplating for a while. Decisions that might cause me to be not only uprooted from my church, family, friends, and my job but maybe from the country itself. When you say to people "I want to be a missionary" or "I am called to move to Africa and help orphans" or "God spoke to me and told me do to this fill in the blank thing" people look at like you like you are crazy. They laugh you off as if you are joking. And almost all of them most certainly have some type of opinion about what you have just said.

The thing is, we as Christians do not answer to those people....even if those people are brothers and sisters in Christ. We don't answer to our church or our family or our job. We were created to serve ONE God and are called according to HIS will, not the will that others place upon us. Where friends and family who discourage us from doing the things that they consider "radical" or crazy even probably mean very well, and are not mean-spirited people, they are also not the ones who have to answer for the things in my life that I did or didn't do. I answer for those things. And in the end, when I get to see my Father and Creator and very best Friend, I don't want to waste a ton of time having to come up with excuses as to why I didn't do the things I know He so apparently called me to do. I would rather just run to Him and hug Him and worship Him and ask Him questions and let Him love on me. I don't want the added drama ;)

I imagine that the reason we see deeper into the kingdom when we as Christians are persecuted is because we are then truly walking in the footsteps of Jesus, becoming more like Him, and getting closer to feeling the weight of what we did to Him when others do it to us. I will continue to pray for persecution, just like I will pray for the ones who crucify me and that their hearts be changed. If you're not for the kingdom you are against it, and just like a parent who would do anything in the world for their child I feel that way about doing what God has called me to do. I have that kind of passion and drive to wrecklessly abandon everything in my life to serve Him.

In Him,
Meg

Soul Surfer

Tonight, for the very first time, I watched the movie Soul Surfer--and man was it wonderful. Bethany Hamilton is such a living testament to God's love for us and how that love reveals itself when we align ourselves with His will and walk in complete surrender to His plan for our lives!

The past couple of days I have been pondering what I thought was a big decision. It involved my job and is a move I have been talking about all summer. I have thought about it and stated it in conversation with other people as if it were already a done deal. I went to an interview, where I was offered the job only...something was different. I felt...intimidated, scared, oppressed even. There was thick, heavy, and negative energy in the room and I couldn't get out of there quick enough. Was this typical "interview nerves"? Maybe. But if you know me at all you know that nothing happens in my life that I don't extremely overanalyze, wondering if it is a very vivid sign from God I am supposed to be listening to.

So after I left the interview I called upon several of my prayer warriors, to lift up to God what I should do about the situation. The job would be a HUGE commitment and chunk of my time, and because it is related to my current job I couldn't start and then back out, because then my other job would be affected. I was questionning myself-am I passionate about this enough to commit to it fully? Is this a situation that God wants me to be in? Is sacrificing other things in my life (photography, free time, dance class, other things I love) worth it to do this particular job? I was left very confused and sad that I was so confused, because the last thing I want to do is let anybody down.

The most unsettling times for me in my life are the "in between" moments. The times I have just finished a big show and am looking forward to the next one but in between not acting at all. The times I have been offered an awesome opportunity but it requires a specific time of waiting before it happens. Times between gigs, times between spiritual retreats and ministry opportunities. And most definitely times between missions. Those moments where you know something is on the horizon--no, you have NO idea what that might be, but you KNOW something is there and that God is working in a BIG way on something. Something you can't see, something you don't know, and something you don't want to screw up in the meantime by making wrong decisions. (Yes, I think WAY too much sometimes haha).

I have prayed for patience in every prayer of mine for the past year, because of being in one of those times of waiting. And it always seems that everytime I get a little busy or start working on a project and I stop thinking/worrying about it, is when God shows up the biggest in my life with a very vivid "Next Step" to the ultimate Plan. Does that make sense? No, the puzzle isn't solved and there is no grande resolution I have come to. But with each step forward I become more at peace with knowing I am on the right track and am getting there.

So during this time of waiting the past couple of days, while people were praying like crazy for me, I stumbled upon this movie--Soul Surfer. And God spoke to me through the movie and it is something He made very clear I was to share with you guys. There is a part in the movie, after Bethany has lost her arm and she is in a huge competition with some very tough competitors, that her dad pulls her aside to give her some advice. He tells her that if you fight to race the other girls to every wave it is just going to wear her out and kill her energy. So he tells her "YOU know those moments between sets when it's quiet, and the waves haven't even formed yet, it's just energy surging through the water? That's the time to be PATIENT...LISTEN...and TRUST. You'll know."

Wow! What powerful words that spoke directly to my heart and where I am at in my life right now. During the in between times, the lulls, the transitioning of seasons---there is a very distinct energy I feel. It feels like every molecule in my body moves a little bit quicker in anticipation of the next move of the One who created them. They (the molecules) always feel it before I do. And sometimes it takes me a few days to recognize the feeling and come to the understanding that something is about to happen. When Tim Hamilton told his daughter that about the waves, I could completely relate. But what's even more important than relating to it, is what happens in the second part of his advice. He didn't tell her to feel the energy and go for it. He said that is the time to be patient, to listen ,and to trust. And then you will know.

Many times in our lives we have to wait on God for something or another, for me it is always clarity about a life-decision which comes from anxiety of not knowing the bigger plan. Even during bad times, sometimes we have to sit in it and wait on Him to rescue us. We might feel that energy surging through us, knowing something is about to happen, but it doesn't necessarily mean ACT NOW. More often the not it means, "Wait on Me, My beloved. For I know the plans I have for you and they are plans of good and not of evil. Plans to give you a hope and a future. So rest assured that when you put your hope and faith in me, all will be revealed in My perfect timing." (of course I am paraphrasing here but at various moments in scripture God says ALL of this to us!)

What's even better about God speaking to me through this moment, is what happened while I was watching the movie. I got a call from someone who works with an organization I am very passionate about in Africa which rescues trafficked and enslaved children and offers them a better life. She asked me if I would be interested in going to Africa to tutor some of these kids. I couldn't believe that this was happening after the couple of days I have had pondering what to do in my life. It was horribly perfect timing, horrible because of the gabillion commitments I have this fall, and perfect because I know it was of God--and His perfect timing and will for my life will win above all earthly obligations I have.

So what now, I ask? I am in that moment where I feel I'm sitting on a surfboard in the middle of the ocean, feeling the molecules in the water speed up because of the energy of a huge wave that's on the horizon. A wave I can't even see yet, but that I have to trust I KNOW is there. And I wait. I pray...ALOT! And, I wait for God to send me that burning bush and say "this is it." I feel like when I am suppsed to see the wave, when I am supposed to know the next step in the plan, I will just....KNOW!

If you feel the energy in your life right now, like there is a 'next move' on the horizon you just don't know what it is--then know for one, you are not alone. Not just because I am feeling it too but because God NEVER leaves us sitting on a surfboard in the middle of the ocean. And two, I encourage you to trust God...and wait, for His perfect timing. Easier said than done, trust me I know. But maybe if we are all doing it together we can support one another in another step and another way of bringing the kingdom of Heaven on earth as brothers and sisters in Christ.

In Him,
Meg

Do You Trust Me??

Being a drama teacher as well as a student of communications one thing I teach (and continue learning about everyday) is the power of body language. Body language is a tool that helps us send a message even when we are not verbally speaking. Slanted eyebrows typically means we are mad or angry about something whereas eyebrows raised high usually means we are surprised or shocked about something. Pouting lips means we are sad, folded arms means we are gaurded, fidgets of any kind usually mean we are anxious or nervous about something...even the direction of our eyeballs when speaking can tell our audience (or the recievers of the message) whether we are fabricating our story (aka LYING!). I find it amusing too that not all gestures mean the same thing! Where waving means hello, high five means familiarity with another person, and fist pumping all mean something very specific in the US they may mean completely different things in other parts of the world.

The reason I am bringing this up is because of a movie I was watching tonight (and this blog may be a big ferris wheel of blabber but I promise, you will come back down to the bottom and hopefully have caught on to the point after you've had the chance to see the message from several different vantage points!) The movie I was watching was the huge box office tear jerker "TITANIC". During one of the first initial scenes the character of Rose is attempting to fling herself off of the huge ship. Here she has her first encounter with Jack Dawson. He rescues her so to speak by holding out his hand and asking her to TRUST HIM. She takes his hand and clearly does not fall off the ship (or that would have been one short movie and none of us would ever have known what happened on that big boat!) Anyway, after this scene I said so clearly in my own head that it could have possibly been verbal "I wish I had a guy who loved me this much that I could trust with my life." And do you know what I heard back? "YOU DO"---WHOA! What a slap on my forehead, Homer Simpson DOHH!, kind of moment. DUH! I DO have someone who loves me that much! But what about the second part? The part where I trust Him with my whole life?? (If you haven't caught on by now I am talking about God)

While letting that question sink in, I found myself semi-busy doing other things while the movie was going but EVERYTIME I came back in, it was at a part where Jack Dawson was holding his hand out to Rose asking her "DO YOU TRUST ME?" And everytime, with little or no hesitation she grabbed it and followed him, or grabbed it and held on, or grabbed it and truly just trusted that he knew what was best, and he was going to get them out of whatever situation they were in (be it running from the cops on the ship, or holding on for dear life when the ship sinks. Oh yes--SPOILER ALERT! :))

I dated a man once who in the beginning asked me to trust him this same way. To hold on with everything that I had, and to never let go. And that even if we went down with the ship, or found ourselves amidst a terrible stormy sea that is trying to suck us down under, that it would be "us against the world". What a wonderful offer huh? To not only on our own accord trust someone that much but for someone to love you so much they are willing to BE trusted that much by you because they will fight to the death for that love, is powerful. However, there was something wrong with that mentality. (And in any dynamic with anybody I think there will ALWAYS be something wrong with that type of situation).

When we trust in other people that way, or a singular other person, our need for God to be our Rescuer starts to diminish. And when that need diminishes, we start feeling like we don't need Him at all in any area of our lives. I took a philosophy of love class in college where we talked about the origins of love. (Roughly I am going to try and remember that now.) Basically there were these things walking around called "kegpeople" which were 2 people (or beings rather) attached as one. Their insides and outsides fit together, they wrapped around each other, and this was "LOVE". Well, since the kegpeople had all that they needed within their singular unit, it made the gods mad, because they were no longer being worshipped by the kegpeople. So one of the gods (with the lightning bolts) took a pair of lightning bolt scissors and cut the keg people in half. Then the god of storm or wind or something (clearly it's been a while since I have had this class haha) blew all of the keg people to the four corners of the earth. What happened after that is that these keg people would spend the rest of their lives LOOKING for their other half. Some would search forever and never find the other person and end up alone. Others would link together with another keg person whom they never originally "fit" with and because they were mismatched and wouldn't fit together, all they could do is wrap their arms around the other person, and wilt and die! (Isn't this so sad!?). This is also referred to sometimes as the "soulmate" theory. So back to my point--I feel like when we look at other people as our other half, our missing piece, our soulmate, our "you complete me" jerry maguire boyfriend--we miss out on feeling that way towards GOD.

If anyone in your life is going to be your "Jack Dawson" it needs to be God. He is always there, extending His hand to us, asking us to trust Him, and waiting for us to truly surrender to His plan. And when we do, trust and surrender, He takes us on an AMAZING journey that we never would have been on otherwise. Rose found herself ready to jump off of a boat in freezing degree water in the middle of nowhere rather than go back to her predictably controlled boring safe and dissatisfying life. But when she found Jack Dawson, and made the choice to take his hand every single time he extended it to her, to trust him and follow him, letting him lead and make choices, letting him protect her and love her and therefore in return, showing him her love for him as well, she found herself on a wild, and exciting ride-where only her wildest dreams were coming true!

So often we find ourselves faced with the dilemma of taking God's hand and fully trusting, or taking God's hand and maybe not really trusting at all. Sometimes we even look at God's extended hand and say "Um, God, could you like, hold on a sec? Let me try it MY way and if it doesn't work I'll come right back." Imagine if you were Rose and God was Jack Dawson. Picture that love, that passion, that desire to be with us always and protect us and love us and lead us in our lives. Would you as Rose EVER say no to dreamy eyed, handsome, and romantic Jack Dawson (aka Leo DiCapprio) when he extends his hand to you? So why do we say no when God steps in the picture and extends his hand to us? Remember, God is the CREATOR of the heart-therefore He is the ULTIMATE Romancer of it, because He knows the ends and outs! It would be like trying to play World of Warcraft with it's creator, expecting him not to be any good at it so attempting to play like the top ranked in the world instead, make sense? Hello!? He CREATED the game! (sorry, that was a very random analogy that popped into my head JUST IN CASE I had any male audience on this blog!)

I started the blog talking about body language, and facial expressions, and finally gestures. The single most important gesture in capturing a woman's heart is going to be the extension of the hand which always makes the statement "you taking my hand means you trust me-- trust in where I will lead you, trust me in how I'll love you, trust that I will protect you." Sure, it is a WONDERFUL idea to also trust your husband in this same way. But ladies, God created marriage to be glorified and for it to mirror the relationship He has with us. So don't you think you should trust and surrender to God in this intense way by taking His extended hand before you try and add a man in the picture? With no model, you won't know how to do it. That simple.

So I guess specifically I am talking to ladies again here. We ask for chocolates, we ask for diamonds, we ask for kids, we ask for love, we ask for time, we ask for attention, we ask for .....someone to extend their hand to us, so that we are ABLE then to surrender, being free from all control, to fall into the arms of true LOVE that surrounds us so much that we feel our heart might explode. Well, God is waiting and wanting to do that for us right now. His hand is always extended. What will we choose to do with it?

In Him,

Meg

Eve Wasn't the Only One to Bite an Apple....

I am a musical theater and drama teacher at a non-profit organization called the Foundation of Arts. I absolutely love my job! Love it so much in fact that I started doing private drama lessons for kids who are interested. The way I set up my private lessons is getting kids to display a variety of emotion and explore the behavior patterns of different types of characters.

One of my kids, miss Caroline, decided to pick a Princess song and a Villain song, in order to best learn about the characterization that goes into each part! The first song we learned was from the movie Enchanted, and it was a breeze! The song is fun and light and cheery! And princess characterization came very simple to her. We talked about princess hands, and princess voice, and different types of princess emotion (and showing them on our face in a princess-like way of course!). We learned how to float around the room like a cartoon princess, and dance with our invisible prince! We did exercises in our minds to explore what it feels like to be somewhere fun and exciting and familiar and then be lost and lonely and somewhere you didn't recognize (to truly deepen the understanding of this particular character!) All of which was a success!

Next it was time to move on to the VILLAN song. We learned about villain faces, villain mannerisms, down to villain-like gestures. We worked on an evil laugh and evil walking and evil dancing! Lastly, I had Caroline come up with her villain. What the villain would look like and sound like. It's magic powers and menions. Down to an even deeper level of WHY is this villain so evil, what happened to him/her in their past to make them so angry and evil and all other sorts of villain emotions. When it was time to deliver her villain, I noticed some very interesting things mentioned. Caroline talked alot and used alot of the allotted time to talk about the things SURROUNDING her villain. Crystal ball, evil menions, magic door, evil sounds, magic mirror, evil cloak--things like that! And it hit me, villains are surrounded by evil--but without their magic gadgets and sidekicks and spellbooks and cauldrons and fill in the blank--they would have no power....and in fact, might not even be evil at all.

I have wanted to write a blog about this for the past several weeks, since it happened. But wasn't sure where it was going until now. It has been heavy on my mind tonight and went off like a lightbulb DING! SPIRITUAL WARFARE!

If you have never read Frank Peretti's books This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness, then oh man...you should! He writes these books from the perspectives of his human characters, his demon characters, and his angel characters. The way he portrays spiritual warfare is by naming these demons sinful chains we as humans cannot let go of. For example, one demon might be called Jealousy and the Jealousy demon might link herself around the ankle of some woman. Of course, we as humans don't see them but often times we know they are there, because we enter into contracts with them which is why they are allowed to stay. Does that make sense? Of course there are things we can do to break these contracts, one being prayer and crying out to God to give us strength to release us from bondage-only then do the angel characters get to come in and rid us of all these little demons hanging around! This book reminds me of Caroline's villain lessons!

What if we were to compare and contrast cartoon villains to real life spiritual warfare. It might look something like this. In the Little Mermaid, Ursula had two menions )which enabled her to carry out her dirty work): Flotsom and Jetsom. In real life, those menions might look something like Materialism and Greed. In Tangled, the witch's only true power lie in Rapunzel's glowing hair. Without it, she was nothing. In real life, the magic hair that gives power might look something like Addiction, which leaves those it attaches to feeling very powerful. In Snow White, the witch had to rely on a mirror to gain all of her wisdom and insight. Just like in real life how we might have, Dependency or Approval Seeking demons hanging around us so that we might seek what we think is truth, but is really just other people's opinions about us.

If you recall in Genesis, Eve was decieved by a serpent and ate the apple, and sin entered the world. But she wasn't the only one to eat an apple was she? Literally speaking Snow White also ate of an apple, because she was decieved by a witch who was evil because of the things that she had which made her that way (mirror, cauldron, menions). Figuratively speaking, Ariel "ate an apple" when she believed in Ursula's power and went to the sea witch to become a human. Little Red Ridinghood "ate an apple" so to speak, when she let the wolf persuade her into breaking her mother's rules, rules that very clearly stated not to stop and talk to strangers.

When we break rules or stray off the marked path, we are so much easier decieved by the evil in this world. And sometimes, when we get decieved so many times, we enter into these spiritual contracts with "villain things" in another world we can not see. And after entering into those contracts then WE become the villains, who are manipulated and controlled by evil. Then we start decieving others and throwing out apples at people around us and the horrible cycle never ends! This is what happens in, divorces, abortions, premarital sex, drug addiction, stealing, murder, adultry, and the list goes on and on and on and on. Someone takes an apple, bites an apple, then becomes the apple giver.

So what do we do to stop the cycle? I feel like we pray for God to give us strength so we stop waking up everyday and accepting the apple. We instead wakeup and seek His face. We immerse ourselves in His holy Word so that we learn the character of Him and His holy angels, so we recognize when something is of Him and when it is not. We study those who have gone before us and screwed up, and when we find out what apples they took and ate we commit to making better choices. And finally, we stop giving others our apples too--meaning, we stop pressuring our girlfriend to have sex with us, we stop blaming all of our marital problems on our husbands/wives, we stop using guilt as a motivator in our relationships, we stop selling drugs to people we see floundering in drug addiction, we stop asking our alcoholic friends to go out for drinks on the weekends, we stop and think for a minute before every action we take--"what would I feel like if someone was treating me this way? or doing THIS to me? Or what if I were in their shoes?"

It is so easy to get bogged down in the Jealousy, Hatred, Anger, Lust, Seduction, Complacency, Greedy, (and so many more) demons that satan uses to attack us. But we belong to a Heavenly father who has already won the battler of good and evil for us. So, you just have to wakeup and make the choice. Are you going to be a villain? Are you going to give an apple? Are you going to be a victim and make the choice to take an apple? Or are you going to break free from the cycle, and decide to walk in the light as the true prince or princess that God has created you to be?

In Him,

Meg

Big Giant Jigsaw Puzzle Heart

This is a blog for all my young ladies out there. You are my sisters in Christ whom I love so much and treasure dearly. I hope this reaches you where you are in life at this very moment, and in it you find not judgement, but someone who is giving you a giant HUG!

Young girls today are faced with hardships that are beyond comprehensible for some to understand. There is your typical peer pressure: pressure to try drugs, to drink, to have sex, to do things that are almost sex, to THINK about sex, to cheat, to lie, and the list goes on and on. Then there is the pressure that lies behind every woman (even older, wiser, and mature women) to go to extreme measures to FEEL beautiful. We invest thousands of dollars a year in makeup, and even more then that in brand new clothes, jewelry, shoes, and other accessories. We are constantly comparing ourselves to women around us and letting our viewpoint of them dictate how we feel about ourselves. "Oh she is so thin, I am so fat. Oh but look at her, she has put on some weight, I think I look pretty good." We are constantly trying the latest diet trends and exercise craze in order to shed some lb's. We diet, we get dumped, we eat, we diet. We diet, we have a stressful day at work, we pig out, we diet. We diet, we get into a fight with our significant other, we buy chocolate-we eat said chocolate, we cry because we ate so much chocolate, then we diet again. It is a vicious endless cycle that needs to end.

Young women today have SO much pressure on them from the world that from the outside looking in I wonder, when and where is the time we get to just relax and be ourselves? Well ladies, God is ALWAYS calling us to be ourselves. But the trouble is, we get so lost in the ways of the world, the temptation, the failing diets, the exercise trends, the latest gossip among friends, the newest clothing lines, tanning, materialism, etc, that it consumes our identity, and we forget WHOSE we are.

One of my favorite Psalms is Psalms 139, and it romantically shows us a loving and protecting and all knowing Heavenly Father who knows us inside and out better than anyone on the planet (Ps 139:1-6), whom we cannot ever escape (Ps 139:7-12), and who created us perfectly, wonderfully, and fearfully in His own image and knew all that we would be and do before we even lived one day (Ps 139:13-18). I don't know about you guys but this is GREAT news to me!!! I love this news. Isn't it the female way to be understood and known better than we know ourselves? Isn't it a female desire that we are loved by a Lover whom we can never escape, no matter how crazy we get sometimes? And isn't it the female desperation to know how beautiful we are all the time? Well we have a Father who is all of these things for us. But so often we forget....and when we forget, we start getting holes in our heart that are "God-shaped".

Have you ever played that game as a kid (or more recently with small children) where you have to place the different shaped pegs inside of a box or bucket or something? The triangle peg will never fit into the circle hole. And the square peg will never fit into the diamond hole. That is not how those pegs were created to function. And when stretched to do something they were never intended to do, is when things get BROKEN. All of us--women, men, children even--have wounds and scars. Wounds being things we have not healed from and scars being things maybe we have healed from but situations which left an imprint behind as a reminder of what we had to go through to get it. And we most certainly all have holes in our hearts. Often times, one of those is a God-shaped hole as a wise friend once told me. All the women I have ever known including myself have used every tactic and resource in the book to fill that God-shaped hole. We use chocolate, girlfriends, our careers, obsession with looks, materialism, and certainly most dangerously---MEN!

We jump from relationship to relationship expecting these men to fill this hole that we have. But like the circle peg, we are trying to get them to fulfill a function that they were never created to do. And it isn't just our God holes where we try to place relationships. Have an absent father? Let's shove a boyfriend in there. Have dependency issues? Squeeze a guy in that hole. Have a crazy family? Let's shove several bad relationships in that spot. Yea ladies, it just doesn't work that way. Because here is what happens (and there is lots of bad things that can and will happen when doing this).

1. The men go crazy because of all of the pressure we put on them to serve in functions they were never supposed to serve in. 2. We continually get our hearts broken because we put all expectations into people who are just that, people. Imperfect humans whom no matter the good intentions, just fail sometimes because we all do. 3. We end up missing HUGE chunks of our hearts because we so freely and carelessly give it away to those who mistreat it in hopes that we will find what we are looking for. 4. We stray farther and farther away from God while believing this lie that satan has tricked us into believing until one day we wake up and realize we not only don't see God at all anymore but we look in the mirror and don't even recognize ourselves.

You may be wondering why this blog is called Big Giant Jigsaw Puzzle Heart. I spoke at a young girls retreat a few months ago. The theme of the weekend was being God's Princess-your identity in Christ. I feel like so much of knowing who you are in Christ, is recognizing where you once were. So for one of the sessions I spoke, I gave my testimony. I am an artsy and craftsy kind of gal so I used a visual aid for the talk. I used a piece of large colorful cardboard. On one side of the board was my life before Christ. I used a felt heart cut into jigsaw pieces to show this side. I started from the top of the heart, taking away one piece at a time as I talked about that piece and what it represented. It ranged from things like divorced parents, abandonment issues, alcoholic stepmother, etc. When I got to the bottom the very last piece of my heart said SAVED. And when I got there, I told my salvation story. And when I flipped the cardboard over, I slowly started putting back together a new heart! With pieces that this time said things like ministry, church family, healing, and ended with the last piece which said "to be continued"--because every single day God is working on new ways to heal my once shattered, tattered, and broken heart. And what I am realizing as He is doing that, is that although MANY circumstances happened beyond my control, it led to me making poor choices. Choices that were very much IN my control, and decisions were inevitably what was breaking my own heart into pieces.

I see and work with so many girls who are following that same destructive pattern. Using relationships with boys to fill a God-shaped hole. When you do that girls, you are walking down a slippery slippery slope that not only is creating an environment of temptation and impurity but also breaking your own heart when your expectations are not met. I know you are young, and you think you are in love (and maybe you are, who knows) but I STRONGLY urge you girls to use your youth to build relationships with other girls! We we are PURE-we are seeing more of God's beauty and grace and power! Mt 5:8 says "Blessed are the PURE in HEART for they shall SEE GOD!" WOW! I don't know about you guys but I certainly want to see me some Jesus can I get an amen!?

And please hear me if you have heard nothing else, this is not a blog to lay guilt or pass judgement, but to wrap you up in my cyber-arms and tell you how much you are so very very loved. That you are a precious little princess whom God wants to dance with all day long. He is just begging you for your attention! Won't you shut out the drama and temptation and boys of the world long enough to let Him have all of you for a little while? One song with Him might change the way you sing forever! I encourage you to pray about purity and what that looks like in your life right now...and to seek out other Christian women (older preferrably) to help mentor and guide you as you grow up in such a hard hard time. We are not saying that it is easy, but I am PROMISING that it is WORTH it!

In Him,

Meg

Welcome to Crazy-town!

So I try to blog as often as possible, but try only to blog when I know that God has really put a vision in my mind of what I need to speak about. Lately, that has been many things. I have been waiting for the ideas to "hatch" so to speak, into something more solid and beautiful, but as time slips away I am forgetting some of the things I have been mentally making a note of to blog. So, here are all of the recent inner workings of my chaotic brain, in which I am referring to tonight as "Crazy-town'.

The first thing I felt nudged by the Holy Spirit to talk about is Christmas (odd, I know). You know how during Christmas there are a few moments where the entire world feels....magical? The stars twinkle brighter, the crisp air refreshes your spirit, you feel giddy inside, you witness so many people helping those less fortunate, you love harder and laugh louder, in the silence you hear music-like wind chimes! and everything just seems....ENCHANTED!!! Well I felt it, the other day in my car, I felt....CHRISTMAS! I felt it inside of me and outside of me too despite the 106 degree heat index. And I was giddy and twinkly and all of those other wonderful Christmas emotions-and in that moment, I remembered how much I love Jesus so much and what He has done for me in my life! Had he physically been near me I would have given Him the world's biggest hug and just cuddled with him for the rest of the day! Something about that feeling enticed me to draw near to Him! And it was a wonderful feeling! Of course my brain thought, why can't everyday be Christmas?? We ask that as children, because of course we want toys everyday! But what about as adults? Are we doing the things in our life and in our relationship with God that make us feel Christmas? Or is our relationship with Him and the business of life causing us to forget that twinkling, silent, magical need to draw near to God and love on and be loved on by our beautiful Savior? For the rest of the day I listened to Christmas music, and prayed more it seemed like, even read more in my Bible then normal before bed that night. It's a feeling I want to happen everyday-and I think it CAN be Christmas everyday, if we are doing the things that keep us CLOSE to Him. Because remember, He doesn't leave. We are the ones who stray. And when we stray....it must be awfully hard to get back to Christmas.

Another thing on my mind came to me watching the movie Hancock today while dozing off into a deep and wonderfully needed NAP! If you have never seen the movie Hancock, it is about this Superhero (Will Smith) who is basically just a delinquent. Yea, he will save you from a burning building, but in the process he will destroy all of the things around the building and cause an even bigger mess--all out of lazyness, loneliness, and his persona of just not giving a darn what people think about him. He ends up saving this one guy, Jason Bateman, who decides to do some PR work for Hancock so the city will see how much they need him and that he really can change from his self-destructive ways. He convinces Hancock to turn himself in (be it that he had hundreds of missed court dates for theft and destruction of property and all kinds of charges against him) and he ends up in jail. During a visit to jail, while Hancock is on the brink of destroying the place and trying to leave, Bateman's character convinces him that all of these behavioral problems of his, and the fascade of not caring is really his way of masking deeper emotions going on beneath the surface. And in the midst of a superhero who was seconds away from punching him in the face he says this "You are called to do this! You are so angry all the time because you are constantly fighting what you were created to do in this life! You are meant to be a superhero!"

It reminds me, how so often we compare ourselves to other people. "Oh she is a much better singer than I am", "How can I ever be that patient of a parent?","She is a super-Christian, when will God use me in that way?", "Why hasn't God asked me to travel the world for Him?" "They have a double-doctor family-I wish I had that kind of money.", "Her husband is so wonderful, why can't I find someone for me?" and the list goes on and on and on and on and on. I know that there are things I was called to do. One is being a wife and mother. I know that one for a fact. I am not sure of other things I am "called" to do persay. I know that there are things I am gifted in and things I am annointed in that I try and live out everyday. But sometimes it is still hard. I see people who have been Christians forever, who travel all over the world to do these outrageous missions for God, and I get sad and jealous-wondering why I am not there. Well, a hard hitting fact guys is that we are all called to do different things, be different places, have different talents, etc etc etc. And that is because, we are one BODY of Christ, and if we were all the same-with the same talents and lacking in the same areas, then there would never be in growth among us. I know for a FACT that I was NEVER meant to do ANYTHING in my life that regards fixing, working on, programming, etc COMPUTERS....I am technology-dumb. I can' work a smart phone, I can barely work a calculator, and I am HORRIBLE on computurs past the point of facebook, blogging, and Word Document. However, I live with a computer programmer (which definitely comes in handy) and it works out because he helps me learn and grow technology wise, and if we were both like theatrically gifted then neither one of us would know how to do anything at home on a computer and probably our jobs and relationships and many other things that revolve around technology these days would suffer. Make sense? I have always considered myself a very well-rounded individual who is passionate about many different things and talented in many different areas as well....but do I think all of those things are my "calling"? No, I don't. And more and more I am becoming ok with that, because when I am taking steps on the path that has already been layed out for me and is in direct alignment with God's will then I see the amazing affects it not only has on me, but those around me as well!

**I told you this blog was random. Christmas, then Hancock. Now what? Oh let's talk about Matt Chandler briefly. I have a few of his sermons, one which is about the roles of husbands and wives. I have listened to it several several times, and will require whoever I date next (if there EVER is another guy I date haha) to listen to it too. Because he lays out SO clearly the roles of husbands and wives and SO bluntly (and sometimes aggressively) addresses the problems that arise today in marriage and what causes it. This guy is ANNOINTED I tell you and hearing him speak everyday driving home from work in my car has been a BLESSING on my life!

I know there was so much more but I can't think of it now. If and when more things come to me, I will certainly add a part two to CrazyTown. Have a blessed day,

In Him,

Meg

Another Night of Taylor Swift songs....

I recently counseled at a youth camp on the campus of Lipscomb University. The stay was about 2 weeks and the time I had there was WONDERFUL. I went with every intention on ministering to and loving on some kiddos, and while doing that, my world was ultimately changed. It isn't very often that I see a new season of my life coming or that I am aware when the seasons shift as theyre shifting. But my stay in Nashville proved a new experience for me in that way. I met some amazing Christian girls there, my roommates, who are SO utterly filled with the Holy Spirit and in tune with its' guiding that it opened up a whole new world for me to see. It was the re-charge my Spirit needed!

Coming home from camp, I knew I would be attacked spiritually. That typically is one of satan's cards he likes to play. 'Someone on a mountain? Looks like its ole attacking time!' I was correct in that satan did try to attack. Sunday evening laying in bed I was overcome with the feeling of being emotionally overtaken. Like if you are covered in honey and you see a HUMONGOID herd of BEARS coming at you, that's what it felt like to me-except it wasn't bears, it was negative emotions. I felt anger, anxiety, fear, heartbreak, depression, sadness, loneliness, and tons more. In the midst of this I was having this weird and out of nowhere confrontation with a good friend of mine whom I care for very much. All of it combined made me so physically ill I knew before the puking came that I was being just beaten spiritually. So I immediately texted some prayer warriors and within 20 minutes I was at peace again.

I notice that with me, I am most vulnerable to spiritual attack when I am in a weakened state physically, mentally, or emotionally. After having counseled all week I was definitely weak physically and after the confrontation with a person I had given a small part of my heart too, I was also very weak emotionally. Now, I know it is impossible to avoid ever being vulnerable, but it is very important to always try and gaurd your heart. When our heart breaks, even just the teeniest tiniest bit, satan uses that open door as a plan of attack in order to tell us that we aren't worth it, that we aren't loved, that everyone who loves us will leave us, things like that. It is no fun feeling that way, especially when other Christians people who are supposed to be gaurding and protecting your heart are some of the people who put you in those weak and vulnerable positions.

What I continually learn from situations like these are that God is the One true Romancer of my heart and Keeper of my love. He will NEVER leave me, never forsake me. He will ALWAYS love me and always DESIRE that I be His. People are imperfect, and they will always let us down....and that is ok. Because out of the broken messes we are, God creates the most BEAUTIFUL things! So sure, where I've had a few days of listening to Taylor Swift songs and crying while I sing them at the top of my lungs in my car, I am also reaping the benefits of the Almighty God having a HUGE plan and HUGE calling on my life, that maybe some people just don't fit in to.

I was told by a precious girl at camp who came to me crying saying "Meagan, if you only knew. God has HUGE things planned for you. Walk confidently in the Spirit girl!" and those words changed my life. So, on nights where satan is trying to whisper into my ear that I am unlovable. I declare that I am LOVED by the Creator of the Heavens. And when Satan tries to tell me that I will always be along. I will listen to the Spirit who says " I am ALWAYS here". And when Satan starts screaming at me that my heart is broken, I will walk confidently in knowing that God uses is BEST in our brokenness. He must become more and more, and I less and less.